THE BALLAD OF BILLY DUMPS

The world is falling apart and we're all going to die any day now so I recently obtained a copy of NHL 17. It's the first NHL game I've owned in a long time and man it's great.
I've been spending a lot of time in the BE A PRO mode which lets you create a player and play exclusively as that player throughout his career.
I created a player named BILLY DUMPS.
He's a 6'9" black dude with a blonde mullet.
Anyway he's playing left wing for the San Jose Sharks and my man Dumps is tearing up the league.
When you're naming your player you can also select from a list of names the announcers will use to refer to him (or her!) while doing play-by-play commentary. There are a bunch of nicknames on the list so I picked BLADES because that's cool as shit.
Also his number is 69 (obv).
BILLY DUMPS ACTION SHOTS





In Billy's first 15 games he worked his way up from the 4th line to the first. He's currently leading the league in goals and points but my fucking coach still gives me shit about defense after every shift wtf
Anyway here's a video of BLADES scoring his 50th goal only 30 games into his career:

Anyway stay tuned to this thread and we'll follow our boy Billy as he blazes a trail through the NHL.
Jesus when you sent me a screenshot I thought it was from an actual tv broadcast are all video game graphics this good now?
6 goals in 1 game? is that a DUMPS personal best?
also, may i recommend buying yourself a DUMPS jersey?
video games are for nerds!
see the joke is that's what i do for a living
don't @ me
hi MAYES
@MAYES gime GTA6 spoilers
Dumps is leading the league in goals, literally doubling the guy in second place.

and daaaaaamn look at those hits

also being shown as "LOW POTENTIAL" is pretty insulting, wtf
@anthony yes i think 6 goals in a game is my best so far. and yes you may recommend that i spend $250 on a custom DUMPS #69 San Jose Sharks jersey, i will take it under advisement.
Huge dumps fan u think I cud meet him?
i am dumps AMA lol
Billy, Palubat, OMGTRU.com. Are you real lol
hey BLADES huge fan, is that your natural hair color and does the carpet match the d
Aye man u got 50K I cud hold
billy give jarf your money
^
Jarrf I got u when this free agency hit
nam talk
Yo, BD u met Dedrick? He got that fly gear u need bro
Oh man the felony simulator in this game is super real

really missing dedrick tbh
dedrick where you at my man
yo hey guys sorry been really busy with some fashion type stuff not really at liberty to discuss right now but Im loving billys look, you interested in a collaboration ???
I see you assaulted your wife on a jet ski so I assume that means you have some swimwear needs feel free to talk to anthony about his personal experience with my custom swimwear designs
even though i ultimately decided not to move forward with production, i was very happy with my design.
tried out a beard on billy and dude looks like a terrifying caveman:




notice he actually speared his hockey stick through that goalie's head
seems plausible honestly
He looks like either a werewolf or one of the dwarves from The Hobbit - both good looks
Apparently jarf is playing against him in the second to last screencap
billy's new look:

so i don't know if it's just my settings but there's no penalty for running into the goalie so i generally try to slam into him whenever possible. i've got some good clips of that coming up but here's one time where billy went through the goal and got his legs pinned between the goal and the ice:

already crushed gretzky's single season goals record:


quality time in the penalty box


Lol okay maybe I will buy this for the penalty box
i'm just gonna watch that video where he gets stuck in the net over and over again if that's cool
that's definitely cool my man
well folks over the weekend we reached the end of the regular season, and BILLY DUMPS led the league in both goals and hits:


the record for most goals in a season is 92, set by wayne gretzky 35 years ago

our boy BLADES beat that by 50 goals and it's kinda weird that everyone isn't flipping their shit constantly
like if a rookie hit 100 home runs it would be fucking insane and it's all anyone would talk about
but this game still thinks dumps is LOW POTENTIAL and will be fighting for time in the minors wtf
all i'm saying is let's just give our boy the respect he deserves
also at one point in the last game he jumped 10 feet in the air for no discernible reason but it was sick:


anyway the sharks had by far the best record in the league at 65-14-3

(the 3 represents overtime losses, i guess the nhl doesn't do ties anymore but there is a pretty cool 3-on-3 sudden death overtime followed by a lame shootout)

the playoffs being TODAY. b dumps and the sharks will be taking on the winnipeg jets who are terrible (they actually finished with a losing record) BUT ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE PLAYOFFS

OH YEAH
oh btw lest you think billy's a puckhog, he also finished the season with 40 assists so let me disabuse you of that notion.

that gives him a total of 182 points total, 2nd place is 114 points and all the leaders in points are on the sharks because billy is inflating their numbers
i would never think that
siri google joeys parents
ok just played game 1, WOW what a start to the playoffs.

11-1 SAN JOSE
DUMPS: 2 GOALS, 1 ASSIST

looks like we'll make quick work of the jets. the winner of this series faces the winner of anaheim/calgary
joke's on you paul i murdered my parents and propped them up in front of the tv so they can watch me play NHL 17
sharks cruise to victory in game 2

6-4 SAN JOSE
DUMPS: 1 ASSIST

this is probably the first game in forever where billy didn't score a goal.
one problem i have with NHL 17 (and i remember this from whatever the last version of this game i had was), sometimes it just decides "oh yeah this is going to be a hard game for you" and everything is significantly more difficult.

i read on some message board that the difficulty just gets randomly cranked up in the playoffs and it feels like that's what's going on here. fuck that man i want to score goals and wreck fools.
i guess this is a best of 5 series?
GAME 3

9-0 SAN JOSE
DUMPS: 3 GOALS, 1 ASSIST, 1 FIGHT (WON)
i guess this is NOT a best of 5 series?
one weird detail in this game: idk if this is part of some "unwritten rules" of hockey, but the other team gets REALLY pissed off if you shoot the puck after the whistle has been blown. it's normally difficult to even get into a scenario where you can do this, but this has happened to me a couple of times:

i'm bringing the puck up the side and very often i like to cut towards the goal right after crossing the blue line to catch the goalie out of position and take a slapshot. every once in a while one of my dumbass teammates will jump offside, but i'm already in the middle of my shot. it goes in or hits the goalie but then a guy on the other team is immediately sprinting towards me to fight. idk man i just beat the shit out of him and take my 5 minutes in the box.
low potential

kid's got no future
GAME 4

3-0 SAN JOSE
DUMPS: 2 GOALS, 1 ASSIST

well we swept the lowly jets and we did it with a shutout in winnipeg. we're moving to round 2!
getting outscored 29-5 in a 4 game series is not a good look, winnipeg
the sharks are heading to round 2 where they'll be taking on the ANAHEIM DUCKS who will obviously be wearing their 93-94 throwback unis exclusively
GAME 1

4-0 SAN JOSE
DUMPS: 2 GOALS, 1 ASSIST, 6 HITS
6 hits in a game is really good guys
and i had some choice ones in this match
btw after this season i think BLADES will be a free agent, @jules would you consider representing him, i think you are the only one here who knows anything about hockey
GAME 2
5-4 ANAHEIM
DUMPS: 1 GOAL

ok now this game was some real bullshit, fuck this
ok well i started game 3 and got injured after a fight so i force quit the game because fuck that shit. apparently i hadn't saved after game 2 so i get another chance at that one. hopefully this does not taint our playoff run
man let's hope not
GAME 2 REDUX
5-3 SAN JOSE
DUMPS: 2 GOALS, 4 HITS
this one was a close and frustrating game until the very end. i had the first two goals but it seemed like every time blades had to rest that we were giving up goals. feeling good about this finish though.
GAME 3
8-1 SAN JOSE
DUMPS: 6 GOALS, 1 ASSIST, 5 HITS

i mean god damn look at that stat line
GAME 4
4-0 SAN JOSE
DUMPS: 3 GOALS

another sweep (albeit with an asterisk) and another hat trick for ya boy BLADES, fuck you ducks!
now the sharks will be facing the MINNESOTA WILD in the western conference finals.

unfortunately the wild have the worst unis in the league, ugh so bad
Gotta get D on that shit and make the Wild wild again
Back in the n64 Gretzky hockey days the computer would just randomly decide you had to lose. You'd be up like 8-0 and lose 11-10 and there was literally nothing you could do about it. Weirdest thing ever. Still the only hockey game I ever cared about bc you could zoom in on the weird 64-bit faces on pause.
If I had that game now I'd show you guys. I don't tho.
Dumps in tha trunk udigg
@dedrick could you please do something about this jfc

i'd recommend turning off offsides, so you can just do whatever you want.
dedrick, i'd recommend not changing a thing on those HOT TO DEATH unis!
Anthony I'm kind of a stickler about maintaining the integrity of the game
GAME 1
4-2 SAN JOSE
DUMPS: 1 GOAL, 3 HITS

this one was a real nail biter until a 3rd period goal from BLADES sealed the deal
GAME 2
4-1 SAN JOSE
DUMPS: 1 GOAL

this one was tied 1-1 until the end of the third. BLADES scored the game winning goal and then the sharks knocked in a couple more.

billy got in 2 fights and really got his ass kicked both times. doesn't matter, FUCK MINNESOTA
GAME 3
4-2 SAN JOSE
DUMPS: 2 GOALS, 1 ASSIST, 1 HIT

this was another very tight game until 2 clutch dumps goals in the 3rd period. the defenders are really clogging up the ice and giving our boy BLADES a lot of trouble. fuck that tho, sharks up 3-0.
GAME 4
2-1 MINNESOTA
DUMPS: 2 HITS

this game was fucking bullshit and i'm pissed off about it. why the fuck can't any center on the sharks win a fucking faceoff? why the fuck do they always give up goals the second i'm off the ice? why the fuck did the minnesota wild goalie turn into a brick wall? fuck this shit.
GAME 5
3-2 SAN JOSE, OT WIN
DUMPS: 1 GOAL, 3 HITS

god damn this game was full of bullshit, including a defenseman and my goalie straight up fucking us over with an insane own goal. doesn't matter though we're going to the stanley cup finals BABY
so it looks like BILLY DUMPS and the SAN JOSE SHARKS will be facing the WASHINGTON CAPITALS in the STANLEY CUP FINALS!

this is a big deal g
randpa, now i'll be the hockey champion and not y
zerman
STANLEY CUP FINALS, GAME 1
8-1 SAN JOSE
DUMPS: 1 GOAL, 2 ASSISTS, 2 HITS
man what a beatdown, the sharks have come out swinging and they're now up 1-0.
i'll be rooting for BLADES DUMPS in the stanley cup finals conclusion tomorrow, but it'll prbly all be over by the time i wake up.
no anthony we're just one game in, let's savor this m
arinara sauce that i made for b
rian's d
enton, tx college buddies
STANLEY CUP FINALS, GAME 2
4-2 SAN JOSE
DUMPS: 3 GOALS

billy rang up a hat trick and made it look effortless. a couple of power play goals in there and one slap shot from WAY out. the hometown crowd was loving up but now the sharks have to pack up and head to DC. does glory await?
billy is currently leading the league with 29 playoff goals in 15 games played. alexander ovechkin of the capitals is #2 with 14 goals in 21 games

FUCK THE CAPITALS
STANLEY CUP FINALS, GAME 3
7-1 SAN JOSE
DUMPS: 2 GOALS, 1 ASSIST, 1 FIGHT (WON)

well it's getting pretty embarrassing for the WASHINGTON CAPITALS. we're on the verge of a sweep here GO SHARKS
STANLEY CUP FINALS, GAME 4
4-1 SAN JOSE
DUMPS: 2 GOALS

tonight BILLY DUMPS and the SAN JOSE SHARKS hoist the STANLEY CUP high!

what a season, BLADES!
2016-2017 REGULAR SEASON STATS
142 GOALS
40 ASSISTS
224 HITS

2016-2017 PLAYOFF STATS
33 GOALS
10 ASSISTS
36 HITS
2016-2017 AWARDS
ART ROSS TROPHY (NHL scoring title)
HART MEMORIAL TROPHY (NHL MVP)
CALDER MEMORIAL TROPHY (NHL rookie of the year)
CONN SMYTHE TROPHY (playoff MVP)
TED LINDSAY AWARD (NHLPA MVP)
MAURICE RICHARD TROPHY (most goals in NHL)
ok guys BILLY is at a crucial juncture in his career and we have offers from 4 teams:

SAN JOSE SHARKS (65-14-3)
3 YEAR DEAL
$3.895M

MONTREAL CANADIENS (44-26-12)
3 YEAR DEAL
$3.93M

COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS (42-30-10)
3 YEAR DEAL
$3.82M

ST. LOUIS BLUES (40-32-10)
3 YEAR DEAL
$3.45M
i will sign with whoever my agent JULES recommends, except i won't sign with columbus because their uniforms are fucking terrible.
I'd never recommend anything out of ohio anyway



Billy's goin to Montreal
hell yeah let's get that money FUCK YOU SHARKS
working on a BILLY DUMPS ROOKIE SEASON HIGHLIGHT REEL and i'm not going to let my wife's relentless mocking stop me
well guys the time is NOW

lot of good, clean hits in that video. not sure why all the bullshit calls.
yeah, hey refs, let 'em play!
Is the ballad of Billy Dumps over? Is this the end of Blades? Did he sign a movie deal?
I'd watch Billy Dumps: Mall Cop fwiw
Jarf, I can't speak for the rest of the gang but I feel like the ballad of BILLY DUNLOPS is just beginning bro
Sorry I meant BILLY D
there are a few deals in the works but right now billy is focusing on hockey and his role on the 5-0-0 MONTREAL CANADIENS
also billy just got ejected from a game after a boarding penalty and a fight, didn't know that was possible
ok well billy got ejected again AND was out 7 games with a fractured jaw. somehow still leading the league in goals and penalty minutes
real talk: do we think DUMPS is a first ballot hall of famer?
I don't have a ballot anymore after I attacked Don Cherry with wire cutters.
Yeah Don Cheadle can fuck off
HUGE eagle eye cherry fan here
man billy is kicking ass with the canadiens but a lot of players on the team have some really annoying habits, namely NOT GIVING BILLY THE PUCK 100% OF THE TIME

we were on a 22 game winning streak and then billy got injured in a fight and had to sit out a game and they immediately lost ugh
lol billy had to sit out 2 games and they went from 40-6 to 40-8, come on guys
just got ejected from a game where billy had 3 goals and 2 assists dealwithit.gif

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