Jarf's Left Nut

Hi Everyone
Take your seats please
On Saturday, I woke up with a violent, throbbing, localized pain in my left groin.
Totally incapacitated, I texted my roommates to leave some ibuprofen outside my door.
I got as upwardly mobile as I could and searched everywhere I could muster but there was nothing but cough syrup.
Then I started freezing. Like I couldn't stop shaking and I was sweating and the pain was getting worse.
Finally, a roommate woke up and I explained the sitch and she gave me medicine.
I gotta tell ya, this was the worst pain since surgery a few years back. I was ready to maybe call an ambulance and just give all my money away for a ride to the nearest hospital.
Thankfully, ibuprofen made things better. By the time I knew what was happening, the sun was way up signaling that it was Sunday. The whole thing lasted like 3-4 hours and at NO time did I really understand what a clock would tell me.
I fell asleep and woke up around 2 PM.
The pain had subsided and my fever had subsided, so I listened to some rap music and laid around until my bar shift.
I also watched some Frasier.
At work, everything was progressing fine until I banged my left nut on a refrigerator door around 2 AM. And hooooooooo boy, it was a tough run after that. I was in some pain, but mustered up the strength to close the bar (poorly) and get home.
When I woke up, I worked a bit from bed in serious pain.
Then I called my boss and told him something was wrong and I needed to get to the doc.
This begins the series of humans manhandling my poor, poor left nut.
I mean do continue
In case you were wondering, there was swelling and a ton of tenderness (my apologies to Otis Redding). The pain resided in the nut but also extended to the left side of my groin.
HI PAUL
That Frasier is a kook. A real dope sometimes!
Well baby I hear the blues a-callin

Tossed salad and scr
otum
Anywho, I go to an emergency care facility where a kindly young man asked me some questions:

1) What seems to be the problem?
2) Have I experienced a fever?
3) Nausea?
4) Vomiting?
5) Penile Discharge?
6) Bloody urine?
7) Had any unprotected sex with a new partner in the past 2 months?
8) Any cancer of the renal or reproductive areas in the family?
Fun questions, which I answered to the best of my ability.
Then a doctor came in and asked:

1) What seems to be the problem?
2) Have I experienced a fever?
3) Nausea?
4) Vomiting?
5) Penile Discharge?
6) Bloody urine?
7) Had any unprotected sex with a new partner in the past 2 months?
8) Any cancer of the renal or reproductive areas in the family?
And he mangled my reproductive area for a little while before telling me I needed to go to the emergency room immediately.
:(
So I did. I called my family in case I needed them to be on guard for anything and I went to Manhattan for a nice long day at a hospital.
I was scared, obviously. I've grown attached to ole lefty and was hoping to keep the little buddy around for awhile.
Kinda like Frasier wanted to keep his brother Niles around all the time. Those two cut-ups get into a lot of mischief!
Gotta say, Beth Israel is a well-oiled machine. I waited around 30 minutes before getting in to see an initial human to define my problem.
Remember, I'm operating on abooooooout 3 hrs sleep for 48 hours, so time is key.
I get into the back area and a woman takes my vitals. She asks me some questions:

1) What seems to be the problem?
2) Have I experienced a fever?
3) Nausea?
4) Vomiting?
5) Penile Discharge?
6) Bloody urine?
7) Had any unprotected sex with a new partner in the past 2 months?
8) Any cancer of the renal or reproductive areas in the family?
Then I get carted back to be admitted and get a "room." Which is a curtain separating me from some dude who had blood clots but couldn't stop making jokes in Spanish to his companion.
A nurse came by and asked me some questions:

1) What seems to be the problem?
2) Have I experienced a fever?
3) Nausea?
4) Vomiting?
5) Penile Discharge?
6) Bloody urine?
7) Had any unprotected sex with a new partner in the past 2 months?
8) Any cancer of the renal or reproductive areas in the family?
He manhandled my groin (which was feeling pretty shitty at this point) and told me a doctor was on the way!
What the blood clot

Get it
Fast forward like 35 minutes and this tall, bleach blonde, awkward gentleman came over and closed the curtain. He asked me a few questions to start off:

1) What seems to be the problem?
2) Have I experienced a fever?
3) Nausea?
4) Vomiting?
5) Penile Discharge?
6) Bloody urine?
7) Had any unprotected sex with a new partner in the past 2 months?
8) Any cancer of the renal or reproductive areas in the family?
How could the nurse be a he what kind of hospital is th
Then he manhandled my groin and said he'd be back.
I was pretty tired, thirsty and feeling terrible about my poor groin at this point, so when the doc came back I was ready for some good news.
He asked me for good measure about my drug, sex and alcohol habits and I causally joked that the horse was stabled these days since I did nothing but work. I did disclose that I liked the ganj and alcohol on occasion.
Then he said, "well, I think this is an infection. We'll get you some antibiotics. These things happen, and sometimes they are STDs so you should call partners if you feel like you should."
I laughed and told him that would be a short, sad list.
He did not laugh.
He asked for a urine sample and then said someone would be along shortly to discharge me.
I was pumped because the emergency care joint said I needed an ultrasound and those can take forever.
After a good 20-25 minutes of sitting with my urine sample, a gentleman came by with a wheelchair and said, "alright let's get you to your ultrasound."
This surprised me, not unlike when Frasier was surprised when Niles first admitted he had a thing for Daphne. Boy, those guys took FOREVER to figure out their love!
So they called over my doc and he was like "didn't the orderly tell you anything? Did she take the urine sample?"
The urine sample that was sitting next to me the whole? Nah, dude.
Anyway, the doc explained (paraphrase coming) that the urologist said, "If you're right, he'll be fine and if you're wrong, he'll lose a nut. Lets do the ultrasound."
So, I was off to an ultrasound. I took the Sabbath elevator. The man wheeling me up there did not get how cool that was. I sang "War Pigs" to him until he left me outside a dark room.
A nurse came and spoke to me and put me on a table. She said, "Take this sheet and cover your penis up to your chest. Then set your scrotum on this sheet. Just your scrotum. That's all I need." She was a young, semi-attractive human, so I made a Wu-Tang joke. She did not laugh.
Then the ultrasound! She put some goo on me and manhandled my groin for like 20 minutes. While I writhed in pain, the woman kept apologizing and then essentially yanked on my ballbag like there was gonna be some candy coming out of there.
That was not fun like when Frasier missed his "Frasier Crane Day" because his shoes were too tight.
All of that to basically confirm what the doc said initially. I went back down to my "room" and hung out with my urine sample for an hour. No one had collected that yet.
At some point, a new doctor, Doctor Greenstein, came over. She was a very dry-witted human who finally laughed at my jokes. She began the proceedings by asking a few questions:

1) What seems to be the problem?
2) Have I experienced a fever?
3) Nausea?
4) Vomiting?
5) Penile Discharge?
6) Bloody urine?
7) Had any unprotected sex with a new partner in the past 2 months?
8) Any cancer of the renal or reproductive areas in the family?
So, she inspected my destroyed groin one last time, twisting and turning things and asking what hurt when it was prodded. At that point, everything hurt. I was in so much pain I could barely function. I was getting feverish.
At some point, she looked at me and said "we are worried about a problem area, but we think it may just be unrelated trauma. We're gonna release you with antibiotics. Do you have any questions?"
I asked her:

1) What seems to be the problem?
2) Have you experienced a fever?
3) Nausea?
4) Vomiting?
5) Penile Discharge?
6) Bloody urine?
7) Had any unprotected sex with a new partner in the past 2 months?
8) Any cancer of the renal or reproductive areas in the family?
She laughed.
I liked Dr. Greenstein.
I did ask if Ibuprofen was ok with the meds I was getting and if anyone else was going to squeeze and/or generally manhandle my groin for the rest of the day. She laughed again and said "not to my knowledge."
Then I asked if I could drink on the meds. She looked coyly and said "binge drinking is bad, Jeff." She smiled and left.
My original doc came over and thanked me for being a good sport and said I was "well-liked amongst the staff." Good to know. I asked him never to touch my groin again and he led me to be discharged.

As he walked away, I told him that someone should come and take care of that urine sample. And that they needed a new orderly.
Then, just as I was leaving, Dr. Greenstein came up and told me that if the meds didn't work there was a chance that the whole thing was caused by the troublesome trauma spot. And that I could lose old lefty after all.
I was none too pleased with Dr. Greenstein at that point, but a day in that place had left me no other recourse but to smile and leave.
I went and got medicine, a cheeseburger and now I'm left with lefty. My buddy. My old comrade. Pancho's bestest pal. And a bunch of medicine.
What a day. I think I'll watch some Frazier.
I never did see that orderly.
Somewhere, my urine sample is straight chilling in "room" 10A, keeping all the secrets to my swollen left nut.
damn jarf, praying for you and lefty
I had been waiting all day for a liveblog on the mysterious hospitalization

my only feedback is you didn't make all those people touching your sore ball sound very sexy so I look forward to the second draft
I know someone is reading this thread with great interest

as someone who accidentally saw jarf's nuts one cold december morn, i feel qualified--nay, obligated--to comment:

GIS: livestrong
but seriously, i hope it's just a debilitating nut infection and nothing more severe
jarf i'm praying for you and your loved ones (BALLS)
i have a few questions, though:

1) What seems to be the problem?
2) Have you experienced a fever?
3) Nausea?
4) Vomiting?
5) Penile Discharge?
6) Bloody urine?
7) Had any unprotected sex with a new partner in the past 2 months?
8) Any cancer of the renal or reproductive areas in the family?
familia.jpg
Meds are making me think ole Lefty is gonna make it.
A great story about a great testicle
Good news, guys! It was cancer!
Guys, I just looked up types of news and that's actually bad news.
Sorr
y about your ball cancer
twinsies


someone plz replace paul walker's face with jarf's left ball in this video
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2ndjdw

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