Palubat: i know nothing good will come of this can he be handcuffed at least me: yes me: so you'll go? Palubat: yeah if he's handcuffed me: GROSS HE'S ENTERING MURS' CAVE Palubat: sure is slimy in here me:sound of car speeding off Palubat: odamn
two step flow: would you have lunch at pf changs with plies Jon Mayes: who's paying two step flow: him Jon Mayes: yes two step flow: he's extremely self conscious Jon Mayes: i'll walk him through the menu two step flow: seems to have never seen a napkin before Jon Mayes: get real loose on sake two step flow: yep he's crying now two step flow: wow Jon Mayes: check please two step flow: he's waving the waiters away
RYNAD: only hope is that Kevin Durant will sho up at my apt and start draining dirty clothes into my hamper me: oh man he'd drop 200 on you RYNAD: easy me: but that one time you block the pants from getting in the hamper? Greatest day of your life. RYNAD: I'd be all like "GET THAT DENIM OUT OF HERE GET THAT DENIM OUT OF HERE" bunch of back dudes in my room with their mouths covered going "OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH" *black me: I imagined back dudes, now there's nothingness.
me: paul Palubat: hi me: I want to tell you something but you can't tell anyone else Palubat: ok me: MY MONEY LONG LIKE SLEEVES Palubat: i told randy me: ffffff Palubat: (he was going to the bathroom) me: fffffff
whatsupjoey: no thanks i have responsibilities at home paul two step flow: oh don't worry joey two step flow: the DUNGEON FAMILY have kindly offered to see over things at home during your trip two step flow: joey big ghipp can't seem to find the paper towels can you tell him wh whatsupjoey: paul what is big gipp doing with my food processor two step flow: lol
me: Oh yeah, I'm all sadded up. I'm on my nothing means anything grind. I am not a bird. Tedd: I am not a football team. me: I am not a falling leaf. I am not a remote control. Tedd: Everything I do is not art. me: Give me the cheetos and I will eat them.
Palubat: : L me: how is it? Palubat: it's terrible me: FREAK U I got my degree in social engineering online at FREAK U Palubat: i got my wisdom teeth extracted at FREAKNIK me: that woman won't no dentist but DAT AZZ
two step flow: moonday two step flow: night two step flow: flotbals Jon Mayes: oboy two step flow: ARE YOU R two step flow: RR two step flow: RRRRRR Jon Mayes: andy two step flow: ARE YOU RRR R RR two step flow: R RR two step flow: RR Jon Mayes: he's flooded again two step flow: pump the ass two step flow: gas two step flow: gas two step flow: i meant to say g Jon Mayes: :(
Kris: did you know milk comes from eyeballs me: even breastmilk? wait, what? Kris: yes all milk we're changing it me: let's do it I'm all eyes on this one Kris: I took out an ad on FM radio gonna run during Casey Kasem me: frequency modulation, I like it that Kasem is going places Kris: i'll shoot you some choice lines me: he's the voice of the transformers generation Kris: *** represents a really loud goose honking noise that I dropped two octaves using a guitar pedal *
Narrator: HEY MILK
Narrator: COMES OUT OF EYEBALLS NOW
EVEN THE BOOB ONE AND THE COW ONES AND WE ALSO INVENTED A FROG ONE
me: GOATS GOATS GOATS we need a website to shout otherwise, that's perfect
* CHECK US OUT AT MILK COMES FROM EYEBALLS DOT NET
Kris: TEXT "MILK SECRET" TO 555 FOR THE SECRET ON HOW WE DID IT. OK, I'LL JUST TELL YOU. WE KILLED TONY MEOLA.
Randy: is there any place for me on this earth (looks up at sky) me: man, courtney cox's character in masters of the universe was stupid to think that was her real mom and she just gave her the damned machine? oman it was actually evil-lyn
3:40 AM Kris: Just had a fucking virtuoso cabbie performance Made it known early on that he didn't trade in small talk. Let his abilities a professional driver of humans trade in... BIG TALK One man automotive pick and rolls. The driver was Stockton, but his insatiable driver DNA was Malone Then I fell into a timewarp where people were fish and I couldn't figure out whose house this is or why we ever thought the internet was a good idea. Gimme a book deal.
me: Miles, are you celebrating diversity as much as you should? Miles: HOW DARE YOU me: hey man, it's just a question no need to get defensive Miles: you know my family was murdered by the diversity tribes of the north me: ok fair point
two step flow: REMEMBER ME FROM 1997 I'M THAT SWEATING MAN IN YOUR PRE-CAL CLASS two step flow: WELL NOW I'M ALL GROWN UP AND FULL OF BUD LIGHT WANNNA F4 two step flow: HIT F4 TO WIN MORE WITH NORE two step flow: WHY DON'T YOU HIT ALT+F4 AND GE TTH EFUCK OUT OF MY LIFE BITCH two step flow: (actual transcript of a fb chat)
Jon Mayes: KNOCK KNOCK Jon Mayes: two step flow: he's n two step flow: he's not two step flow: he's not taking my money two step flow: he sure is happy to see me Jon Mayes: just leave him be Jon Mayes: he'll know what to do two step flow: don't DON'T SIT DOWN
this had to be his gf or someone else logged into his account:
two step flow: well hello dere meers Jon Mayes: hi two step flow: what's going on over there Jon Mayes: HOT STUFF COMING THRU two step flow: i said the same thing on the toilet this m Jon Mayes: eww two step flow: -__- Jon Mayes: ^__^ two step flow: this is the worst conversation we've ever had Jon Mayes: it is! Jon Mayes signed off at 10:14 AM. two step flow: so when are you going to tell kate about that rich old lady you've been sleeping with two step flow: oh
me: my lawyer says otherwise he's a terrible lawyer I think this briefcase is filled with live shrimp. Chris: from now on we should only communicate through our respective legal councils. you may forward all correspondence to the offices of Tiger, Maco, Hammerhead and Associates me: and mine to Tearific Talentz c/o Finders-Keepers Agency I gotta get a new lawyer
found this back from my summer of unemployment/horrific drinking in 2010, made me laugh:
Jopy: paul we can offer you a position at omgtru me: i'll take it Jopy: the title is Junior Editorial Midshipman Jopy: the pay is $9/week me: whats a midshipman Jopy: paul do you want the job or not me: joey is omgtru headquartered on a boat
me: dro and I would like to invite you to a dinner party strictly black tie Palubat: You both hate me me: no not at all we're inviting you to a fancy dinner a nice time with nice folks a good mix of snates and jarves and palus we even fixed you up with a little date no pressure she's super nice Dro met her in an airport it's 100 euros a plate but we'll cover the cost Palubat: I dunno I'm not feeling so great you guys can just drop me off at bennigans me: the bennigans burned down c'mon Dro's really into you meeting this young lady and it's free Palubat: I find this very suspicious Drop me off at the Chi Chi's please me: dude, we went to all this trouble and Dro is really upset he's throwing a bunch of shit really upset Palubat: Ok ok fine me: great so seating chart at our table me Palubat: I want you both to know this puts me in a very awkward position me: Dro my ladyfriend the Dro ho and his friend he brought for you she's recently single Palubat: Can I get a beverage WAITER me: Ms. Pearlman Here she comes now Palubat: I knew it me: well Palubat: I'm just going to walk to bennigans me: we all really want what's best for you I think you'll find escape QUITE impossible Palubat: I'll just be in the bathroom then Do NOT send rhea in me: the bathrooms are locked oh man she's gotta go you two can share the room it's not a bathroom per se Palubat: Excuse me do you mean share a toilet stall me: um it's a bed Palubat: You guys really fucked me on this one me: and, yeah, you do whatever you want in it gotta run, Dro's beating his bare chest and screaming about real shit HOLLA Palubat: Byeeeeeeeee
me: I clean it Palubat: you clean the dog hair me: yes Palubat: i see. well i guess at this point it can't get any worse add the doghair me: we're out of doghair alternate caption: GROSS HE'S JACKING SNOOP DOGG OFF Palubat: alternate caption: OUR LIVES ARE SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL
bigteef100: In RoboCop: Creating a Legend, a bonus feature on the RoboCop: 20th Anniversary DVD, it is stated that Murphy's face was removed from his corpse and implanted on the cyborg's head to give RoboCop a sense of identity. This psychological disruption RoboCop may have experienced is explained from the basis that a person whose memory has been erased would still possess the memory of being human and would suffer a psychotic breakdown if he saw the reflection of a robotic image instead of his original image of humanity. two step flow: robocop is such a pussy two step flow: if i woke up and had a robot face i'd be stoked
bigteef100: hence his song 'carolina [in my mind]'? two step flow: i love that song, i must admit bigteef100: shocking two step flow: people in nc get very happy when it plays two step flow: we have a much less emotional reaction to "Enter Sandman" bigteef100: why do you think that is? two step flow: hard to say, seeing as how both are about the serenity and beauty of north carolina
me: eyelash man vs whisker baby sammy: eyelash man like a boss me: battlefield is John Travolta's saved up semen sammy: the only tough part of whisker baby is the actual whiskers me: right sammy: the rest is pudgy weak baby meat me: real talk
sammy: but you can always destroy a good smell with any other smell or farts which are also smells but also something more the fantastic raging boner vs. uneven tit lady field of battle: ComicCon restroom me: RAGE LOSES, uneven tits are just undeniably powerful
me: props to that man and props to his horrific gambling problem Jeff: there are millions of them, but they only release them in small quantities, so shit is mad valuable me: you gotta bet big to win big wait are we talking about the 89 upper deck dale murphy reverse negative?
You: asian like north america or asian like uk Stranger: or aisan like aisan You: right You: do you like french fries Stranger: asian* Stranger: yeah You: me too You: i'm kind of torn You: it's late here You: french fries or pizza You: somehow maybe i do both Stranger: do both You: pizza man comes into a big building and dances You: its dark in there Stranger: yeah You: fucking police wont come soon they don't You: have the modern radios Stranger: wtf u on about? You: honestly i'm on drugs
Palubat: quick question why do you hate me so much Jarf: NO HATE SORRY I HAVE TO USE CAPS LOCK ON THIS CONFIRMATION SHEET IT'S LIKE I AM SHOUTING HAY HAY PAUL CAN I HAVE SOME HUCKLEBERRY JUICE PAUL PAUL CAN I HAVE SOME HUCKLEBERRY JUICE I PROMISE I WON'T SPILL IT ON ME SHIRT Palubat: :(
Daniel: all good i did it this morning. but thanks for checking it on it Jeff: destroy the beard; the body remains Daniel: bah... you were like samson, beard. i cry at night sometimes Jeff: causation is not iniquity, destruction is only wanton if you want it Daniel: sometimes my poop smells like the foods I eat Jeff: right
Me: 9405510200829141782646 NUMBERZ NOMBRES fuck that's names NUMEROS the raccoons outside were fighting last night sounded like eagles having sex. the raccoons fighting/ sounded like eagles/ having sex Daniel: Is this Jarf? What the hell is going on here Me: Part of my new book entitled "People,"
Jarf: Mike from the Post Office came by yesterday and bugged the shit out of me about emails from Endicia. After telling him 15 times that you were in charge of all that, he finally understood human language and waddled awkwardly into the sunset. It was actually quite beautiful. Daniel: I haven't gotten shit from them either Jarf: He inflated with helium and floated above Haw River. A smile crept across his face as the women of the town looked up at his swollen visage. Seriously, though, that dude never leaves when you need him to. Daniel: I got pretty short with him the last time. You were out and I was covering for you, and I basically just told him to email me when he wants to schedule a time. which of course he never does Jarf: Time explodes. Nothing is real. Fault lines spray us with Carmelo Anthony's remains. This is business in the year 2020. E08987
Joey: yeah i took lots of bites of burritos Burton: you saw the burrito rail gun right? Joey: yes burton but it seems like a very violent delivery system Burton: force and velocity enhance flavor itís part of einsteins theory of taste its like, i mean, you havenít eaten a burger until youíve hired a weight lifter to punch it into your mouth
Jeff: This existence is hapless and with little soulful remuneration. Seth:You're telling me, friend. You're telling me Ya know, I think Stalin gets a bad rep Jeff: NASCAR driver? Seth: nah, nah Josef Jeff: Oh yeah, him. I thought you were talking about Dale Earnhardt Jr. I agree that Jr gets a bad rep. Seth: Ah shit, you're right, i meant Jr. Sometimes I get those 2 confused Jeff: Easy mistake. Seth: Pol Pot, though. Gets a bad rep and I just don't get it Jeff: Yeah, rubbing is racing. I hear ya.
Jeff: So, you decided to go with the Crips, eh? Against my wishes? Seth: They have better benefits Jeff: Sigh You're right. I'll miss you old friend. Fare thee well. Damn raccoon Seth: We can still hang, right? The Crips were telling me I should go hang with you guys and say whats up. They say every new member does it. Jeff: Damn raccoon's got aholt of my pecker again sorry, wrong window Yeah, we can't hang anymore. Seth: You think the crips will be cool if I tell em I changed my mind and that I want to be a blood now? Jeff: Totes. V understanding dudes. You should head over now, before the big family dinner. dammit, OW. Getting this raccoon was the worst mistake I've ever OW made. Seth: I mean, I coulda told you that before you got it. Racoons are feisty Sneaky little bastards Jeff: OW yeah
Jeff: Sup Seth: Hi Ok ok, I did it. Alright. I did it. I killed the otter I didn't want to! I didn't want to... Jeff: Why? Seth: But if you must press so much, I did it for my dad Jeff: No, I mean why are you talking to me? Seth: You...you said "sup" Jeff: Oh shit did I? I meant that for Charlie. My bad! Seth: God you're a horses ass Jeff: Hope everything's good, though, champ. Good luck with the ottoman or whatever. Seth: Fuck Off Jeff: I'm sure your dad will like it fine
Me: And I may never be seen again Seth: Well let's hope that's not the case Seth, I can't tell the future there are a lot of outcomes and my prediction models all quit on me for "lack of institutional control" So I'm just preparing you for the darkest timeline Seth: Ok Jesus Understood Me: The cool timeline is I drink and buy jeans really hoping for that one
Seth: 2/24 a strong street date Me: Every release date is strong Seth, you just have to be in it to win it. *rips off penis and flies out over the Hudson river Seth: Hahahahahhaha Me: I'M FREE Seth: What was that Hahahahaha Me: We needed some violence Seth: Like, 20 minutes ago you said how you needed to buckle down and focus Me: that is true