IM highlights 2

joey: paul i'm thinking about retiring the IM highlights thread and starting a new one
joey: what do you think
paul: ehh, i don't really see the need
me: Jarf no like IM Highlights 2
Palubat: we now know, more than ever
that JOPY badman
me: Yes, Jopy BADMAN
Palubat: i fear for the MAYES
me: MAYES isn't gonna like this.
Palubat: i know nothing good will come of this
can he be handcuffed at least
me: yes
me: so you'll go?
Palubat: yeah if he's handcuffed
me: GROSS HE'S ENTERING MURS' CAVE
Palubat: sure is slimy in here
me: sound of car speeding off
Palubat: odamn
two step flow: you deem geese ignoble?
two step flow: maybe the cape barren goose
two step flow: but a canada goose is hellafied noble
paul: joey what if told you i could get you a personal meet and greet with WILL.I.AM
paul disconnected
Palubat: why are you pulling that out of your butt in a syringe
me: THIS PRESS CONFERENCE IS OVER
two step flow: would you have lunch at pf changs with plies
Jon Mayes: who's paying
two step flow: him
Jon Mayes: yes
two step flow: he's extremely self conscious
Jon Mayes: i'll walk him through the menu
two step flow: seems to have never seen a napkin before
Jon Mayes: get real loose on sake
two step flow: yep he's crying now
two step flow: wow
Jon Mayes: check please
two step flow: he's waving the waiters away
RYNAD: only hope is that Kevin Durant will sho up at my apt and start draining dirty clothes into my hamper
me: oh man
he'd drop 200 on you
RYNAD: easy
me: but that one time you block the pants from getting in the hamper? Greatest day of your life.
RYNAD: I'd be all like "GET THAT DENIM OUT OF HERE GET THAT DENIM OUT OF HERE"
bunch of back dudes in my room with their mouths covered going "OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH"
*black
me: I imagined back dudes, now there's nothingness.
me: buttsuction.net
NAIR: totally safe for work
me: is that a thing

NAIR: welp just found my dream job
what is this supposed to accomplish exactly
me: byutts
randysterling: whats good
me: oh you know
loading up this ammo to explode it on a camel and his soldiers
just had a cream soda
it sucked
me: gross what is he doing
get away from him randy
randy why aren't you getting away from him
GROSS HE'S JACKING MAX B OFF
me: paul
Palubat: hi
me: I want to tell you something
but you can't tell anyone else
Palubat: ok
me: MY MONEY LONG LIKE SLEEVES
Palubat: i told randy
me: ffffff
Palubat: (he was going to the bathroom)
me: fffffff
burton: 500 green ball sacks please
me: boy if only i had a dollar for every time that phrase crossed my lips
whatsupjoey: no thanks i have responsibilities at home paul
two step flow: oh don't worry joey
two step flow: the DUNGEON FAMILY have kindly offered to see over things at home during your trip
two step flow: joey big ghipp can't seem to find the paper towels can you tell him wh
whatsupjoey: paul what is big gipp doing with my food processor
two step flow: lol
me: Oh yeah, I'm all sadded up.
I'm on my nothing means anything grind.
I am not a bird.
Tedd: I am not a football team.
me: I am not a falling leaf.
I am not a remote control.
Tedd: Everything I do is not art.
me: Give me the cheetos and I will eat them.
burton: he literally made wine out of acorns from his yard
Palubat: : L
me: how is it?
Palubat: it's terrible
me: FREAK U
I got my degree in social engineering online at FREAK U
Palubat: i got my wisdom teeth extracted at FREAKNIK
me: that woman won't no dentist but DAT AZZ
from last week:

brian: i may not be able to liveblog the world series, but there may be other things i can liveblog
me: liveblog the layoffs at your company
brian: jesus
me: that's as much as you can ask for from dream luda
Palubat: yeah tru
brian: this chat isn't going on the tru is it?
me: do you not want people to know your parents died on 9/11?
brian: yeah i'd rather keep that under wraps
two step flow: moonday
two step flow: night
two step flow: flotbals
Jon Mayes: oboy
two step flow: ARE YOU R
two step flow: RR
two step flow: RRRRRR
Jon Mayes: andy
two step flow: ARE YOU RRR R RR
two step flow: R RR
two step flow: RR
Jon Mayes: he's flooded again
two step flow: pump the ass
two step flow: gas
two step flow: gas
two step flow: i meant to say g
Jon Mayes: :(
bigteef100: it would be an interesting choice to have to make
two step flow: if you expect me to eat that throbbing, neon-underlit sphere of meat rising from the steel vat, you're out of your mind
Kris: did you know milk comes from eyeballs
me: even breastmilk?
wait, what?
Kris: yes all milk
we're changing it
me: let's do it
I'm all eyes on this one
Kris: I took out an ad on FM radio
gonna run during Casey Kasem
me: frequency modulation, I like it
that Kasem is going places
Kris: i'll shoot you some choice lines
me: he's the voice of the transformers generation
Kris: *** represents a really loud goose honking noise that I dropped two octaves using a guitar pedal
*

*

*

Narrator: HEY MILK

**

*

Narrator: COMES OUT OF EYEBALLS NOW

*

EVEN THE BOOB ONE AND THE COW ONES AND WE ALSO INVENTED A FROG ONE

**

that's it

me: GOATS GOATS GOATS
we need a website to shout
otherwise, that's perfect

like

*
CHECK US OUT AT MILK COMES FROM EYEBALLS DOT NET

Kris: TEXT "MILK SECRET" TO 555 FOR THE SECRET ON HOW WE DID IT. OK, I'LL JUST TELL YOU. WE KILLED TONY MEOLA.

me: *
Randy: is there any place for me on this earth
(looks up at sky)
me: man, courtney cox's character in masters of the universe was stupid to think that was her real mom and she just gave her the damned machine?
oman it was actually evil-lyn
3:40 AM
Kris: Just had a fucking virtuoso cabbie performance
Made it known early on that he didn't trade in small talk.
Let his abilities a professional driver of humans trade in... BIG TALK
One man automotive pick and rolls. The driver was Stockton, but his insatiable driver DNA was Malone
Then I fell into a timewarp where people were fish and I couldn't figure out whose house this is or why we ever thought the internet was a good idea.
Gimme a book deal.
paul: i was just thinking about the dennis the menace theme music the other day
paul: and thinking i should learn it on the saxophone
me: be strong randy
me: like a rock...
me: WHOAAAAA LIKE A ROCK
me: remember that song
Randy: lol
me: I'm getting brains right now.
From a girl.
Randy: is her name paul
me: ina
paulina
she's got long black hair
and beautiful wings
sobs violently
me: Miles, are you celebrating diversity as much as you should?
Miles: HOW DARE YOU
me: hey man, it's just a question
no need to get defensive
Miles: you know my family was murdered by the diversity tribes of the north
me: ok
fair point
two step flow: REMEMBER ME FROM 1997 I'M THAT SWEATING MAN IN YOUR PRE-CAL CLASS
two step flow: WELL NOW I'M ALL GROWN UP AND FULL OF BUD LIGHT WANNNA F4
two step flow: HIT F4 TO WIN MORE WITH NORE
two step flow: WHY DON'T YOU HIT ALT+F4 AND GE TTH EFUCK OUT OF MY LIFE BITCH
two step flow: (actual transcript of a fb chat)
Jon Mayes: KNOCK KNOCK
Jon Mayes:
two step flow: he's n
two step flow: he's not
two step flow: he's not taking my money
two step flow: he sure is happy to see me
Jon Mayes: just leave him be
Jon Mayes: he'll know what to do
two step flow: don't DON'T SIT DOWN
me: bro you would NEVER get rejected by the best butt warehouse
anthony: thanks bro
context not necessary
but just to provide some context, i was worried about being rejected by the best butt warehouse, and joey assured me that i wouldn't be.
and then i thanked him for being a bro
that explanation was both accurate and compelling
i feel like i fully understand now
(guys i did some peyote this m
this had to be his gf or someone else logged into his account:

two step flow: well hello dere meers
Jon Mayes: hi
two step flow: what's going on over there
Jon Mayes: HOT STUFF COMING THRU
two step flow: i said the same thing on the toilet this m
Jon Mayes: eww
two step flow: -__-
Jon Mayes: ^__^
two step flow: this is the worst conversation we've ever had
Jon Mayes: it is!
Jon Mayes signed off at 10:14 AM.
two step flow: so when are you going to tell kate about that rich old lady you've been sleeping with
two step flow: oh
101% MAYES
me: my lawyer says otherwise
he's a terrible lawyer
I think this briefcase is filled with live shrimp.
Chris: from now on we should only communicate through our respective legal councils. you may forward all correspondence to the offices of Tiger, Maco, Hammerhead and Associates
me: and mine to Tearific Talentz c/o Finders-Keepers Agency
I gotta get a new lawyer
found this back from my summer of unemployment/horrific drinking in 2010, made me laugh:

Jopy: paul we can offer you a position at omgtru
me: i'll take it
Jopy: the title is Junior Editorial Midshipman
Jopy: the pay is $9/week
me: whats a midshipman
Jopy: paul do you want the job or not
me: joey is omgtru headquartered on a boat
oh sorry buddy that position has been filled
introducing bruton, your Junior Editorial Midshipman or OMGTRU JEM.
joey i still haven't gotten my paych
art for membership du
Palubat: Is it about coach Seth Greenburg
me: HEY YA'LL RUN THE PRESS WHILE I DO MY WIFE REAL AWKWARD LIKE
Palubat: TELL EM BIG BABBY SENT YOU
Jon Mayes: that cat bad cat
two step flow: omg tru
two step flow: had to whack it with a sock at 5am
two step flow: making noise
two step flow: woke nairman up
Jon Mayes: pardon
Palubat: why are you poking me with this needle
me: aren't you here for the checkup?
we do internal medicine here
Palubat: um no i was here to serve you this summons
me: best if you lie down now
two step flow: they should make the im version of ihop
two step flow: IMHOP
two step flow: welcome to ihop can i refill your coffee
Jon Mayes: no
Randy: i was wondering why it was so gooey
me: this is not how our lives are supposed to be
me: dro and I would like to invite you to a dinner party
strictly black tie
Palubat: You both hate me
me: no not at all
we're inviting you to a fancy dinner
a nice time with nice folks
a good mix of snates and jarves and palus
we even fixed you up with a little date
no pressure
she's super nice
Dro met her in an airport
it's 100 euros a plate
but we'll cover the cost
Palubat: I dunno I'm not feeling so great you guys can just drop me off at bennigans
me: the bennigans burned down
c'mon
Dro's really into you meeting this young lady
and it's free
Palubat: I find this very suspicious
Drop me off at the Chi Chi's please
me: dude, we went to all this trouble
and Dro is really upset
he's throwing a bunch of shit
really upset
Palubat: Ok ok fine
me: great
so
seating chart
at our table
me
Palubat: I want you both to know this puts me in a very awkward position
me: Dro
my ladyfriend
the Dro ho
and
his friend he brought for you
she's recently single
Palubat: Can I get a beverage WAITER
me: Ms. Pearlman
Here she comes now
Palubat: I knew it
me: well
Palubat: I'm just going to walk to bennigans
me: we all really want what's best for you
I think you'll find escape QUITE impossible
Palubat: I'll just be in the bathroom then
Do NOT send rhea in
me: the bathrooms are locked
oh man
she's gotta go
you two can share the room
it's not a bathroom per se
Palubat: Excuse me do you mean share a toilet stall
me: um
it's a bed
Palubat: You guys really fucked me on this one
me: and, yeah, you do whatever you want in it
gotta run, Dro's beating his bare chest and screaming about real shit
HOLLA
Palubat: Byeeeeeeeee
paul, age 18
Rachel: 3/4 of a million households without power
nuts
me: I saw that
there's a huge poop spill in MD
tons of raw sewage just floating in the flood
END TIMES
just like the bible told us
Rachel: yuck
me: yeah
life blows
but I got my hot dog mac, god
joe: thats true as hell
me: COME AND TAKE IT BASTARDS
joe: they will
me: I clean it
Palubat: you clean the dog hair
me: yes
Palubat: i see. well i guess at this point it can't get any worse
add the doghair
me: we're out of doghair
alternate caption: GROSS HE'S JACKING SNOOP DOGG OFF
Palubat: alternate caption: OUR LIVES ARE SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL
bigteef100: In RoboCop: Creating a Legend, a bonus feature on the RoboCop: 20th Anniversary DVD, it is stated that Murphy's face was removed from his corpse and implanted on the cyborg's head to give RoboCop a sense of identity. This psychological disruption RoboCop may have experienced is explained from the basis that a person whose memory has been erased would still possess the memory of being human and would suffer a psychotic breakdown if he saw the reflection of a robotic image instead of his original image of humanity.
two step flow: robocop is such a pussy
two step flow: if i woke up and had a robot face i'd be stoked
bigteef100: hence his song 'carolina [in my mind]'?
two step flow: i love that song, i must admit
bigteef100: shocking
two step flow: people in nc get very happy when it plays
two step flow: we have a much less emotional reaction to "Enter Sandman"
bigteef100: why do you think that is?
two step flow: hard to say, seeing as how both are about the serenity and beauty of north carolina
me: my thumb hurts
Jennie: ?
me: the nail is pushing against the side
Jennie: i see
me:
me: god joey boston is so tiny
you can literally walk across downtown in about 3 minutes
Jopy: yeah it's wicked small
me: anyone up for some x-rated cocktails?
me: eyelash man vs whisker baby
sammy: eyelash man like a boss
me: battlefield is John Travolta's saved up semen
sammy: the only tough part of whisker baby is the actual whiskers
me: right
sammy: the rest is pudgy weak baby meat
me: real talk


sammy: but you can always destroy a good smell with any other smell
or farts
which are also smells
but also something more
the fantastic raging boner vs. uneven tit lady
field of battle: ComicCon restroom
me: RAGE LOSES, uneven tits are just undeniably powerful
Adam: I told an old Asian lady to shove her lunch up her ass in Chinatown about an hr ago.
me: What's the problem?
And did she do it?
Chinatown's where you get something like that done, right?
forget it jarf, it's chinatown.
burton: at a minimum i highly recommend putting wasabi in your guacamole
me: props to that man
and props to his horrific gambling problem
Jeff: there are millions of them, but they only release them in small quantities, so shit is mad valuable
me: you gotta bet big to win big
wait are we talking about the 89 upper deck dale murphy reverse negative?
You: asian like north america or asian like uk
Stranger: or aisan like aisan
You: right
You: do you like french fries
Stranger: asian*
Stranger: yeah
You: me too
You: i'm kind of torn
You: it's late here
You: french fries or pizza
You: somehow maybe i do both
Stranger: do both
You: pizza man comes into a big building and dances
You: its dark in there
Stranger: yeah
You: fucking police wont come soon they don't
You: have the modern radios
Stranger: wtf u on about?
You: honestly i'm on drugs
me: did you put in yaln protocol?
Palubat: HELLO JOE
i spilled a dr pepper on him and his circuits went all crazy
me: sounds like you put in yaln protocol
Palubat: quick question
why do you hate me so much
Jarf: NO HATE
SORRY
I HAVE TO USE CAPS LOCK ON THIS CONFIRMATION SHEET
IT'S LIKE I AM SHOUTING
HAY
HAY PAUL
CAN I HAVE SOME HUCKLEBERRY JUICE
PAUL
PAUL
CAN I HAVE SOME HUCKLEBERRY JUICE
I PROMISE I WON'T SPILL IT ON ME SHIRT
Palubat: :(
Daniel: all good i did it this morning. but thanks for checking it on it
Jeff: destroy the beard; the body remains
Daniel: bah... you were like samson, beard. i cry at night sometimes
Jeff: causation is not iniquity, destruction is only wanton if you want it
Daniel: sometimes my poop smells like the foods I eat
Jeff: right
Jeff: Shipping Logs in
I ate too much pizza and now my eye is weird.
That's gonna be written on my gravestone.
Nothing weird about that.
Daniel: i can't think of anything to say
Jeff: yeah sorry
"pizza" is code for marijuana, obvs
Me: 9405510200829141782646
NUMBERZ
NOMBRES
fuck that's names
NUMEROS
the raccoons outside were fighting last night
sounded like eagles having sex.
the raccoons fighting/ sounded like eagles/ having sex
Daniel: Is this Jarf?
What the hell is going on here
Me: Part of my new book entitled "People,"
Jarf: Mike from the Post Office came by yesterday and bugged the shit out of me about emails from Endicia. After telling him 15 times that you were in charge of all that, he finally understood human language and waddled awkwardly into the sunset.
It was actually quite beautiful.
Daniel: I haven't gotten shit from them either
Jarf: He inflated with helium and floated above Haw River. A smile crept across his face as the women of the town looked up at his swollen visage.
Seriously, though, that dude never leaves when you need him to.
Daniel: I got pretty short with him the last time. You were out and I was covering for you, and I basically just told him to email me when he wants to schedule a time. which of course he never does
Jarf: Time explodes. Nothing is real. Fault lines spray us with Carmelo Anthony's remains. This is business in the year 2020.
E08987
Joey: yeah i took lots of bites of burritos
Burton: you saw the burrito rail gun right?
Joey: yes burton but it seems like a very violent delivery system
Burton: force and velocity enhance flavor
itís part of einsteins theory of taste
its like, i mean, you havenít eaten a burger until youíve hired a weight lifter to punch it into your mouth
Burton: My mom told me if I read Revelations, something good would happen, so I read it because I really wanted Andre Agassi to win Wimbledon. And he did.
Jeff: This existence is hapless and with little soulful remuneration.
Seth:You're telling me, friend. You're telling me
Ya know, I think Stalin gets a bad rep
Jeff: NASCAR driver?
Seth: nah, nah Josef
Jeff: Oh yeah, him. I thought you were talking about Dale Earnhardt Jr.
I agree that Jr gets a bad rep.
Seth: Ah shit, you're right, i meant Jr. Sometimes I get those 2 confused
Jeff: Easy mistake.
Seth: Pol Pot, though. Gets a bad rep and I just don't get it
Jeff: Yeah, rubbing is racing. I hear ya.
Jeff: So, you decided to go with the Crips, eh?
Against my wishes?
Seth: They have better benefits
Jeff: Sigh
You're right.
I'll miss you old friend.
Fare thee well.
Damn raccoon
Seth: We can still hang, right? The Crips were telling me I should go hang with you guys and say whats up. They say every new member does it.
Jeff: Damn raccoon's got aholt of my pecker again
sorry, wrong window
Yeah, we can't hang anymore.
Seth: You think the crips will be cool if I tell em I changed my mind and that I want to be a blood now?
Jeff: Totes. V understanding dudes.
You should head over now, before the big family dinner.
dammit, OW. Getting this raccoon was the worst mistake I've ever OW made.
Seth: I mean, I coulda told you that before you got it. Racoons are feisty
Sneaky little bastards
Jeff: OW yeah
Jeff: Sup
Seth: Hi
Ok ok, I did it. Alright. I did it. I killed the otter
I didn't want to! I didn't want to...
Jeff: Why?
Seth: But if you must press so much, I did it for my dad
Jeff: No, I mean why are you talking to me?
Seth: You...you said "sup"
Jeff: Oh shit did I? I meant that for Charlie. My bad!
Seth: God you're a horses ass
Jeff: Hope everything's good, though, champ.
Good luck with the ottoman or whatever.
Seth: Fuck Off
Jeff: I'm sure your dad will like it fine
sorry paul
Me: And I may never be seen again
Seth: Well let's hope that's not the case
Seth, I can't tell the future
there are a lot of outcomes
and my prediction models all quit on me for "lack of institutional control"
So I'm just preparing you
for the darkest timeline
Seth: Ok
Jesus
Understood
Me: The cool timeline is I drink and buy jeans
really hoping for that one
Seth: Maybe some Clipse?
Me: It's like you've known me my whole life.
i recently saw seth green coming out of a restaurant (blaze pizza) FYI
ICYMI
me: bundy drive ruminations
tell you what
going to an eight hour screening of the oj doc at some theater downtown next weekend
hope to hobnob with some oj buffs
typo
going dressed as buff hobo oj

Jon: bring a brick
Seth: 2/24 a strong street date
Me: Every release date is strong Seth, you just have to be in it to win it.
*rips off penis and flies out over the Hudson river
Seth: Hahahahahhaha
Me: I'M FREE
Seth: What was that
Hahahahaha
Me: We needed some violence
Seth: Like, 20 minutes ago you said how you needed to buckle down and focus
Me: that is true

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