it's been an ok day. i slept until 2:45 pm, which kind of sucked. i was really hungover. i checked to make sure i didn't write any embarrassing emails to girls or any phone calls i'd regret. all clear. i was disappointed to see that i drank all but about 1/4 inch of a liter of chivas regal. that's a bit too much, even by my standards. at one point i was reading an essay about the possibility of theodore kazcynski being the zodiac killer, it's pretty compelling, especially the handwriting analysis. at that precise moment MAYES texted me to tell me of a murder in fayetteville, nc where the murderer has now sent a note to the local paper claiming responsibility for the killing and stating that the zodiac was his role model and there will be more. creepy. so that put me in an uneasy mind state so i worked out on the stationary bike for an hour and took a shower. then i realized i have short enough hair now that i can rock the fitted cap so the Nats lid is firmly on my domepiece. then i went across the street to get some beer and smokes and this girl about 20-something and her mom were in there buying sodas. the mom paid in all nickels and dimes and the girl was laughing and i swear to god her laugh sounded exactly like a donkey braying. i mean exactly. it was too much and i had to go over behind the shelves to keep from cracking up. now i'm sitting in my living room drinking six point hoptical illusion IPA. on my second beer.

listening to lupe fiasco. joey i think you need to give his first album another go. i mean check this verse about a young boy growing up in the ghetto in chicago:

then he leaves the house that love built
that HUD renovated, that section 8 pays for
well let's pray for him, let the beat play for him
cuz he gotta go face the drama, with a different face
from the one that he use to face his mama
if you look, you will see it consists of a smile that hurts,
an ice grill and a trace of trauma
lil' bit of his father, and other criterion that's no different from a young Liberian
don't the delirium weary him, living in the inner city, out of his mind
leery of reconciling
i'm cool, i don't foretell best
i ain't nicest MC, i ain't Cornell West
i am Cornell Westside, Chi-Town Rivera
Malcolm exorcised the demons, gansta leaning
who traded in his kufi for a New Era
chose a .44 over a mortarboard
i ain't accredited institute graduate, i ain't from Nazareth
my conception wasn't immaculate, i ain't master no calculus
or good addition to the rap ambiance
i backflipped on the mattress they slept on me on
what now, joe? knowing is half the battle
fightin temptation, have an apple
shake the snakes, pimp the system
let's get into it. tabernacle.


MOTHERFUCKER CAN RAP GOOD

speaking of tabernacle, other hip hop slang i quite fancy:

"god's son across the belly"

"splashy"

"wavy"

"real spit"

"take that"

"pause"

"the hoodington"

"keepin it 100"

"the jake"

"I COMMAND YOU NIGGAS TO GET MONEY"

people i miss:

jarf (already)
MAYES
sharkey
my uncle james
my old friend chris w., he was goofy and had a lot of hobie t-shirts but i fondly remember the day we first snuck into an alley off nation avenue to listen to NWA on his sister's fisher price tape recorder. he works at barnes and noble in cary now and is married.
peter jennings
that girl on the metro red line in 1998 who told me i had very nice eyes and also that my fly was wide open
dogs
joel from mst3k
my old landlord clayton pressley III
my barber albert
ken griffey sr.
lydia burrows, one of my old classmates from middle school who spoke fluent dutch and laughed at everything; if she googles her name and finds this email me!
the old pope, what was his name? john paul II. he was so much better than the current pope
my dad's friend chuck, he had a lot of guns but knew really cool card tricks

ah fuck it i miss everyone

modest mouse's best lyric is probably "and i'm lonesome when you're around, and i'm never lonesome when i'm by myself". if that doesn't sum my view up, i dunno what does.

another good lyric is "go 'head, nigga, say another name, take the semi for a joke, play those wayans brothers games, and i'm gon' get you, sucka, i be schemin with this keenan, aimin' with this damon, i'm puttin that major pain in"

paul i saw a guy who looked like you at the lucky lab drinking beers. also liek 50000 old dudes with beards. PORTL

oh and i miss fred, too. only MAYES will know who that is, but you know mayes, sometimes i do. i spent a lot of hours sitting around bullshitting with that guy. he could infuriate me sometimes, too. but that's par for the course i guess. the good thing is he's constantly on AIM so i know where to find him.

the lucky lab sounds like my kind of place. i see guys who look like me about once every six months or so. the most striking was a dude named Guy at my college who worked as an IT manager for the school's website. one night i saw him at the grocery store at like 3:30am. it was like a movie, we both entered opposite ends of the aisle at the same time, slowly looked at each other, registered fear and ran off. it was surreal. i was high as fuck too.

sometimes i want to ask my dad if my mom was ever pregnant with another kid and just got an abortion. does that seem insane? maybe it's an only child thing. i've always wondered what having siblings is like. i can't even fathom it.

i also don't really understand why if you have one kid, you don't want at least another one. oh wait now i remember why, WE WERE POOR AS FUCK.

third beer successfully engaged; neutralized

so i'm strongly considering another tattoo. i have one, of the DC flag, on my left leg. i got it because i turned 18 and i could, but i chose the flag because washington dc has entered into my life at the most important moments and i feel that a large part of me is a reflection of that particular city, or what it was at one time. now, i am very anti-tattoo. some of the most offensive things i have seen on the internet are the photos of people getting wacky tattoos, like a slice of pizza or the frasier logo or whatnot. i also really hate seeing a beautiful girl with a crappy tattoo, because to me it betrays insecurity and lack of foresight. i mean that multi-color flaming emblem with songbirds right above your tits looks cool to some now but at age 50 it will look good to no one. it's all about sense, people. some girls have great tattoos but it still kind of irks me. anyways, i am pondering:

durham's old city seal: two magnolia leaves and the year of incorporation (1869). if i am a reflection of dc, i am the total equivalent of durham, nc personified.

the indian flag on my bicep, in black and white

my mom's initials on my neck (just kidding, but on my forearm probably). this would be paired with my dad's initials on opposite arm.

"there is no greater sorrow than recalling, in misery, the time when we were happy" a quote from dante, somewhere on me

"balmoray" the street i spent the best part of my life on, somewhere on my arm, in cursive

67 teardrops

a giant spider waving american flags with each leg

eli porter on my back right where he does "roasted like evuh"

an indian guy i know has "WOG" in gothic letters on his wrist. wog is a derogatory term in britain for indians, similar to the n word here. i think it's absolutely ridiculous and incredibly awesome at the same time. my dad would probably lose all respect for me if i got that though.

in fact i remember the morning my dad saw my tat for the first time. i was coming out of the shower before school and he laughed and said "what the hell is that" and i said "the dc flag" and he replied, "i know what it is, what the fuck is it doing on your leg?"

listening to modest mouse's "we were dead before the ship even sank" now. this album was quickly approaching dad rock, like wilco's latest, but it has some great songs. i can't wait to be a dad, though, but it's terrifying. i mean how do i make a good human being? i guess it's easier than it seems. burton, i think you're the only omgtruer with kids, how is it? i'd really like to know. doesn't the influence of the outside world and other kids scare the bejeezus out of you? and joey and brian, you guys are next in line. what's your ideal family?

just think, this website is absorbing all the incessant bullshit spewing from my mind that otherwise would be unleashed on some poor fucker sitting on the barstool next to me. technology is awesome.

fourth beer almost done, i am speeding through this sixer. feeling 20 percent there.

i could have gone to play poker with some of my best friends but i chose to sit in the living room and do this, and that worries me, honestly.

LF: is this tomato salmonella thing over with already? it's the one part of the year i really like raw tomato and i would love a jerk chicken sandwich with lettuce and tom but i don't want a week of the green apple splatters.

speaking of which, you owe it to yourself to find a good jamaican restaurant and eat there. when you're hungover or in a bad mood, go eat some rice and peas, brown stew and some coco bread and drink an irish moss or sorrell. you will feel so much better. i'm almost on the side of saying that southern soul and comfort food doesn't touch jamaican. MAYES: next time you're on your way to katherine's get off I-40 at the 54/55 Apex exit and go to Jamaica Jamaica and get anything there. you will love it. it's just a little hole in the wall in a strip mall and you can sit in a booth and listen to buju banton screaming all sorts of shit. the rest of you guys, i dunno, but squares and daniel port royal in santa monica is off the chain. i understand though that living in southern california and depending on where you live, that is the equivalent of saying go to wisconsin for lunch.

also i don't really understand how the tomato salmonella thing got so out of hand. so one worker with shit smeared hands touched a bushel of tomatoes and now the fucking things are spreading all over the US? i don't really know pathology like i should but shouldn't this have a pretty short shelf life?

LOLOLOLOL wow imagine getting to third base and finding that. wifey material right there.

that's a picture of katherine

wtf is up with the ethics of tattoo artists? if someone came into my shop and requested that, there is no way in hell i'd do it. jinx proof, the shop in dc a lot of my friends got theirs at, was very strict about checking you to make sure you weren't drunk or stoned when you showed up. the lettering on the ray romano chick is pretty fucking good, too. look at that apostrophe. she must have had a friend do it, but still...

tell katherine and emily that if they give me 3,000 dollars i will honestly get a photo realistic tattoo of me holding two bottles of scotch with "I'M HERE TO GET DRUNK" in gothic letters in a speech bubble. no lie.

for everyone else, that is the first thing i said to mayes' gf when i showed up at her apartment back when she lived with our friend in college. we had never met.

mayes what's good at news 14 tonight, any developments on the fayetteville zodiac? i want to be too scared to sleep tonight so i can drink all of jarf's leftover beers. i saw the eve carson development about how they broke into her house, i can't believe two people would be so callous.

in other happy news, puppies are cuddly

it hit 100 today. our house is like 70 years old and not built for heat. we got an a/c unit upstairs so this is just kind of a lie in bed and play hot shots golf 2 on psp while emily watches a bunch of shows about rich people redecorating.

ordered from papa john's. fuck

modest mouse is over. gotta find something new to put on. one reason i love modest mouse is there's a documentary about them on youtube from 1998 when they were just shithead 20 year olds in suburban seattle, just before The Lonesome Crowded West came out. they follow the lead singer into a corner store where he buys a 40 of old english to drink in the park across the street. exchange between him and the arab clerk:

clerk: that's 1.98
issac brock: can i have some matches?
clerk: matches?
issac brock: yeah, can't smoke beers without 'em

then he walked outside and started talking to some woman with two small dogs. said something about "they're like tiny dinosaurs" and she walked off hurriedly. classic.

joey what the fuck is up with the 100 degree weather in portland? i've never seen temps that high in the pacific northwest. and when was that last 100 day? it was like in march right? AL GORE WAS R

they're questioning some old bearded bloke about it

papa john's' whole wheat pizza was surprisingly passable but nowhere near good

in related news i was watching the wilco documentary last night and is that keyboard player for real?

izzat right. some old dude kills a pregnant woman in a motel. what an asshole. fayettenam has a history of weird shit like that. that's what happens when your town consists of a gigantic army base, 100 strip clubs and 2000 abc stores.

was it "i am trying to break your heart"? i haven't seen it but i heard it's good. i know wilco has had high turnover. jeff tweedy is supposedly a big dick. i remember seeing him on molto mario and he was sort of out of it.

fifth beer gone bitches

no joke he looks exactly like eli porter at some parts of that movie

anyways the keyboard player gets kicked out of the band and they do an interview with hiim where he proceeds to go off on a tangent about how tweedy was scared of the guy's rising musical prowess then cut to him playing a show alone in a hole in the wall club in front of 5 people it was like spinal tap

so how long is gonna be before the dude whose blackberry i'm using realizes i've been racking up data usage on it? i don't understand why it still lets me do this. he lost it at our house and we called him to pick it up repeatedly and he never responded. : |

give randy his phone back nair

and this was over a month ago

the waaaandyman

mayes have you ever seen Dig? it's a documentary about the rivalry between the dandy warhols and the brian jonestown massacre when they were struggling bands in portland. there's a ton of footage that was actually shot during the periods where they were just starting out. it's fucking amazing. the lead singer of jonestown is this egomaniac who is actually kind of a great musician and the warhols are this sort of "lucked into it" hipster group. there's a scene shot in the car of the warhols lead singer when he plays their new single for the singer of jonestown and you can pinpoint the actual moment when his heart rips in half. it's unbelievable.

i've heard about it but not seen

recommendation to everyone: listen to wale's new mixtape "a mixtape about nothing". it's the first good rap effort from someone from DC and it's entirely themed on seinfeld. the first track has each stanza starting with "and what's the deal with". it's genius and the guy can actually rap like a motherfucker. google it. i know joey loves it.

mayes netflix that shit. also netflix "night shift" it's a great early 80s nyc comedy and it's actually really funny.

paul the summer is usually cool and awesome but we had basically a really long winter and no spring this year. it just stopped raining about a week and a half ago and now this. basically it will get really hot for a couple days a few times during the summer.

paul i like 2 tracks on that thing don't tell people i love it.

the randyman might join me here, we were supposed to hang out. i'ma call him. i'm sure he just woke up.

it was 100+ earlier today i saw a cat burst into flames

downstairs waiting for pizza so hot

one more hour to go at work then drinkin time at horniblows

paul i like the whole wheat, with whatever the veggie deluxe bullshit is. papa john's isn't for pizza snobs but who am i trying to impr

ok the tape is longwinded joey but you like more than two tracks. the first and roc boys freestyle were embers. and that joint with "raise your glass up" knocks. the go-go influence is the best since that dude produced that amerie single a few years ago, which was also hot. she is blaze as a motherfucker, too, the typical dc hot chick child of military/goverment parents (half korean and black) but she's from the suburbs so i don't feel her like i should. ok i'm drunk sixth beer gone. this was 6.8 percent beer btw.

paul honestly i just listen to the roc boys freestyle on repeat

i listened to a bit of that cut copy

seems a lil repetitive but i can dig it

mayes is DESTROYING emz in a disappointing 1-2 matchup this week. her guys just choked in astounding fashion. hitting .212 with no HRs. at least her pitchers are tearing it up.

last night i got whole wheat with pepperoni, bacon and jalapeno, because the special was 3 topping for 11.99. definitely negated whatever health benefit the whole wheat afforded. it was ok i suppose. what can you really do with whole wheat? next time you're in nyc you and emz are coming to mozzarelli's. they do healthy pizza amazingly. mayes knows but i don't think he liked that place too much.

i employ a "set it and forget it" managing style in where i dont even move the guys i have around let alone pick up free agents

and can i just throw in that my offense has been MVP caliber this week. it's like i have a team full of a-rods from last year, but better.

about that pitching tho

cut copy is starting to grate on me as too 80s but they have some really satisfying tracks. joey, that track where wale talks about white kids appropriating the word "nigga" is really incredible lyricism and honest to boot. that's what i love about the dude. he keeps it humble, still uses the slang that we expect, and also has the dexterity lyrically to explain himself. i honestly expect this guy to blow up nationally within a year. having mark ronson co-sign everything you do also helps a ton.

seriously, it's saturday with games still in progress and check out these stats:

HR - 12
SB - 6
AVG - .351
OPS - 1.06

sorry daniel

yeah it worked for amy winehouse

mayes your team is pretty much untouchable. my bats are such shit now. i almost dropped rowand for this kid on the cards (i think?) whose career is starting to get moving. but fuck it, you know two weeks after all star break i'm drafting an all nats roster. it's tradition. NATS MAN

also when is the senate investigation into the shitshow that was last year's fantasy league? how did mayes beat me by not activating a single player

what is the deal with this "working the buzzer" that snat talks about nair

one of the most frustrating things about head to head is how closely you can lose each week. i mean i'm down 7-1 right now but a good outing from marmol or valverde would shift the pitching into my favor. i love having rotations stacking towards the end of the week, too, it's exciting to see that 15 k to 2 k disparity disappear.

football is right aroudn the corner

pizza here dues later

does that mean you will pay them at another date

mayes i dunno what you are talking about

FUCK

i called randy and he is going to see his friend in the PJs on madison st in the LES. i am feeling lazy and think i'm gonna stay here. i am kind of drunk it was hard to pee and talk on the phone at the same time. not my usual level of coordination

remember that show the pjs

now i am going to drink all the beers in our minifridge. first contestant: tall boy of budweiser

nair right now on sportsnight they're playing highlights of that davidson/gtown game we went to

how does hibbert get drafted and not demarcus nelson?

maybe i'm thinking of ewing jr

remember the show "south central" on fox, about a year after the riots? i remember one episode where the kid was riding the bus and these dudes pulled the strap on him and then he met some fly girl from a middle class neighborhood. god, think how many ironic white writers spent hours racking their brains trying to lend that show credibility.

demarcus nelson is european material. he has none of the qualities of an nba player. he had three seasons to man up and become a team leader and his stats were complete horseshit. one of the worst decisions coach k ever had recruiting, imho.

hibbert has size and in today's nba that means a lot more to some teams than it should

he wasn't that bad but he had an epic meltdown at the end of last season

boy i am excited about davidson next year with curry. i think this little motherfucker might do some damage with a good post position to back him up.

quasi powerhouse in the alma mater's conference

nair while you're drunk go ahead and buy a ticket to vegas

use your vouchers from this weekend if you got them

i dunno mayes, as far as duke guards go i expect a lot more. he could have been a cavs player for the numbers he put up. also i remember so many half court sets where he either had terrible shot selection or drove the ball into two men and created turnovers. his freshman year was great and then he fizzled out. very reminiscent of chris duhon in terms of underscoring

yeah shit if i get a refund i may as well go buy a vegas ticket. i have to be in austin for that weekend, though, so is it worth going to vegas for 48 hours of smoking drinking and gambling? after spending a weekend with my hard drinking uncle maybe so, maybe not.

thing is when i went to uncg i hated davidson. their fans were such shitheads and would come to fleming gym and act like retards. but i guess love for nc trumps that.

also i mean watching curry play is just what basketball is all about. how can you not love that kid (no homo)?

mayes next time i'm in nc let's just drive to cherokee and gamble at harrah's

ptp'er

i'm down

so my options now at 1030 are to subway it into the city and drink in the LES with randy and pay 7 bucks for a bud or walk over to broadway and get more shitty for cheap... fuck. mayes you should see what they did to broadway station, they spent two months renovating it and now it's a trendy urban cocktail lounge with all black interior and high end food. shit's disgusting (c) cam'ron

i would kill to go to horniblows and drink bad penny until i barf at snoopy's

so hot. we ated the pizza and it b

makers and diet pepsi.
paul if you get a free tick, portland weekend. we can lucky lab it

and i can take you to otto's the sausage place by my house where they make fresh sausage and grill it outside and i can't try it because i'm a vagitarian bitch

sounds like a plan

except replace bad penny with surrender monkey and snoopy's with the target parking lot

JOEY DONT STEAL NAIR AWAY

yo real talk portland is next i think. if i get a hotel downtown will i be able to see you guys easily or should i rent a car?

mayes, i'll always be in nc every two months

ffffffffffffff

helle's bells is another good beer big boss makes. strong though, if i remember correctly. mayes you should go to west 94th street pub in woodcroft with katherine one night. it has big boss stuff on tap and it's a nice little chill neighborhood bar in the one part of durham where you won't get shot

we're across the river from downtown, public transportation is good but anytime you have to cross the river it fucks everything up. we have a guestroom paul

goddamn finally a hot mariners 5950 and they don't have my size

dream trip is portland, then down to la to meet anthony and daniel, on to lawrence to meet burton, down to dallas to see brian. although even better we should have an annual omgtru meetup somewhere bizarre equidistant to all of our homes.

sometimes i wish i could wear a hat without looking like a fanny

lol yeah that mariners lid is heatrocks

pretty sure we would all just creep each other out paul

i look like a crappy fratboy in a hat or a mongo-ish misogynist. when i was 12-14 though i was inseparable from my blue on white duke cap. it hurts me that i've forgotten how to properly rock a hat. also, hats are bizarre to begin with. or maybe that's just a drunk thought.

i dunno joey we had fun. remember our romantic dinner with randy?

you're thinking of cats

I'm drinking alone too

i don't think Randy liked me

"i'm on my way to god don't know or don't care, my brain's the weak heart and my heart's the long stairs." MODEST MOUSE WHUT WHUT

WWWANNNDY

emz randy loves everyone and katie was really fond of both of you. she told me you guys were really down to earth and seemed like genuinely fun people. which for katie being slightly drunk is a great compliment!

back in like 6th grade-ish i had an awesome miami hurricanes hat for some reason. my boy anthony rocks a mean oakland a's hat (i just got one recently too anthony let's hang out).

for a long time i thought i wore a 7 3/4 but really i wear a 7 7/8. i bought this hat and have been wearing it all the time lately:

but you're not even a blue jays fan

the RANDYMAN *cue cartoon black man in sunglasses in alley; soaring sax solo, midnight purple nyc*

i wish nba jerseys weren't so played out because the old school nuggets jersey and the bullets jersey were EMBERS sonny

quittin time

smell ya later

bye mayes

I liked Katie too. One of the first things I talked to her about was my gross eye infection circa early 2005, so if she still had good things to say about me, she's good people.

Maybe I'm the first Randy hasn't liked? I tried for hours to get him to look me in the eye. No dice

EDITED for capitalization

he's a shy fellow. also remember in nyc (especially for natives like randy) we're constantly avoiding eye contact. it's weird. always puts people on edge when i go back to nc.

lol @ emz putting edited for capitalization.

also lol @ emz for capitalizing

actual interaction i heard on a packed w train into the city a couple months ago:

man standing next to me makes prolonged eye contact with man standing opposite us.

man across from us: "yo what's the problem, chief?"

man next to me: "nothing man."

man across from us: "i ain't gay bro."

man next to me: "neither am i."

man across from us: "keep it movin'."

man next to me: "a'ight then." (turns to face doors)

we're all slowly going crazy here.

i think i am going to go to crescent lounge for a beer. the last time i was there was 9 months ago. it has a mixed contingent but also a large gay following. i am the least homophobic person on the planet but this one guy pushed too hard. we talked for an hour about china and their economy and then he put his hand on my thigh and asked me where i lived. i told him politely that i was flattered but definitely not interested. we kept talking about economics and then he said "so if i told you that you could take me to my apartment and fuck me and be on top you wouldn't do it?" and i said "of course not, dude." and he looked shocked and i said "mate, i told you, i'm straight, come on now." i tried to salvage the conversation but he kept looking at me like a half naked brazilian bodybuilder so i said "you're a nice guy but i'm moving to the other side of the bar now. no offense." then after chatting up a nerdy chick who kept talking about dave eggers i said "fuck this place" in my head and left. butttt... it's a block away and the sat. night bartender always hooks me up so i might check it out. wish me luck.

paul tryin to get lucky

i wenrt to crescent liugne. i amxy git me akk fucked uop. i tried to hit on girl i saw who iu see at subway startion. she was drunnk. talking to snat now.

i am much more sober now that i've had greasy saganaki. so i talked to attractive girl who i see on my train platform every morning. she was fucking boring an drunk cuz it was her birthday. she let the barkeep put her ipod on for her bday and it was all like interpol mixed with ani defranco. wtf. she was really drunk and she has a tattoo of a star right above her right breast. reference my earlier tirade. basically a deal breaker. i be wilin' like capital one: what is in your wallet? BEEEEEEEEEEITCH please

also i had a very nice conversation with two gay fellows. they were from astoria and very polite. gays these d

now i am awake and hungover as a motherfucker. snat man is curled up in bed asleep and jarf's room is empty and sad. i looked at the fish and he was swimming around in his own filth. randy just called me and told me his dog can read at a 3rd grade level. i feel so shitty, it's terrible.

you drinkin again tonite

nah noirba, got work tomorrow

NAIR

brd

that jamaican place is only like 25 minutes away. i'll probably check it out, as long as it has an A in the window.

chance of that place having an A in the window: 15%

lightning

do you think telly savalas was a pleasant guy to be around?

who loves ya babby

according to wikipedia he was a very generous and compassionate man

i just drank a whole can of arnold palmer in like 15 seconds now i feel even worse, mentally and physically

do you think anyone has a dog named rick

seems plausible

i named our first cat after the daughter on mr belvedere

if you look closely, you can see the A.

i bet clint eastwood is having a delicious dinner tonight

i heard he likes breakfast for dinner it's his favorite

well shit who doesn't love breakfast for dinner

back to tattoos for a sec, i got a suggestion for paul