the plan was relatively simple: leave work at 2:30, take the subway to astoria blvd station and catch the fabled M60 city bus to LaGuardia airport to catch a 5:15 pm flight to Washington DC's National Airport. the forecast called for scattered thunderstorms across the east coast. i knew there would be a delay of some sort. i had no idea.

the bus ride worked out well, albeit insanely crowded, i mean like bombay train system crowded: elbows in faces, jostling, incoherent yelling. but i got to LGA by 3:30 and checked in smoothly and cleared security with no problems. the TSA agent checking my ID was a jamaican girl about our age and she was honestly one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.

at 4:45, the scheduled boarding time, the plane had not yet reached the gate but was on the taxiway. by 5pm on the dot we were all quickly put on the 40 seat embraer regional commuter jet, buckled in, door closed and ready for taxi to the runway. we pushed out of the gate about 10 minutes behind schedule.

the girl in front of me was very pretty, long brown hair and those nerdy glasses which on the right woman are incredibly sexy. she was reading murakami's "Kafka On The Shore" and that gave me w00d. seated to my right was American Hot Bitch (henceforth, AHB): a petite blonde of about 30 in business attire. we were taxiing to the runway when suddenly we stopped. commence 30 minutes of sitting in silence. i had no magazine, no ipod, nothing to keep me occupied. i suddenly felt very bored so i struck up a convo with AHB. glasses chick was in front of me reading intently so it felt hard to chat her up.

after 30 minutes the captain came on to tell us that due to thunderstorms entering the departure paths from all 3 nyc airports, there was effectively a ground stop on all southbound flights leaving the city. we were currently number 30 for departure. it would be an hour until the next update from air traffic control as to when we could depart. we were free to use our cell phones and luckily i had a pilfered blackberry with data access so i passed the time chatting with AHB and surfing nahright.com. omgtru was impossible to access with the blackberry's shitty web browser. i also tried to leave jarf a longwinded comment on insigniatic cancer but that too failed. i was getting restless.

after one hour the pilot came on to tell us that the weather had cleared but because of residual delays ATC would be moving us to a remote stretch of tarmac to await further instructions. cue another hour of sitting in the quiet stillness with nothing going on. AHB and I grumbled and honest to god if it wasn't for the blackberry i'd have lost my motherfucking mind. AHB was kind of a boring gal to chat with, you see.

so after another hour, the pilot came on to tell us to expect an update shortly. at this point it is 7:30. my original landing time in DC was 6:45pm. ideally i would be on 21st st nw right now walking to my friend evin's mom's house in extreme humidity on my way to the waterfront to eat steamed crabs. no such luck. as AHB and i lament our misfortune the captain comes on to tell us that we have been cleared for takeoff, but unfortunately the new route ATC gave us around the thunderstorms required more fuel than we were currently holding. back to the gate to refuel. loud groans all around.

at the gate the door was opened and a wiry american airlines attendant announced "folks if you want to get up and stretch and walk into the terminal you may do so now, just have your boarding pass with you." half the people got up. the stewardess then got on the horn to clarify. "he means if you get up you're leaving the flight and you can't come back." everyone sits back down. we wait 30 minutes. AHB and I talk about how taking amtrak or the chinatown bus would have been so much faster, and a lot cheaper.

after 30 minutes, wiry man appears on the horn again. "folks your flight has been canceled. please leave the plane." we all get out and storm our way up to the counter at the gate. there are possibly a billion people milling about. all the screens display flight info for planes to cleveland. i hand my boarding pass to a taciturn asian female AA employee. she hands me a new boarding pass and says "wait here". i do so.

30 more minutes pass and nothing is happening. i check the departures board and there is no mention of a washington flight. an older businessman mentions he is still waiting to board the 4PM flight to DC, and everyone here at the gate is waiting for the cleveland plane. there is no info from anyone about anything. everyone just sort of stands around. at this point it is 8:15. i should be eating crabs. i have no earthly idea when i am going to get to washington, if at all. the weather forecast is continued thunderstorms all evening up and down the coast. i decide to call travelocity (with whom i booked my hotel and flight) and cancel.

here is the call to travelocity:

(person with an incredibly thick indian accent) hello and thank you for calling travelocity.com. my name is steve, how can i help you?

me: i need to cancel my last minute package of hotel and flight because my flight was canceled and i doubt i will reach the hotel tonight.

indian man: of course, sir. however, this is the wrong department. please allow me to transfer you to the correct department.

REPEAT X 10. NO JOKE. APPARENTLY TRAVELOCITY IS HOUSED IN A BYZANTINE LABYRINTH IN INDIA THAT CONTAINS ONE BILLION DEPARTMENTS AND GUESS WHAT? EACH TIME I GOT THE WRONG ONE.

the last straw was me politely and exasperatedly telling the same indian man from the beginning (who i'd just been transferred back to) that none of this made any sense and could i please speak to a supervisor. he politely transferred me to A FUCKING RECORDING OF A WOMAN SAYING TO CALL BACK TOMORROW AT 9AM.

i loudly said Fuck a bunch and an old black guy that looked like stanley from the office arched his eyebrows at me.

so i approach the counter and tell the woman i'm canceling the flight. she says "sir, we will be announcing the washington flight shortly." i got kind of pissy and said "really? because no one here says anything of the sort and none of the boards even have DC as a listed departure and i've already lost my whole evening there. a little communication is all i ask for." at which point the woman looks at me as if i told her i'd like to cut her lady parts out. so i slam my boarding pass on the counter and walk off.

at this point AHB approaches me and asks me if i want to split a rental car and drive down. pro: possible handjob on the new jersey turnpike, hot 97 blaring. con: another 200 bucks and still not reaching dc until 1am.

so i left the airport and called jarf.

jarf told me about carlos' birthday party in the city and i was thinking ok this night could be salvageable. all i'm going to do is go home, drop my bag off and write a brief email to travelocity explaining the situation and asking for a refund or credit towards a new purchase. but wouldn't you know it? travelocity only lets you email their customer service through a shitty browser-based form and it only allows 1,000 CHARACTERS INCLUDING SPACES. which is about enough space to say "my plans didn't work out, may i have a refund?" which is enough of a minimal request for them to reply with "NO." FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK.

so now i might be out 300 bucks, i'm in astoria, i could be in dc, i'm missing nats vs. o's tomorrow with decent seats, no crab, no pharmacy bar and possibly getting some jimjammer from an easy girl i know down there, no nothing, just crappy whole wheat papa johns and luckily the scotch my cousin brought me duty free from dubai. the one silver lining to an other wise cat-sized storm cloud raining shit above my head all day. i am going to get fucking hammered and pass out with all the lights on. good day to you fine gentlemen.

i will leave you with this:

india has one billion people and they poop in holes in the ground instead of a commode. yet they can fly you from bombay to goa in monsoon season at the peak hour on a friday afternoon with no delay, and they feed you on a 70 minute flight. we have enough technology to reanimate dinosaur vaginas (trust me, the govt is doing this) but we can't fly a crappy little 40 seat plane between two of the busiest airports in the country. air travel fucking blows here.

allow me to chime in here with my nightmarish air travel story from about 6 weeks ago. i didn't share it at the time because i was still too traumatized, and the police still hadn't finished the rape kit on me which would've confirmed through DNA evidence that i was indeed fucked in the ass by delta...

so i was up in nyc for business doing one of my infrequent check-ins back at the corporate office. flight up there went okay, but the flight back was a similar situation where i was on a small 40-50 seat airplane bound for dfw. no storms forecasted, no delay at jfk...fly out at 715pm, land around 10pm...piece of cake, right? i don't think so.

as we were approaching dfw airport, the captain came on and said that some unexpected storms had formed around dallas and that we'd have to hang on for a little while before getting cleared for landing. we hung on for about 30 minutes, and i'm desperate to take a leak, but think it'll only be a minor delay until i'm on the ground and can relieve myself in an airport bathroom...maybe tap my feet while i'm in the john, just to see if i can get on CNN...

i haven't read this story yet but paul i probably would have made that into just one post

but that's when things started to get all benny hill on me. just as i think we're about to land, our captain comes on again and says, "well, these storms aren't clearing out, and we don't have enough fuel to stay in a holding pattern, so we're just gonna take a quick trip and set you down in Austin, refuel, and head back to Dallas. Apologize for the delay here folks, we'll have you home as soon as possible."

So after a collective mumbled "fuck" from the passengers, we are on our way. About an hour goes by, which seems longer than it would take to land in Austin, but we finally start our descent and i can see the airport approaching, and we land, thankfully.

Then it got weird. The flight attendant came on the speaker and said "please keep your seatbelts on, you can use your cellphones, welcome to *houston hobby* airport."

???

so i'm like wtf we're in houston now. that's weird. oh well i'm sure we'll refuel and be on our way. then while sitting on the tarmac (it's about 1230a by now), the captain comes on and says the austin airport was too busy and we didn't have enough fuel to land so we had to land in houston. No worries though, we'll be refueled and on our way soon.

an hour goes by, still held captive, then the captain comes on again and politely explains that all of the delta terminals at houston hobby airport are CLOSED for the night, so they are calling the houston delta ops guy at home so he can come out and get fuel for us. No word on when that might happen. Uh oh.

sure enough, another hour goes by, and still no delta people or fuel. so i guess the captain improvised a little, and came on again saying "well, we can't seem to get anyone at delta to come out, so we're going to taxi over to a private jet company's terminal called 'million air' because they're going to be nice enough to lend us some fuel."

we do this, and a 'million air' fuel truck comes out, gets the hoses connected to our plane (i'm watching out my window while this is happening) and then...sits there. nothing. no fuel pumping.

20 more minutes we wait, and then our captain comes on again explaining "well, turns out 'million air' isn't an FAA approved fuel vendor for delta, so just sit tight while we fill out some paperwork and get it signed by an FAA agent so we can get on out of here. it is creeping on 3am by now easily. Still on the tarmac, still on the plane.

so i'm thinking "who knows how long regulatory paperwork is gonna take, good lord, i just want to get out of this shitty tiny commuter plane, i don't care where we are. why the fuck is a little commuter plane making a nyc to dallas flight anyway?" then i'm interrupted to hear the most anger-inducing announcement from our captain yet.

"well folks, i'm really sorry about this, but i'm now over my legally allowed flight hours, so even if we can get fuel, i'm not allowed by law to fly you up to dallas. we're going to find a gate as soon as possible so we can let you off and then you'll be helped onto another flight in the terminal."

sure enough it takes a while to get a gate, and when we finally do, we stumble out into a completely empty terminal at 330am. i mean nobody is there at all. nobody from delta, nobody telling us what the fuck is going on, nothing. just "well here you are in a different city than your destination. see ya later!"

finally some baggage dude comes out and tells us to go to the delta ticket counter. we all make the weary pilgrimage to find there are no delta agents, and the ticket counter doesn't open for an hour and a half. keep in mind this was on a Wed or something, i had work the next day, as did everyone else.

by the time the delta folks show up for what i'm sure they thought would be another routine day at work, they're greeted by an angry crowd of people wondering just what in fuck's sake is going on with all this bullshit. their response "i'm sorry, hobby airport doesn't have any regular delta flights to dallas. we can give you a 1 night's hotel voucher"

so that's good. i have enough time to go to a shitty airport marriott and take a shower before i have to figure out how to get home. thankfully someone in delta must have realized what a shitshow it was, so they decided to create a flight out of hobby just for us, on the same plane, back to dallas at 2pm the next day. meanwhile myself and everyone else were just asking "can you put me on with another airline, can you give me a rental car voucher so i can drive to dallas, can you please throw me a friggin bone of some sort?!?"

answer to all of those questions: No.

well long story short, i had to use a personal day cause i was fucked for work that day, and i ended up getting an hour rest at the shitty airport marriot before i had to go back to hobby and get the 2pm flight. of the 40-50 people originally on the flight, only about 10 were on the rescheduled trip that afternoon. everyone else simply said "eff it" and pursued other options i guess.

but you know what the kicker of all of this was? luckily i didn't check bags, because when they dropped us off at 4am-ish at the airport, i guess they didn't have delta baggage handlers, so whoever unloaded the luggage bay simply left everyone's bags on the tarmac...uncovered...in the rain...until the delta folks showed up. some of my fellow travelling prisoners were towing along bags that were literally dripping on the floor wet. soaked entirely through.

so i guess what i'm saying is, "paul, i feel ya".

(wasn't trying to one up you, btw. your story just triggered a flashback to my own harrowing experience, and i only now have made piece with it enough to share openly).

lol wow though that was far worse than my experience. all things considered when i realized it was time to give up i was a 10 minute cab ride from my apartment and sweet sweet scotch. and now i'm pretty drunk so it's all good. but in an update to travelocity's shitty customer service, i sent them an email at 8:45pm and they sent an automated response saying someone would contact me in the next four hours. they got about 10 minutes. more fuel to the fire for the refund.

also mayes sorry i didn't respond to your text but i was fuming at the time. plus i told you already i was going to dc you pothead give me claudine's number

also oddly enough whenever i've had cross country flights (with the exception of a six hour ordeal on a parked plane on the way to LA--but this was the morning after a record snowfall in nc) i've had amazing luck... last time i went to dallas i flew on a packed flight from philly but somehow got the only empty row on the flight so i could stretch out and sleep some. last flight to california for some reason at DFW they upgraded me to first class completely out of the blue. so i guess it all balances out in a way. still missing those crabs though.

i would've killed a nun for a bottle of scotch and my own bed on that night.

i've never been upgraded to first class out of the blue. i've heard of such things happening, but i think they are urban legends.

oh and the real insult to injury... what's up with the 15 dollar per bag check thing on some of the big airlines now? i'm trying to think of a good analogy. it's like charging people going bowling extra for not bringing their own balls. hmm not such a great analogy but you know what i'm saying.

i don't understand how you can complain about that, paul. living in nyc is like having an omnipresent 15 dollar bag check fee on anything you try to do anywhere at any time. and you choose to complain specifically about the 15 dollar fee from airlines?!? ever try to get a sandwich in tribeca?

or a free refill on your soda, for that matter?

well sure, things are overpriced here. but it's the absurdity of charging extra for the *first* bag you check. i mean what the fuck, it's air travel, you're probably going to bring a suitcase. now i've seen families that bring 10 suitcases for 3 people flying--sure, charge them. but if you're going to have the audacity to charge me extra for something that inherently goes along with taking a trip somewhere, i'd rather you just hike up the fares so i don't notice.

update: i checked aa.com and the mysterious next flight to dc finally left at 9:39, arriving in dc at 10:34. so conceivably i would have gotten to my hotel by 11pm, walk or cab to meet people at the bar by 11:45 = 2.25 hours of drinking time on an empty stomach and tired as all hell. this is not factoring the smart decision which would be to grab a jumbo slice or amsterdam falafel on 18th st before drinking, which very well could result in frat boys trying to start some shit or hoodrats trying to knock me out while yelling young jeezy lyrics. why did i want to go to washington dc again?

pretty much would have felt the same as i do now, sitting in my room in the dark listening to busta rhymes having killed 3/4 of a bottle of scotch

btw, i'd rethink your prior claims about airlines in india

yeah but shit goes on here too

actually my dad is a private pilot and has told me crazy stories about vfr flight in nc. vfr is visual flight below a certain altitude in clear conditions and basically you're not in contact with air traffic control and you just look out for other planes in the sky. now if you think about the cubic miles of sky it's kind of hard for planes to intersect each other, especially with the flight rules that abound but one time my dad was flying out of rdu and some knucklewalker in a private jet crossed in front of him 4000 feet ahead. which in terms of flying 130 knots means about 10 seconds between you going to the beach with your husky half indian son or being a brownish pancake in a corn field south of sanford. totally unacceptable.

this is the latest near collision in nyc. 747, the big boy, heading into jfk. veteran atc controller: "the closest he has ever seen two planes get together." truly scary shit. remember that aa flight to the dominican republic that crashed in rockaway right after 9/11? that was a simple case of wake turbulence from a korean air heavy that left and they let the aa flight roll too quickly. SCARY. chinatown bus from now on.

My flight-- noon departure-- is already delayed 30 minutes. It's 9:30 AM.

This is gonna be a long day.

thus my policy of never going anywhere/doing anything

get off my plane

GIME BACK MY SON

well it took about three hours on the phone and about 10,000 repeated explanations with travelocity and american airlines to sort it all out but i got my money back, less 68 bucks because of the hotel cancellation. so now time to book another trip. anyone been to east st. louis, illinois? it looks like a nice p

i hear vegas is nice around labor day

labour

i recommend brockway, ogdenville, or north haverbrook.

unadilla, georgia

jumanji