Ok so I missed a couple weeks. I'm sorry. I could make a bunch of excuses about work being crazy or childbirth classes or whatever, but I'm not going to do that. Do you realize I haven't even watched a baseball game since opening day? Do you know how much a car seat costs these days?

Anyway in the past few weeks the standings have tightened up considerably. First and Fourth place are separated only by 1.5 games.

STANDINGS




WEEK 3 RESULTS

@A-ROD-MAXIMUS-PRIME (Johnny) vs. omgdrujones (Brian)


When the Rangers' offense produces, omgdrujones is gonna have a good week. And when you sweep the offensive categories you can afford to have really shitty pitching.

Players of the week
Cliff Lee (@A-ROD): 0.00 ERA, 9 Ks, 1.00 WHIP
Raul Ibanez (omgdrujones): 4 HRs, 1 SB, .481 BA, 1.539 OPS


Beej (Emily) vs. The Bonifacios (Anthony)


Another tough week for Team Beej. Even with a ton of injuries, they manage to put up some very good numbers, only to get edged out by The Bonifacios in 3 categories while tying two others. This could have easily been a very different series. The Beejers definitely need a few winning weeks right now.

Players of the week
Jered Weaver (Beej): 11 Ks, 2.40 ERA, 0.93 WHIP
David Wright (Beej): 5 SBs, .556 BA, 1.366 OPS


Voltcoder (Daniel) vs. polydactyl playaz (Frisky)


Let's just say these teams were lucky to be playing each other this week.

Players of the week
Jonathan Papelbon (playaz): 2 SVs, 0.00 ERA, 1.33 WHIP
Prince Fielder (Voltcoder): 4 HRs, .333 BA, 1.429 OPS


HGH Pinafore (MAYES) vs. Lawrence Sparklebats (Burton)


It seems like virtually every team had huge pitching meltdowns this week. MAYES is no exception, with a 67.50 ERA from Brandon Morrow and a 14.40 from Gavin Floyd. The Sparklebats put up excellent pitching numbers this week, and that's with a 13.50 ERA from Chris Young. If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that Edwin Jackson is the greatest pitcher of our generation.

Players of the week
Trevor Hoffman (HGH): 4 SVs, 0.00 ERA, 0.00 WHIP
Adrian Gonzalez (HGH): 5 HRs, .292 BA, 1.310 OPS


CC 2 & A Halfbathias (Joey) vs. Johan Santanadanna (Jerff)


This epic matchup went back and forth all week, until The CCs finally asserted themselves on Sunday. On a personal note, I would just like to give a quick "fuck you" to Garret Fucking Atkins for fucking sucking all fucking year. wtf, dude? Are you seriously going to make me pick up Russell Branyan?

Players of the week
Roy Halladay (Santanadanna): 13 Ks, 1.13 ERA, 0.75 WHIP
Nate McClouth (Halfbathias): 2 HRs, 2 SBs, .304 BA, .993 OPS



DIAMOND NOTES



Laddies and Gentlewomen:

This week's edition of Diamond Notes is brought to you by drunj. Let's make drunj today!

Regarding this week's embarrassing showing by P. Blart: Marmol Cop, executives in the Blart camp are mulling a name gender skin change to rally their troops. Insiders are talking black, but don't rule out half Indian. It's open season.

Jopy sucks.

Anthony, in a bold move, decided this week to bench his squad. He said, "They know what they did. This is bith warranted and neccessary after what I've seen. NO MAN SHOULD SEE THAT. STOP IT HE'S ALREADY DEAD. HE'S ALREADY D

Did you know? Having two women in a fantasy baseball league in South Carolina Alabama counts as prostitution. It's pretty cool.



Trade rumor: Manny Ramirez is dead to us all. For forty more games.

Emz has been quoted as saying she is tired of the Lawrence Sparklebats. Fight brewing? It's illegal to hit a woman with glasses, a Paul Nair T-shirt and a baby in her stomach, so the 'Bats better be careful how they go about this.

MAYES hatn. He was quoted as saying, ":((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((("

Daniel is in this league.

Jopy sucks.

The Blarts are quitting the league to hunt down Joh n Danks and cut his bloated face off. SEE YA NEXT YEAR.



Tune in next week for an interview with the manager of the the Blarts, Charles Brown, esq. Goodnight, assholes! Back to you, Jopy Clambaker!



WEEK 4 PREVIEW
Voltcoder (21-24-3) vs. The Bonifacios (27-17-4)
GAME OF THE WEEK! TWIN BATTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CC 2 & A Halfbathias (29-17-2) vs. HGH Pinafore (20-22-6)
Plz nobody remind MAYES to update his roster.

@A-ROD-MAXIMUS-PRIME (16-31-1) vs. Johan Santanadanna (18-27-3)
Or as I like to call it, The Clash of the Two Teams With Really Annoying Names to Type Who Also Have Awful Records

Beej (14-28-6) vs. omgdrujones (27-18-3)
Seriously, the Rangers really can't keep playing like this.

Lawrence Sparklebats (23-22-3) vs. polydactyl playaz (28-17-3)
Something about this game too.


THIS WEEK IN OMGTRULTIMATE
A Jake Peavy completely game puts Emz squarely in the lead:

1 CG - Jake Peavy (Emily)


THIS WEEK ON LAW & ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT


I'm a couple episodes behind, but I just can't say enough good things about Jeff Goldblum on this show. And Vincent D'onofrio has literally given up on acting. He just lurches around the scene and mumbles his lines. WHY ARE YOU NOT WATCHING THIS SHOW?


MANAGER SPOTLIGHT: PAUL NAIR


This week I spoke with Paul, who is not participating in this league.

joey: paul can i interview you
paul: sure
joey: what makes you tick
paul: balls
paul: we done?
joey: no i have a long list of questions
paul: shoot kid
joey: this is for the omgtru fantasy baseball recap
paul: oh makes sense you'd come to me then
joey: paul what's up with david ortiz?
joey: is big papi done?
paul: the way i see it, he's gotta work out all that stuff with his ex wife. and those rumors about him and madonna? and that book where they call him bitch tits? make no mistake about it, a-rod is dONE
paul: joey when did you last have an ice cream sandwich
paul: now I'M doin the interview
joey: paul i've been eating so much ice cream
joey: i had to force myself to stop
joey: no more
paul: i'm trying to do the same thing
joey: did you know they make ice cream with girl scout cookies in it
paul: but with alcohol instead of ice cream
joey: i ate a bunch of samoas ice cream it was real good
paul: i like thin mints
paul: samosa ice cream sounds grody
paul: and i'm half indian
joey: no paul samoas
paul: oh them funny crackers the girls in green sell
joey: paul would you try bobby flay's new line of grilled ice cream
paul: i don't mind bobby flay, he reminds me of smug pricks i've known
paul: so yes
joey: he combines grilled meats and ice cream in unexpected but delightful ways
paul: i liked to dip my fries in milkshake when i was a kid
paul: until my dad smacked me in front of the entire mcdonalds
joey: lol
paul: this has nothing to do with baseball
paul: ask me about jarf's performance
joey: paul he's doing so poorly i don't really want to bring it up
paul: ; D
joey: when i was kid the wendy's by my house had a buffet with all kinds of stuff
joey: you could get spaghetti and there was a nacho bar
joey: and a bunch of desserts
paul: i can honestly say i've never seen a wendys with a buffet
joey: it seemed normal to me at the time
paul: we had a pretty good nacho bar in our university cafeteria
paul: i bet you were teased mercilessly when you left home and there were no buffets in wendys
joey: yeah college was rough
paul: sometimes the nacho bar had potato skins
paul: you can make your own loaded potato skins
joey: oh man
paul: its like they were publicly acknowledging that i smoked mad weed

do emily & i both have peavs?

manbreasts knows a good thing when he sees it.

emily has peavy in omtrultimate (Dongs)

john lackey was clearly the beej player of the week

omgtru player of the week: paul for revealing that wendy's used to have buffets

that seriously changes my whole outlook on life

I'm seriously giving up.

don't give up.

Going to new Yankee Stadium today. I'll let you duders know if anyone does anything laden with history.

plz report back on whether or not the stadium is a monument to something

It's a monument to how Yankee fans love Alex Rodriguez more than ever. Not even kidding. Watch out for this Mayberry kid for the Phils. 6 total bases on two hits and 3 RBIs off of Pettite. The stadium is a wind tunnel, for real. No exaggeration there. A-Rod's 9th inning homer is a pop-out anywhere else.

My seats were 17 rows from home plate, just a bit right of center. It was awesome. I got drunj off of snuck-in whiskey. Good times.

Mayberry is a former first round pick for the Rangers. If history has been any lesson, he's all but assured to become a badass now that he's on a different team.

oh, and btw...big fan of snuck-in whiskey. great times indeed.

i don't think i like baseball anymore. real or fantastical.

miguel tejada quote of the day: "Good things have good benches, and that's what happens."

i like that

frank francisco has pneumonia. that's what happens when you don't bundle up in texas in july.

he's the best player on the pirates now

how much does it cost to register HyperCam 2?