The Squirrel

After working a double and coming home to an angry (and vibe-killing) Snat Man, I encountered the strangest occurrence.
I decided to go to bed kind of early, angry roommate and all, and I settled in for a long summer's nap. Around the time I started drifting off, I heard a noise I assumed was coming from Snat's room. He was quite angry when he went to bed, so it was not unreasonable to think he was smashing shit around his room. He will do that from time to time. So I knocked on his door to see if he was alright and to tell him to knock it off, of sorts. I got no answer.
I laid back down and began to drift off again. As I boarded the boat for dreamland, the same stirring awoke me-- loud noises from where Snat lived. I was a little more pissed this time, so I knocked a bit harder on his door with the intention of being mad. Again, no answer. The noise stopped.
I laid back down, but this time I couldn't sleep. I tried to relax, but I was in a huff. I decided to use a sleep aid, and I streamed some choice movies to, um, help me sleep. While nearing the apex of my sleep-relax method, the noise returned. Being fully cognizant this time, however, I realized the sound was, in fact, not Snat at all. The sound was in my room. I rose from my supine position to see a squirrel standing on it's hind legs looking at me (or maybe the computer? Not really clear). Needless to say, I was petrified.


(Credit Paul with this picture)
I rose slowly from the bed as the squirrel left my radiator to continue whatever the hell he was doing. In my frightened state, I knocked over a stack of CDs at the foot of my bed. The squirrel responded in kind-- running into a stack of CDs himself. They toppled. This was not what I wanted. I rushed to my clothes and closed the squirrel in my room. I grabbed a blanket and a broom. I was armed and ready.
I walked into my room and the squirrel was hanging around the radiator area again. I thought it would be pretty easy to catch under the blanket and if it got away, I could shoo it out toward the exit with my broom. Simple theory. When he came out to see what was up I threw the blanket over him. And so it began. He thrashed about and escaped toward the radiator again and disappeared completely. DAMN.
Thinking it would be easier if one person shooed the damn squirrel with a broom while I entrapped, I tried, in vain, to wake up Snat again. No dice. Then I tried Paul.

*knocks
Paul: What's up?
Jeff: Emergency dude, there's a squirrel in my room
Paul: Really? That sucks
Jeff: I need some help getting it out
Paul: I don't know what to tell you, man. I'm too tired to help you. Use a broom or something and get him out.
Jeff: I did that, I need help, it seems pretty angry
(another crash in my room)
Paul: Yeah, man. I don't know.
*Closes door

Thanks, Paul.
FORSAKE
i'm having a hard time identifying with this story since all of my experiences with squirrels have been really positive.
So, I try again, same result-- the little bastard keeps disappearing into something. I check everything.

Then I decide to call animal control. I try 411 for the number. They hang up on me. Then I try 311. They give me over to 911. All I asked for was animal control. FUCK BALLS I JUST WANT TO SLEEP. It's nearing 2 AM at this point. I'm falling apart.

911 Operator: What's the emergency.
311 Operator: I've got a (indecipherable code) from a gentleman whose number is (917)*redacted*
911 Operator: Are you there sir?
Me: Yes.
911 Operator: What's the animal, sir?
Me: A squirrel.
911 Operator: Is it rabid?
Me: I hope not, but I have no idea.
911 Operator: Is it frightened or angry?
Me: Yeah. Pretty much.
911 Operator: Have you tried to captured the animal?
Me: A couple of times, yeah.
911 Operator: I'll send someone along.
Me: Yeah, OK. Is it animal control?
911 Operator: No sir it is the police.
Me: Oh.
911 Operator: Sir, animal control won't be available for awhile.
Me: Oh, OK.
911 Operator: Sir, someone will be along shortly.
Me: Yes. Thank you very much.
ok wait to be fair i was still half asleep when jarf knocked on my door, it's not like i was watching a rerun of designing women and just didn't feel like helping
When the cops come, I realize that Snat smokes a lot of weed. This scares me and I look around for paraphernalia. Holy shit. The cops come in and are scared shitless. Way more scared than I am. They make references to calling someone else in (someone else?! FUCK) and creep around like there is a killer in my room. They pull out no billy clubs, make no attempt to catch the animal, but discover a hole it has been using to get in and out of the room near the radiator. Without checking for the squirrel, they suggest I clog the hole and then are out of there quicker than they can say "If you can see it again, call us." Right, fellas, I'll call right back. The bravery is what sends me back.

I stack some heavy shit on the hole and proceed to not sleep all night-- afraid that the squirrel would be back somehow.
And so, I am sitting at work exhausted while I scheme on what the squirrel might be doing now.

paulatsonic: what if its ransacking the apartment as we speak
me: snat man lwouldn't even notice
paulatsonic: it might be smashing plates and stuff
me: smoking snat's trees
paulatsonic: watching tv
me: high as a fuck
paulatsonic: listening to ghostface
me: full volume while eating a bit of corned beef
Also, is this the same squirrel that speaks to Paul while he sleeps? Was he just searching for Paul? Paul, go to him. END THIS.
jarf gets all the squirrels
But look at how cute baby squirrels are



she's right.
damn, that's cute.
Grab ya nuts and follow me.
i hate the internet
Squirrel update: seen in Snat's room as of yesterday. Not cute.
related (to what MAYES said)
Damn, Jerff, u snitchin on both Snat AND the squirrel.

STOP SNITCHIN

P.S. Curtis?
YO. Squirrel caught. GONE.

Paul crying.

sign in to post