paul at sonic: garfield would have fucked nermal if it was a female
paul at sonic: he soiled arlene
paul at sonic: he takes what is rightfully his
rbx6jm: no way du
paul at sonic: FUCK
paul at sonic: i have no idea why i just typed that

rbx6jm: sounds like an indy band
rbx6jm: the phil jackson scenario
paul at sonic: the phil jackson scenario
paul at sonic: rick fox on theramin
rbx6jm: indie*
rbx6jm: excuse
rbx6jm: me
paul at sonic: shaq on thera flu
rbx6jm: shaq flu
rbx6jm: good game
paul at sonic: haha

Paul: makes you feel like you just smoked a "jumbo"
care for a taco
me: YAYAYAYAYAYAYA
u holdin?
Paul: depends
who u wit
me: lonebot
Paul: nah
nah b
me: gimme gimme taco treatment
Paul: i can't help you
WE REPRESNET THE MAYES GANG
me: YYYYYYYYY?
Paul: put your hands together for TACO
me: I willn't
Paul: Chingy's new hit single "Pullin' ME Back" feat. Tyrese
can we have tacos for dinner
me: ni
Paul: why not
me: out of cornpaste
Paul: i would like tacos for dinner
me: nigh
Paul: we could order from los portales or la espiga or el mariachi or st. james or fresco tortilla or to
me: nrep
me: I'm cooking vaginal paste with stilted snail blood
you'll love it
Paul: doubt it
i'd rather have a taco

me: YOU MAD
ROG GOTCJA
Paul: ALERT: my new rap name is "Raj Gotcha"
i rap about word puzzles
and prawns biryani
(its an indian dish)
me: Ima get up in some women tonight like Barry Sanders
CUT AND RUN
Paul: you should do more like barry reese
me: NO
more like Barry Switzer
Ima COACH the pussy
Paul: you should fuk dem bitchez like judge lance ito
BRUNGIN IT VAK
me: Ima blaze like Marcia Clark at the post trial interviews
Paul: NY1 REPORTER JUSS BLAZE ON THE SCENE WITH DA CAL ON HIM
me: NY1 REPORTER CAMRAN OFF THE SCENE OOOOOOHHHHHH DAG
Paul: u mad doge
NY1 REPORTER DOUG E FRESH CAUGHT WITH HIS PANTS DOWN
me: NY1'S OWN 50 CENT IS ON THE SCENES WITH VOCAL AND RnB COACH PAUL NAIR
Paul: jeff i just had a vision
tonight, you are going to meet and have sex with a girl from france. she will be very attractive. but she will smell terrible
true story
me: i'm down
Paul: don't ask me how i know
i just had a vision
me: nice
Paul: wanna come to a pretty kickin party with free booze and djs/
?
me: yes
Paul: it's in my imagination and it starts whenever
me: PHUCK
Paul: but i think i'll head over around 10
me: yeah yeah
im in


weird thing is... I hooked up with a polish girl that night
thumbs


WOAH

tonysquares: lol that little long haired kid was crying

paul at sonic: you ever have that dream where you walk through the red door and its a giant room with hundreds of women squatting and shitting on newspapers and "i think we're alone now" by tiffany is blaring
rbx6jm: that's not a dream that's the viper room on 44th and 7th

darryl: yeah strip club
me: huh?
darryl: beards show
me: indeed
me: wait, what?

paul at sonic: incredible oceans of rich country bread
rbx6jm: ya
rbx6jm: delicious warm buttery waves
paul at sonic: going on safari in forests of rich country bread and blowing holes into them with my elephant gun
rbx6jm: gravy bullets
paul at sonic: cities of rich country bread, skyscrapers stretch I'm losing my goddamn mind back here

me: taco?
Need one?
I'm starting a taco drive for veterans
kathleenkelley: jesus please
i need a taco
me: Oh, wait...
too many veterans
THEY'RE SO OLD AND HUNGRY
kathleenkelley: i am so old jeff
so old and hungry
me: huh?
wait
are you trying to say you are a veteran?
I'll mail you a taco then



me: It will be 4-6 weeks on that taco
3:51 PM kathleenkelley: fuck
me: Sign here please _________________________
kathleenkelley: KKKKKKKKKKKK
me: sorry
no racists allowed
or aloud

paul at sonic: got any spare socks
paul at sonic: the ones i got suck
paul at sonic: all my good ones are in the laundrette
rbx6jm: only wearing 3 pairs today
paul at sonic: gime some socks
rbx6jm: can't spare a square
paul at sonic: guess i'll buy some socks at lunch
rbx6jm: soxx, inc. on 398th
paul at sonic: can't say i really condone such a thing
paul at sonic: lunch is for eating not buying socks
paul at sonic: i could get a good pair of socks
paul at sonic: if i go down to 17th st to the banana republic
paul at sonic: although i could also buy some cheap socks in bulk at burlington coat factory on sixth ave
paul at sonic: does h&m have socks?
paul at sonic: this is what my life has become
rbx6jm: SOXXXXXXX

me: Urkel died last night
Paul: damn homey its like 60 degrees outside
me: I know
Paul: motherfucker man
me: sad about Urkel
tho
Paul: wtf u talking about
me: jaleel white
deader than shit
Paul: no he isn't
me: yeah huh
check out smurfballs.vomit
it's all there
dead
Paul: checkout LICKMYBALLS.PLEASE/DOIT
me: oh, I've seen it, bruh
Paul: my boss is friends with jaleel white
thumbs
me: I like rickmybails.jap/aids
Paul: if he really died it would be a sad day in the office

me: wheres my new issue of Teen Pole magazine
Jeff: PAUL

me: i never met this kid but they tell me he died in a traffic accident so i sent a card to his house that read sorry about your loss your kid seemed real nice and i got a card back that read thanks for your concern but our son is alive he has red hair and seems to know you from school the johnsons
miami
Paul: lyre that was the plot of that terrible eddie murphy movie "the adventures of pluto nash"
ok serious subject here
this is what eddie murphy needs: eddie murphy needs to be cast in a serious yet darkly funny movie that lets him do really subtle dramatic acting. a la bill murray's revitalization in rushmore
thats what eddie murphy needs
i told my coworker that just now and he said "didn't you see norbit"
me: Geez
that guy is crazy
Paul: DONT U AGREE THO
i wanna see eddie mature i don't wanna see him in fatsuits playing old black women pooting
me: why not
he has a great fart sound
you gotta admit it
you gotta BELIEVE
Paul: I BEE REEVE I CAN FRY

thats racist

paul: you haven't lived until you've fucked a box of candy joey
joey: WHO IS THIS GUY, WILLY WONKA?

also racist

me: i got a neat pair of these sweatpants with "JUICY" written on the ass
me: i was thinking tonight you and carlos could sit on the living room floor while i model them for you
Jeff: oooooooh can't make
Jeff: I have to eat scabs at eight thirty

jnwalrus: PAUL GET READY FOR THE BEST 6 MONTHS OF YOUR LIFE
jnwalrus: YOUR DRUNK DAD CAN'T FUCK THIS ONE UP

rbx6jm: [our boss] just said tommy lasorda softly as he walked by

paul at sonic: i can hear the announcers making small talk during the ga tech unlv intros
rbx6jm: HOW ABOUT THOSE PEEPEES AND WEEWEES DAN
paul at sonic: cbs' len elmore on the sidelines with coach slowly emerging turd
rbx6jm: FINAL BORE

Can someone get me one of those jobs where you get to IM your friends all day? My work days are marked by constant deadline pressure and the steady drumbeat of self-doubt. Can't your boss see what you're doing over the low cubicle wall? I'm not being critical, I just honestly don't understand how you guys make this work.

well, i work in a stuffy little room at the end of a hallway by myself. no one sees what i do. NO ONE. YOU GOT THAT?

mayes works out in the open but at our office no one really gives a fuck about anything.

i usually talk to jerff while he's at home.

joey i can't speak for but generally i can im him when he's at work and it seems safe.

the moral of the story? IMM

I work at night, and I don't IM then. So fuck you P-Nast. Racist.

everyone at my job is on aim constantly, usually for legitimate job purposes (but not me)

joeyatsnap: http://shop.mlb.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2626719
tonysquares: oh shit glare reducers

paul at sonic: hey whats the name of that place in dallas where they give you all that dope food and you sit with strangers
joeyatsnap: prison
paul at sonic: no its run by old ass white people
joeyatsnap: paul i think you're talking about prison

tonysquares: i don't have any ideas yet
tonysquares: but i like the idea
joeyatsnap: DO IT

paul at sonic: audrey heartburn
rbx6jm: painfully expensive for gboro
paul at sonic: fuck it
rbx6jm: urethra franklin

rbx6jm: do you get floaters nair
paul at sonic: mayes i'm not sure i want to answer this question

ghostroberto: what did she look like
tedwilliamshead: eh
ghostroberto: so did u hit it
tedwilliamshead: yeah bro

GIT GIT GIT OUT GIT

paul at sonic: whats worse, kissing a dog or a cat on the mouth
paul at sonic: my life really is terrible
rbx6jm: D:

Paul: maybe it was serena williams
did she have thighs strong and true
me: Uh, they were cast iron
I have no idea what I am saying
Paul: jeff you fucked a parking meter
me: PLEASE KILL ME

whoopi: :o
ted danson: ?

Me: A KNEE GROWS IN BROOKLYN
Whoopi: RAZCIST

paul at sonic: i wonder what ever happened to nada surf
rbx6jm: not POPULAR anymore
rbx6jm: if you catch my drift
paul at sonic: i'm afraid i do

paul at sonic (4:17:45 PM): hey there mayes
paul at sonic (4:47:02 PM): ayo mayes
paul at sonic (4:47:18 PM): oh you must be at the doctor
paul at sonic (4:47:22 PM): i get it now
paul at sonic (4:47:28 PM): but what if you're not
paul at sonic (4:47:37 PM): what if you're just ignoring me
paul at sonic (4:47:48 PM): how could you do this to a person?
paul at sonic (4:47:58 PM): jerff would never do this to me
paul at sonic (4:48:06 PM): he's cooking me a burger right now
paul at sonic (4:48:09 PM): i'm gonna eat it
paul at sonic (4:48:15 PM): gonna eat it all
paul at sonic (4:48:26 PM): you better believe i'm gonna eat that burger
paul at sonic (4:48:35 PM): gonna eat it and i'm gonna like it
paul at sonic (4:48:54 PM): cats can't appreciate a good hamburger
paul at sonic (5:03:42 PM): holy shit this burger is like a dream sandwich
paul at sonic (5:04:04 PM): you really don't know what you're missing here mayes
paul at sonic (5:04:06 PM): hey mayes
paul at sonic (5:05:44 PM): its really a deceptive burger
paul at sonic (5:06:05 PM): small in stature but a mouthful of flavor
paul at sonic (5:06:35 PM): i think he toasted the bun just right. crisp but still gives way with each bite
paul at sonic (5:07:17 PM): this sort of burger you don't even need fries with
paul at sonic (5:07:32 PM): fries are really an after thought
paul at sonic (5:08:10 PM): let me tell you something here mayes
paul at sonic (5:08:22 PM): its juicy but not overpoweringly so
paul at sonic (5:08:31 PM): the juices dribble in a controlled fashion
paul at sonic (5:09:20 PM): the burger could best be described as utilitarian
paul at sonic (5:09:30 PM): it gets the job done. one small burger and i'm full
paul at sonic (5:09:41 PM): i don't think i could eat pie at this point, for example
paul at sonic (5:09:48 PM): a nice soda pop would be good
paul at sonic (5:10:05 PM): but i'd hate to mask the smoky latent taste of the burger
paul at sonic (5:10:24 PM): straight from the source
paul at sonic (5:10:38 PM): "i made a rub with some spices, then marinated them in beer and steak sauce"
paul at sonic (5:10:46 PM): let's have a hand for jerff
paul at sonic (5:10:55 PM): fuck this is the worst day of my life

Me: Brett, eh?
I know him.
My sister knows him better than I do
Is he a vampire looking dude?
kathleenkelley: vampire? he was pretty clean cut i thought
i was drinking whiskey
who knows?
Me: I was just hoping he was a vampire is all

paul at sonic: would you be frightened if you went to a zoo and saw an animal called a Naircat
Bigteef100: if i just saw the animal?
paul at sonic: yeah it was just in a cage walking back and forth
Bigteef100: no. i would not be scared
Bigteef100: would it have a 5 o'clock shadow and be wearing a ratty sweater?
paul at sonic: ok you know
paul at sonic: i mean well

rbx6jm: u see mats game yasterday
rbx6jm: they hit the balls in the grass area
paul at sonic: i heard it was an explosion of runs
paul at sonic: just like when i got home from work
paul at sonic: i've said too much
rbx6jm: :[

me: Or I could beat the hell from you.
it's your choice, really...
sammy: or you could eat the bell from dude
eat the dell fondu
me: sweeten the gelatin brew
meet in the elephant room
greet the intelligence crew
sammy: skeet in the hella hot croon
me: sleep with the indelible groom
sammy: time for pooping
brb

rbx6jm: lullaby's
rbx6jm: would you go to a fast food place called lullaby's
rbx6jm: bad idea
rbx6jm: you have to lie on the ground in complete darkness whlie animals crawl all over you
rbx6jm: tom hanks pounding on the ceiling
rbx6jm: pleading
rbx6jm: good fries tho
paul at sonic: what kind of animals
rbx6jm: you cant see them it's too dark
rbx6jm: but they have a pleasant odor
paul at sonic: are they mammals?
rbx6jm: NAIR

rbx6jm: "His shit is so thick and so oddly shaped that he can't go and all his shit are piled up in his intestines all the way up to his chest."
paul at sonic: word for word exactly the same as your high school yearbook inscription
rbx6jm: nope
rbx6jm: "HIM shit is so thick and so oddly shaped that he can't go and all his shit are piled up in his intestines all the way up to his chest."
rbx6jm: minor detail

tonysquares: yeah A-ROD DOUBLE
dan1elthompson: i thought u somehow used adorable in that
tonysquares: lol
tonysquares: A-DOR OUBLE
tonysquares: right?
dan1elthompson: i think so

paul at sonic: would you let trick daddy kneel at ball level and rap to you
paul at sonic: he won't touch you
rbx6jm: D:
rbx6jm: enough of this nair


I BROKE MAYES WAT DO I WIN

Adam: what the hell does BBW stand for anyway?
Jennifer: big beautiful woman
Adam: oooooh
Adam: THAT'S UP MY ALLEY
Adam: WHERE DO I SIGN MA'AM
Adam: we're talking big like Mo'Nique and not big like...Daryl Hannah, right?
Adam: like across, not up
Jennifer: right. like lots of skin and flubber
Adam: thank goodness
Adam: I just like to get lost in a lady
Adam: just climb in and not be reached by phone or e-mail for two days minimum

Paul: hello there
how are you
would you like 1 TACO
if you would like 1 TACO please press "yes"
me: yayayayayaya
"yes"
Paul: we're sorry. 1 TACO is not available
me: DEARBLASTER
Paul: if you would like MOUSE DROPPINGS please press "yes"
me: "no"
"TACO NOW"
Paul: you have selected MAYES TEETH
me: gimme teeth

i got plenty

rbx6jm: wickmans on the dl by the by
15-day DL as of Apr 30, 2007 (Fat)
paul at sonic: are u serious
rbx6jm: duh
paul at sonic: i didn't know they could DL someone for being fat
how does david wells pitch
haha upper back strain
wickman is an old ass motherfucker
rbx6jm: u thought fat was serious
man o man
paul at sonic: got one past me mayes
rbx6jm: 15-day DL as of Apr 30, 2007 (WET BUTT WET BUTT WET BUTT W)
paul at sonic: i know how he feels
rbx6jm: D:

ha, that's funny.

BskowAtWork (1:01:45 PM): Hi Joey!!! Just saw you sign on and thought I'd brighten your day.
joeyatsnap (1:01:55 PM): uh oh something gay is going on
joeyatsnap (1:01:59 PM): i guess i better check omgtru
BskowAtWork (1:03:14 PM): nope, just my typical gayness
joeyatsnap (1:03:25 PM): you and paul both gave me super gay greetings at the same time
joeyatsnap (1:03:33 PM): this is some kind of conspiracy
BskowAtWork (1:04:34 PM): nope, just being gay, joey. no conspiracy...just a gaywincidence

what can i say, it's gay day. sort of like dre day but g

paul at sonic: would you lick rhea pearlman's butt for $600,000
paul at sonic: heavily taxed
paul at sonic: and she's crapping while it happens
paul at sonic: and devito is screaming in your ear to stop
paul at sonic: and his kids are on fire
paul at sonic: and i'm 9000 ft tall and peeing on the world
paul at sonic: and you're on fire too
rbx6jm: yes
paul at sonic: sweet
rbx6jm: dream come true
paul at sonic: that's very sweet of you, mayes

paul at sonic: i had a dream that the dad from the jetsons was sitting on a sofa with no pants and enormous testicles
paul at sonic: young jeezy blaring
rbx6jm: :(
paul at sonic: he was watching footage of 9/11 on a microwave screen
paul at sonic: what does it all meat

idonthaveoneofth: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Bqhuu2H0ADs&mode=related&search=
idonthaveoneofth: this was military school for me.
idonthaveoneofth: no shit
paul at sonic: so military school for you was dreaming up homoerotic springsteen-esque concerts starring you singing about breakfast cereal
paul at sonic: makes sense
idonthaveoneofth: why u mean
paul at sonic: sorry it was just too easy
idonthaveoneofth: I WAS SO YOUNG
idonthaveoneofth: AND SASSY
paul at sonic: THERE ARE NO WOMEN IN THAT AUDIENCE
paul at sonic: THAT SUGAR CRISP BEAR ENJOYS THE COMPANY OF MALES
idonthaveoneofth: Yeah. It's a gay cereal
paul at sonic: now honey comb
paul at sonic: that was the cereal for young men who like to finger bang chicks in tree houses
paul at sonic: myself i was a quaker oat squares sort of lad
idonthaveoneofth: That was the cereal where you finger cuffed dudes right?
paul at sonic: cuffed BLACK dudes jeff
idonthaveoneofth: I like Captain Cr... uh gettin pussy brand cereal
idonthaveoneofth: fiercely hetero
paul at sonic: there is no right answer
paul at sonic: gettin pussy brand cereal comes in a glitter covered box, and the box is full of pink slime
paul at sonic: there is no god
idonthaveoneofth: DEAR CHIST, HOW DID YOU REMEMBER SO WELL

to be fair that commercial captured military school pretty accurately.

I would know

paul at sonic: FUCKY O'NAIRE
rbx6jm: yayayya
paul at sonic: COMIN TO COP A FEEL ON THE LADDIEZ
paul at sonic: i mean ladies
rbx6jm: laddie
rbx6jm: D:

idonthaveoneofth: MAYES
rbx6jm: ya
idonthaveoneofth: sup
rbx6jm: brd
idonthaveoneofth: ya
idonthaveoneofth: gotta go to work soon
idonthaveoneofth: BALLS
rbx6jm: fukk
idonthaveoneofth: TRU
idonthaveoneofth: This is the best conversation we've ever had
rbx6jm: def

paul at sonic: kit kats rising from the hudson towering over the skyline
paul at sonic: shit monster rides the subway
paul at sonic: it lives
rbx6jm: ok
paul at sonic: that poem was called shit monster rides the subway
paul at sonic: thank you
paul at sonic: thank you
rbx6jm: i c

paul at sonic: let me tell you that mayes: good driver
idonthaveoneofth: What of his diving abilities, Paul?
paul at sonic: he dove to the bottom of my heart
idonthaveoneofth: GAY SHIT
idonthaveoneofth: SHOTS FIRED
idonthaveoneofth: PAUL'S ASS VIRGINITY IS DOWN

[11:23] joeyatsnap: PAUL
[11:23] joeyatsnap: BURGERCON
[11:23] joeyatsnap: CHALLENGE
[11:23] paul at sonic: wheres that
[11:23] joeyatsnap: BURGERCON
[11:23] paul at sonic: whats that
[11:24] joeyatsnap: paul are you retarded
[11:24] joeyatsnap: http://omgtru.com/thread/332
[11:25] paul at sonic: i politely decline the challenge
[11:25] joeyatsnap: PAUL
[11:25] joeyatsnap: IS ME, BIG PAPI
[11:25] joeyatsnap: HOWA YOU GUN DECLINE BURGACON CHALLEN
[11:26] paul at sonic: HE'S GOT A GUN LOOK OUT
[11:28] joeyatsnap: PAUL IS JUST ME, BIG PAPI
[11:29] joeyatsnap: YOU WANNA GEH SUH BURGAS PAUW
[11:29] joeyatsnap: IS A BURGACAW CHALLEN
[11:31] joeyatsnap: PAUW YOU WANNA SUH TICKETS TO DE REDASOX
[11:31] joeyatsnap: PAUW
[11:31] joeyatsnap: IS ME, BIG PAPI
[11:32] joeyatsnap: PAUW YOU WAN MEET MANNY
[11:33] joeyatsnap: DAT MANNY CRA ME UP PAUW
[11:33] paul at sonic: i hate the red sox
[11:33] joeyatsnap: OH PAUW DAS TOO BAD PAUW
[11:34] joeyatsnap: IS ME, BIG PAPI

i seriously think that last IM highlight is the single funniest piece of written text i have ever read in my life.

BskowAtWork (6:26:41 PM): you still there? i just did something EXTREMELY embarrassing
paul at sonic (6:26:47 PM): uh oh what did u do
BskowAtWork (6:27:28 PM): so, i saw something on gawker about how there's gonna be a yard sale in LIC for a bunch of props and set dressings from the Sopranos
BskowAtWork (6:27:48 PM): and knowing that i work with a bunch of sopranos fans, i was going to send them the link
paul at sonic (6:27:59 PM): uh oh this is scary sounding
BskowAtWork (6:28:08 PM): but the actual story was on a different site that gawker linked to
BskowAtWork (6:28:21 PM): so i sent out that link to lw-staff, which is my whole company
paul at sonic (6:28:27 PM): oh shit what story was it
BskowAtWork (6:28:37 PM): no the story was legit
BskowAtWork (6:29:11 PM): but immediately afterwards i realized it came from the
BskowAtWork (6:29:30 PM): "gay pop culture, news and clues, served fresh daily" blog
BskowAtWork (6:30:02 PM): so i sent everyone in my company a link to a gay blog
BskowAtWork (6:30:15 PM): that I apparently thought was good enough to pass along
paul at sonic (6:30:35 PM): haha
BskowAtWork (6:30:52 PM): MY WHOLE COMPANY, PAUL!
paul at sonic (6:30:53 PM): well it could be worse, i was worried that you'd accidentally pasted the link to the jeff wanted poster
paul at sonic (6:31:10 PM): you're just going to have to send the whole company a link to some nice hetero porn
paul at sonic (6:31:14 PM): to set the record straight
BskowAtWork (6:31:42 PM): i sent a lame email afterward trying to backtrack a little, but i think the damage is done
BskowAtWork (6:32:10 PM): i was like, "umm...that story was linked by something else I was reading. I...um...didn't realize it was a gay blog."
paul at sonic (6:32:16 PM): lol
BskowAtWork (6:32:37 PM): i'm sure my CEO will enjoy

two step flow (9:28:39 PM): HEY
two step flow (9:28:40 PM): HAY
two step flow (9:28:42 PM): HEY
two step flow (9:28:45 PM): hey
jnwalrus (9:28:49 PM): HORE
two step flow (9:28:55 PM): : {
two step flow (9:29:00 PM): u didn't mean that
jnwalrus (9:29:17 PM): oh hey
two step flow (9:29:25 PM): : }
two step flow (9:29:27 PM): HAY
two step flow (9:29:38 PM): joey i've been thinking it over and i'm going to commit suicide

yall's a bunch of fagets

:(

waht does tru stand for anyways? i mean i get omg i guess that mean o my god. but tru? myabe im at the wrong websi.

no you're in the right place

paul at sonic (10:46:16 AM): yo so get this
paul at sonic (10:46:22 AM): so i wake up bright and early today
paul at sonic (10:46:27 AM): 8:45 am
paul at sonic (10:46:36 AM): get ready, get me laundry together, leave house by 9
paul at sonic (10:46:43 AM): walk to drop off laundry
paul at sonic (10:47:00 AM): at laundromat mexican lady pointing to my laundry bag and saying what sounds like "eems"
paul at sonic (10:47:04 AM): over and over
paul at sonic (10:47:33 AM): so i say "en espanol por favor" and then bumble over words after finally figuring out that she's asking me if there are just clothes in there or also blankets
paul at sonic (10:47:52 AM): so we stand there both kind of embarrassed, her because her english isn't great and me because i can't speak spanish for shit
paul at sonic (10:48:02 AM): so i get on the train, perfect on time for work
paul at sonic (10:48:06 AM): then the cops call me
paul at sonic (10:48:09 AM): automated message
paul at sonic (10:48:43 AM): so i hop off the train cuz i can't hear. and it's all press 1 to confirm your name press 2 for such and such and i'm thinking shit maybe they've dropped the charges and its telling me i don't have to go on monday
paul at sonic (10:48:44 AM): nope
paul at sonic (10:48:50 AM): so then i'm stuck at 39th ave
paul at sonic (10:48:52 AM): waiting
paul at sonic (10:48:55 AM): and i step in gum
paul at sonic (10:49:07 AM): and then a guy almost hits me with his bike on 5th ave
paul at sonic (10:49:10 AM): i'm tellin u mayes
paul at sonic (10:49:12 AM): end times
paul at sonic (10:49:24 AM): and to top it all off, i had a dream last night that i brutally beat joakim noah
paul at sonic (10:49:29 AM): i mean seriously fucked him up
rbx6jm (10:49:30 AM): eems

rbx6jm: im gonna get my arms sleeved with tgif characters tonite
rbx6jm: wish me bad luck
paul at sonic: just the letters T G I and F?
rbx6jm: NO
rbx6jm: peple
rbx6jm: possibly a section for capitol critters
paul at sonic: just get jodie sweetin circa 1992 right at your shoulder, with the knob of your shoulder as her butt, right, so that her torso is spread onto your shoulder blade and her legs sort of come down towards your armpit and then have turds just falling out of her butthole all the way down your arm to your wrist
paul at sonic: and then have her saying "HOW RUDE" in gothic letters in a speech bubble on your back
rbx6jm: :(

user guest_ has entered room
analyst Laura has entered room

Laura: Hello guest_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Laura. Please give me one moment to review your information.
Laura: Hi how are you today?
guest_: hi?
guest_: i'm not sure why i was sent here
guest_: i was completing my order for new service and it just sent me to this page
guest_: any ideas?
Laura: I see what you had ordered for the first time once we enter the chatroom together. I verify the information on your order, create the account and set up the installation date and time with you, thank you for your patience at this time.
guest_: oh cool
Laura: At this time the previous resident has not closed their account. To update our billing system with the correct information,and to close the old account, we will need you to come in with proof of address, such as a copy of the lease or title, to prevent this previous resident's account history being transferred to your name.
guest_: well i live in los angeles right now, is it possible to fax you a copy of the lease?
Laura: No unfortunatly they will not except that.
guest_: ok well i'm going to be working from home and need an internet connection as soon as i move in, what can i do?
Laura: Please call our 1-800-COMCAST
Laura: Do you have any other questions for me today?
guest_: uh
guest_: no, you've been extremely helpful
guest_: this is working out great

this happened to me too in davis. we had to go down to comcast, and they said they didn't have any of our information and that they never heard of any of the deals we wanted. we ended up getting a shitty package, but then called comcast and got the cheap deals.

yeah i called 1-800-COMCAST and boy hooked it up with no problems. i gave laura bad marks on the customer survey tho

also imagine a 5 minute pause between every time i asked a question and her response

ps laura's really indian

ps laura's really HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

(prob)

that's racist mayes! : )

i meant "woo woo" indian

they fuckin play that woo WOOO sound 9 billion times an inning over the pa system at greensboro grasshoppers games. the crowd chants along and i know they have no idea where it's from

The whistles, they go woo.

godimsickofthis (3:18:53 PM): come play wii baseball
idonthaveoneofth (3:19:49 PM): Gotta go pick out a sofa. GUAY.
godimsickofthis (3:19:55 PM): i hate your lack of friendshi
idonthaveoneofth (3:20:12 PM): You mean friendshii?
godimsickofthis (3:20:22 PM): why don't you ever wanna ha
idonthaveoneofth (3:20:25 PM): God, strike me down for that one.
idonthaveoneofth (3:20:37 PM): It's a dis
idonthaveoneofth (3:20:45 PM): I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LO
godimsickofthis (3:20:54 PM): OBIOUSLY NOT, YOU SON OF A BI

[10:07] joeyatsnap: paul if the san diego padres made all their players take an art class, would you model nude for $100
[10:07] paul at sonic: hmmm
[10:07] paul at sonic: no
[10:08] joeyatsnap: what if khalil green gave you his portrait of you as a gift
[10:09] paul at sonic: i'd rather have an oil painting of khalil green
[10:10] joeyatsnap: you could keep greg maddux's painting of khalil green, but it's acrylic
[10:10] paul at sonic: i guess that's alright

paul at sonic: wasn't it awesome that we had all that sex and you're so into me and want to give me lots of money
WHITEjessalbaPWR: hehe ya

who is WHITEjessalbaPWR and how did you meet him?

Bubb Rubb

lookin for that woo woo

The whistles do that, Paul. Not men's assholes.

joeyatsnap: YOOOOUK
joeyatsnap: youk has been inducted into the bill hall of fame
idonthaveoneofth: YOOOUUUUUUUKKKK
idonthaveoneofth: That is awesome
idonthaveoneofth: Juan Pierre is in I hope
joeyatsnap: no he is not
idonthaveoneofth: 1st ballot, I say


idonthaveoneofth: Let's beat up Paul
joeyatsnap: ok
idonthaveoneofth: Soon
joeyatsnap: i'm good now if u want
idonthaveoneofth: Nah, i just ate. Need a quick nap then POW

catch me if you can NIGGAS

two step flow: WHERE JERFF
two step flow: WHERE MAYES
two step flow: PAUL SCARED
two step flow: PAUL ALONE
two step flow: PAUL DRINK

two step flow disconnected

: D

[12:33] paul at sonic: knock knock
[12:33] Bigteef100: :|
[12:34] Bigteef100: whos there?
[12:34] paul at sonic: sexual deviant
[12:34] paul at sonic: black man
[12:34] paul at sonic: pushes past you to your wife
[12:34] paul at sonic: livign hell
[12:34] paul at sonic: cuts the phone cord
[12:34] paul at sonic: man no one likes my knock knock jokes

rbx6jm: you go home and theres a stack of menus about yay high from "NAIR CATS, INC" do you call the number on the back
paulatsonic: of course
rbx6jm: the menu is completely blank save for a crudely drawn nude picture of alfonso ribero
rbx6jm: bad idea
rbx6jm: the yellow man drive up slowly
rbx6jm: pulls out a tshirt cannon and shoots houston rockets conference champions 1997 shirts at jarfs window for 4 hours
rbx6jm: pancreas explodes

paul at sonic: we are completely insane
idonthaveoneofth: you are
paul at sonic (5:00:35 PM): you are, mouse breath
idonthaveoneofth: Shut up, whisker dick
paul at sonic: WHO TOLD YOU
idonthaveoneofth: I just knew

[13:15] rbx6jm: MYKE JONED
[13:15] paul at sonic: wonder what he's up to today
[13:16] paul at sonic: probably enjoying a light lunch
[13:16] rbx6jm: screaming his name in agony
[13:16] paul at sonic: or that

[19:06] rbx6jm:
[19:07] paul at sonic: he can't believe its nut butter
[19:07] rbx6jm: :[
[19:07] paul at sonic: hahahaha that was completely unintentional
[19:07] rbx6jm: ya rite
[19:07] paul at sonic: thumbs
[19:07] paul at sonic: typo

rbx6jm: is it wrong to poop 7 times in one day
rbx6jm: and i mean poop
idonthaveoneofth: NEVNER
rbx6jm: alright then
idonthaveoneofth: NEVIN COSTNER
rbx6jm: aaron nevin
idonthaveoneofth: Nevin Campbell
rbx6jm: match over
idonthaveoneofth: Nevan Williams
idonthaveoneofth: oh, sorr

[18:19] paul at sonic: i think i could seriously portray john goodman accurately in a biopic
[18:20] rbx6jm: AMERICA RUNS ON RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
[18:21] paul at sonic: robots
[18:21] paul at sonic: will you help us film a john goodman biopic this weekend
[18:21] paul at sonic: i am going to get really drunk and try to find a brown curly haired wig
[18:21] rbx6jm: i thought you said i was giving him a biopsy
[18:22] paul at sonic: most of it will be set during the roseanne era
[18:22] paul at sonic: there will be a lot of slow motion turns to the camera as i say "darlene?"


guys i seriously would like to do this, can we do this?

[12:10] rbx6jm: you should pose as the son of a celebrity to get free food/lodging
[12:11] rbx6jm: six degrees of lerneration
[12:12] paul at sonic: my options are pretty limited
[12:12] paul at sonic: ron jeremy
[12:12] paul at sonic: jon lovitz
[12:12] paul at sonic: christian bale
[12:12] rbx6jm: tiny tim
[12:12] rbx6jm: D:
[12:13] paul at sonic: lexington steele
[12:13] rbx6jm: who dat
[12:13] paul at sonic: look him up
[12:13] rbx6jm: remington st
[12:13] paul at sonic: i suggest google image search
[12:13] paul at sonic: be sure to turn your monitor towards kem
[12:13] rbx6jm: i'm very disappointed in you nair
[12:13] paul at sonic: who isn't

rbx6jm: i bert
rbx6jm: gentle dinosaur
paul at sonic: u've had that dream where bert and ernie are slowly burning alive and the emergency broadcast system tone is playing full volume
rbx6jm:
paul at sonic: thats the one
paul at sonic: vin diesel sure does look weird

[17:10] paul at sonic: mm tacos
[17:10] paul at sonic: don't mind if i do
[17:10] paul at sonic: *BARFS*
[17:11] paul at sonic: ooh barfed on your tacos
[17:11] paul at sonic: sorry bud
[17:11] paul at sonic: *time machine*
[17:13] *** "idonthaveoneofth" signed off at Tue Aug 07 17:13:14 2007.

[11:15] paul at sonic: good morning jared
[11:15] paul at sonic: i'm sorry
[11:15] paul at sonic: there was supposed to be an exclamation point there
[11:16] paul at sonic: i'll begin again
[11:16] paul at sonic: good morning jared@
[11:16] paul at sonic: oh
[11:16] paul at sonic: i fucked it up again
[11:16] paul at sonic: ok take 3
[11:16] paul at sonic: goo morning jard!
[11:16] paul at sonic: shit
[11:16] paul at sonic: i'm just no good at this
[11:16] paul at sonic: i understand if you never want to speak to me again
[11:16] paul at sonic: i'll just go now
[11:16] Bigteef100: ok. catch you later

[14:59] paul at sonic: i'd smoke with kolber
[14:59] paul at sonic: SMOKE SOME POLE
[14:59] paul at sonic: wait that didn't
[15:00] paul at sonic: thats not what i me
[15:00] rbx6jm: ya thats confusing there
[15:00] paul at sonic: no see what i eman
[15:00] paul at sonic: she
[15:00] paul at sonic: not me
[15:00] paul at sonic: but me
[15:00] paul at sonic: u know
[15:00] paul at sonic: i gotta go
[15:00] rbx6jm: no
[15:00] rbx6jm: pok

kathleen: dude
me: partypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartyparty
partypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartyparty
partypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartyparty
partypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartyparty
partypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartyparty
partypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartyparty
partyparty

me: partypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartyparty
partypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartyparty
partypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartyparty

me: partypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartyparty
kathleen: oh my god
party
me: TOTALLY
partypartypartyparty partypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartyparty
partypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartyparty
partypartypartyparty
kathleen: i am a little nervous
about the party
me: Whysat
partypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartypartyparty
partypartypartypartyparty?
kathleen: i think it might become a giant party
me: PARTYPARTYPARTY
PARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTYPARTY
Like that?
kathleen: yeah
capital letters
me: Holy shit, dude. ALL CAPS
I'M SHOUTING.
PARTYPARTY
WOOOOOOOOOOOO

Stan: josh beckett nucka
me: YA SON
me: Motherfucker was ON. I could even spell it OWN.
Stan: he's ridiculous in the postseason
me: GODALMIGHTYDAMN, that mufuckah can throw a damn ball
Stan: ISAIDGAAWDDDAMSTERDAM
me: WITNESS PREACH THE GOSPEL TO THE GAWDIENCE
TAKE THIS MAN AWAY ON THE GAWDAMBULANCE
Stan: holy shit rockies

me: so much poop
jesus
i'm dying
of poop
and working
so much working
can't stop won't stop
working and pooping, that is
I AM A BEAR
BEARS DON'T WORK
THEY FUCK AND EAT AND SLEEP THROUGH THE COLD
I WANT TO FUCK AND EAT AND SLEEP THROUGH THE COLD
I WANT TO FEAST ON THE BLOODY CARCASS OF A SLOW-FOOTED DEER
I WILL DESTROY

sammy: eyes can't poo yeast on he buddy car crash of a low putted beer

rbx6jm: alright work time
rbx6jm: [boss man] wants to have a frank conversation with you
rbx6jm: typo
rbx6jm: he wants you to convert some francs for him
rbx6jm: TOUTE
rbx6jm: DE
rbx6jm: SUITE
paul at sonic: omg live in the now mayeeeees
paul at sonic: francs are HISTORY
paul at sonic: EVERYONES DOIN IT ERUO STYLE
rbx6jm: francis histrionix
rbx6jm: my euro rap name
paul at sonic: neon green poodle under one arm
paul at sonic: smiling man as hype man
rbx6jm: mistakenly joining the hyphen revolution instead of the hyphy
paul at sonic: mercilessly stomped out by e-40
paul at sonic: as paris burns
rbx6jm: paris hilton burns a phhhhhhhhhhhhat
rbx6jm: got nothin
rbx6jm: PHAT BUNT

paul at sonic: would you let a large animatronic snoopy simulate raping you for cash and prizes
paul at sonic: it only lasts 45 minutes
paul at sonic: but its very realistic
rbx6jm: yes
paul at sonic: goudy move
paul at sonic: the cpu catches fire after six thrusts
paul at sonic: disfiguring the snoopy
paul at sonic: you remain unscathed
paul at sonic: but i'm afraid this voids the payout
rbx6jm: i did it for the experience
rbx6jm: +3
rbx6jm: level up
rbx6jm: gained +99 cloak of regret

whatsupjoey: remember that fake music video those kids made for "movin' out"
tonysquares disconnected

lol that would've been a really good convo starter

;(

drsteviez (2:10:31 PM): sara came up to me at Lenny's and sort of mumbled, "do you have a quarter?"
drsteviez (2:10:44 PM): i could have sworn she said "do i look like a whore"?
drsteviez (2:10:52 PM): luckily my answer was the same
BskowAtWork (2:11:01 PM): yeah

BskowAtWork: can't make any guarantees, but i can vouch for you. if you get an interview, that's where it's on you to knock their socks off
idonthaveoneofth: of course. I'm a good interviewer.
idonthaveoneofth: (blowjobs)
BskowAtWork: yeah def. like i said, i got hired.
BskowAtWork: wasn't for no reason, if you know what i mean
BskowAtWork: (blowjobs)
idonthaveoneofth: Oh, I know what you mean
idonthaveoneofth: (blowjobs)

BskowAtWork: i mean, there are a lot of people that try to bullshit knowing a whole bunch, and i think it goes much further if you're up front about what you know, but also what you don't
idonthaveoneofth: I completely agree.
BskowAtWork: but i said i thought you'd fit in really well culture-wise
idonthaveoneofth: It's not as if I am a person that can't learn new things.
idonthaveoneofth: I'll kill the job if I get it.
BskowAtWork: and that i thought you were intelligent, a good writer, and a good speaker
idonthaveoneofth: Really gut it in front of its family, you know?
BskowAtWork: yeah

paul: dude my hs had the ugliest girls in the city
paul: i can count on two hands the number of girls who were hot
paul: and then i'd go wait outside riverside high for my friend after school and it was like boner city
whatsupjoey: i went to boner city high
whatsupjoey: the football team was horrible
whatsupjoey: good art department tho
paul: i blame coach ballsnshaft
whatsupjoey: he did the best with what he had
paul: omg boner city has the highest property taxes in the entire state
whatsupjoey: ya
whatsupjoey: and the highest unemployment
whatsupjoey: and infant mortality rate
paul: its truly an awful place to live
paul: my grandfather worked for boner city transit
paul: back when the electric company owned it
whatsupjoey: oh yeah
whatsupjoey: was he involved in that massive collision
paul: it was a series of repeated collisions oddly enough
paul: i beat a dog to death last night joey

paul: fellow bats give me pizza
me: you a pizza bird
paul: pizza falcon
me: http://www.brooklynparrots.com/uploaded_images/pizza_tough_crust-796223.jpg
close enough
paul: exquisite taste

drsteviez (3:04:48 PM): http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bullwinkle+surprise
drsteviez (3:05:05 PM): #2
drsteviez (3:05:09 PM): #1 got it wrong
BskowAtWork (3:12:04 PM): http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bullwinkle
BskowAtWork (3:12:12 PM): i think #2 is the best definition

staaaaaaan: i was thinking about making a reservation for 8ish to be safe
me: Down.
staaaaaaan: though i have to call them to see about pork butt availability
me: THAT'S RIGHT YOU DO

me: I'm going to fuck women, I don't care what David Stern says.
paul: ok stern is getting furious

me: How 'bout that John McC(l)ain?
staaaaaaan: yippee ki yay motherhucker

me: I feel weird for some reason
paulatsonic: i'm manu ginobli
me: sup dude
I like your basketball abilities
paulatsonic: hola
i am from argentina
i play the basket for the san antonio spuir
me: but I hate the euro style of foul-taking
paulatsonic: i like chicken
in spanish we say pollo
san antonio make oyu af ghciekn
wooosh
me: don't come at me with that shit, euro
paulatsonic: say what

kathleen: [Moment of Truth] is the scourge of society, and i'm obsessed tonight
people are so crazy and secretive and live these weird livs
me: True. And what's more they are GREEEDY.
kathleen: greedy and liars
it is crazy and amazing and like watching a train wreck
me: or a bloated whale lap onto shore admidst tiny waves of its skin baking in the mid-summer sun.
kathleen: haha yes

Paul: i mean in terms of good tits i've seen in the past 10 years, they may have been top five dude

Rob: its ridiculous

Rob: wow

Paul: yeah

Paul: my boner came loose from my body and flew up and west out over the hudson

Rob: nice

me: Ugh-- there's so much talk on baseball tonight that the Red Sox-Jays pitcher's duel got 30 seconds of highlights.
fucking ESPN
limeycornelius61: talking: television's biggest enemy
me: tru
limeycornelius61: highlights shows and such should be just that
limeycornelius61: none of this "orestes destrade talks about splitfinger pitches and the art of swinging a bat"
or
"john kruk muses on baseball stadia cuisine"
JUST SHOW ME SOME GAMES, ASSHOLES. IT'S WHAT YOU'RE PAID TO DO
me: "George Lopez eats out my asshole on live pay-per-view television"
NO SIR
GIMME HIGHLIGHTS OR GIMME DEATH
limeycornelius61: wow

[15:07] Bigteef100: so paul
[15:08] paul at sonic: icked her in the stomach and hopefully that did it, otherwise i gotta use my credit card at the doc's
[15:08] paul at sonic: sorry jared wrong window
[15:08] paul at sonic: wasup
[15:08] Bigteef100: plantains are full of sleeping pills. they made a genetic variant of it about 7 years ago.

whatsupjoey (5:59:22 PM): 4-4 tie was pretty anticlimactic
BskowAtWork (6:04:50 PM): just like most things i'm involved with
BskowAtWork (6:04:54 PM): including your mother
whatsupjoey (6:05:11 PM): yeah my mom is really anticlimactic
BskowAtWork (6:05:30 PM): tell me about it.
BskowAtWork (6:22:58 PM): you know what else will be anticlimactic?
whatsupjoey (6:23:10 PM): the rest of our lives
BskowAtWork (6:23:50 PM): when i post this chat in IM highlights
whatsupjoey (6:24:07 PM): i guess that technically will be part of the rest of our lives
BskowAtWork (6:24:21 PM): tru

me: that kolby byron is a good basketballer
whatsupjoey: the who now
me: he plays for the l.a. lakes
they're playing the texas spurts now
whatsupjoey: is this cricket

idonthaveoneofth: Where is Belmont, anyway?
I always get confused
confounded horses
I once lanced a horse in Cambodia.
It was for food, but I gotta say, my bloodlust level was high
The horse hated it
he was all pissed and wouldn't come hang out for drinks afterward
might've been a she
no idea-- I was just lancing on sight
you know?
Megan: i just want to drink during the day and shout "PONY!"
me: respectable

me: WAT IT DO
Chris: at work doggy, headed to the beer garden soon for brandi's friends b-day thing, then who knows.
what it is with you
me: workbots, but then maybe rock if I don't go sleepybirds
I WILL CALL THEE UPON THE NIGHT'S GROWTH
FARE THEE WELL GENTLE TIGER
MINE THINE ROAR PIERCE THE NIGHT WITH APLOMB
Chris: (fart noise)
Chris is busy. You may be interrupting.

whatsupjoey: jarf i have a real life
me: no you don't
whatsupjoey: fuck

paul: arsenio hall in obvious pain
me: sounds good

joey: paul
joey: what if i gave you the opportunity to marry one of the most beautiful actresses in hollywood
joey: but you don't get to know who it is beforehand
joey: but trust me she's beautiful
paul: well i'd like to meet her beforehand you know just to see if we get along
joey: sorry that's not possible
joey: but she is beautiful and wealthy
joey: you will get along great
joey: indians are used too arranged marriages right
joey: used to
paul: well i mean i guess if she's beautiful and wealthy
paul: you know we might just get along
paul: so yeah ok i'm down
joey: congratulations, mr. rhea perlman
paul: ok first of all
paul: she's already married
paul: secondly
joey: things have been rocky lately
paul: whose standard of beautiful are we abiding by
joey: eye of the beholder

me: dying
breathing lab ored
halp
in den
whhhhhhhhhhhhh
paul: what's the address? ok in the den, breathing is labored. did you have any chicken sandwiches in the last hour sir?
me: yaya
one
hhhhhhhhhhh
paul: sir i need you to answer this question, it's very important for the medics
ok one chicken sandwich
please stay on the line
me: halp
whhhhhh
paul: [10-44 BRTHING LABORED - DEN - MALE JARF - CODE 3]
sir someone will be there shortly
stay on the line
me: snat
palubats
paul: FORSAKEN HOUSE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HOSPITALS Dear Jarf LIngnshaosuahglian, Our records indicate that on July 7, 2008, you received emergency treatment for LABORED BRTHNG-CHKN SANDWCH. You have a past due balance of $39120.00 for the following services rendered: 1) MEDIC ASST 2) SANDWCH DEMOLITION 3) BRTHNG ASST. You have two (2) hours to submit payment. Amount due is payable in 1) Chicken Sandwiches 2) Arnold Palmers at your nearest FH DHH office. Our records indicate your nearest office is located at: PAULS ROOM. Thank you for your attention to this matter. Failure to pay past due balance can result in being smacked with an envelope.

paul: i got into a bad habit last week of going to my favorite bar every night after work
paul: i need to cut that out
paul: but i feel so comfortable there
joey: norm peternair
paul: bullet riddled postal uniform
paul: oh wait that was cliff
paul: hey let's be real joey, in 1982 i would have smashed shelley long
joey: oh no doubt
joey: if we're gonna be really honest, you woudl have smashed rhea perlman
joey: i guess that's where your love affair started

whatsupjoey: jar
me: the girl we went out and she made the funtimes
I yelln
whatsupjoey: oh you and paul had a nice evening
me: he is so womanl--HEY
NOT COOL

me: why do you hate me?
godimsickofthis: i don't dummy
me: YOU YELLIN
godimsickofthis: NOT TRÜ
me: No, wait, I'm yellin
godimsickofthis: NOW I AM FUCKHOLE
me: shit, I've been looking at this thing all wrong
godimsickofthis: i hate you

staaaaaaan: Organizers of the Beijing Olympics have set up a sex-determination laboratory to evaluate “suspect” female athletes, the official Chinese news agency Xinhua reported Sunday
nice.
me: I hope someone plays Sade's "Cool Operator when they search bitches
staaaaaaan: At first, women were asked to parade nude before a panel of doctors to verify their sex. At the 1968 Olympics in Mexico City, officials switched to a chromosomal test.

The tests never unmasked a man posing as a woman, but they did turn up several athletes who were born with genetic defects that made them appear — according to lab results, at least — to be men. In 1967, the Polish sprinter Ewa Klobukowska was barred from the sport because she failed the chromosomal test, even though she had passed the nude test a year earlier.
me: COOOOOOOOOL OPERRRRATAAAAAHHHHH
staaaaaaan: hahah

[16:19] paul at sonic: god i can't believe i just called you jon
[16:19] paul at sonic: wtf is happening to me
[16:19] rbx6jm: the long process
[16:19] rbx6jm: begins
[16:19] paul at sonic: i said the same thing in the shitter last night

[18:04] paul at sonic: ok joey no more violence on bonds' daughter in fact no more violence at all
[18:04] paul at sonic: would you bang janet jackson for 180,000 bucks, emz is fine with it, we're all fine with it, janet is REALLY fine with it
[18:05] whatsupjoey: sure
[18:05] whatsupjoey: wardrobe malfu
[18:05] paul at sonic: ok great, you have to meet her at the airport marriott
[18:05] paul at sonic: ok the room is secured so you can't leave until the act is over
[18:05] paul at sonic: oh man
[18:05] paul at sonic: oh no
[18:05] paul at sonic: it's michael
[18:05] paul at sonic: i TOLD them janet
[18:05] paul at sonic: i told them twice on the phone
[18:06] paul at sonic: fuck
[18:06] paul at sonic: ok well
[18:06] paul at sonic: i mean it'll go quick joey
[18:06] whatsupjoey: oh god
[18:06] whatsupjoey: no paul
[18:06] paul at sonic: just think about janet
[18:06] paul at sonic: joey the door's locked
[18:06] whatsupjoey: no paul
[18:06] whatsupjoey: no paul
[18:06] paul at sonic: i can't unlock the door
[18:06] whatsupjoey: no p
[18:06] paul at sonic: HE'S PRESENTING
[18:06] paul at sonic: joey quickly
[18:06] whatsupjoey: N O PAUL

joey: paul would you marry for money
paul: how much money
joey: a million dollars in your bank account the day after the ceremony
paul: how old is my bride
joey: paul this isn't a trick
joey: you just aren't completely in love with her
joey: would a million dollars seal the deal
paul: how long do i have to stay married
joey: at least 2 years
paul: hmm for a million? i guess i'd do it
joey: congratulations, mr. rhea perlman
paul: ok first of all

worth it

paul would do it for free

me: I will destroy you.
Heidi: ooooh, really? that sounds exciting.
me: consider yourself destroyed
Heidi: to what do i owe this pleasure, sir?
me: MY BROADSWORD IS THICK
Heidi: are we having cyber sex? this is weird.
me: ok, gotta run, talk soon.
Heidi: oh, okay. jesus. bye.

paul: lol joey this guy approached me on my lunch break
paul: i told my coworker about it and he did some googling
paul: http://www.ripoffreport.com/reports/0/244/RipOff0244163.htm
me: lol
me: how many purses did you buy
paul: he said something about a leather jacket and i was like peace dude
me: paul you would look cool with a leather jacket
paul: strutting my stuff around bed stuy
paul: a real laddies man
paul: LADIES
me: lol
paul: i meant to say LADIES
me: too late

me: wtf where is peter
me: i hope he's bringing beer
paul: tell him to bring me some jalapeno poopers
paul: i mean POPPERS
me: lol

paul: when i was in college we had a cat at our house and whenever we'd open the front door it would run to the sidewalk and start rolling around. so we started letting it out and then gathering in a circle around it while it rolled on the sidewalk chanting the chorus to ludacris' "roll out" and shaking our fists. and one time while we were doing this some lady drove by and slowed down and shouted "leave that cat alone!" at us
paul: i think she thought we were abusing it

me: CNN is calling the race in favor of drunk
Chris: when do polls close?
me: 4 AM

me: yeah, I encourage you to get aids
Paul: ok well let's see i'll work on this

Paul: ok well you tell snate to get them biscuits ready
me: sure thing, pal
Paul: cuz i am coming home with HIV babby
me: this is wonderful news

me: two guesses
Chris: loving curmudgeon andy rooney
me: no
one more
Chris: is it batman
me: IT'S NOT BATMAN

me: I'm embracing my inner wolf
Nicole: no.
i cannot allow this.
me: my fangs are glistening in the sun after slaughtering a rabbit
I have blood in clumped in my jowls
Nicole: No.
NO.
all wrong
me: My padded paws are trudging through snow ever so quietly as I stalk my prey.
Nicole: ooooooooooooooooooook.
say hi to your parents for me

[13:08] Bigteef100: ok.. so it's saturday night. you're in the mood to read about some disturbing murder
[13:08] Bigteef100: where do you start?
[13:08] paul at sonic: well i wouldn't read it at night because then i can't sleep well
[13:08] Bigteef100: whenever
[13:08] Bigteef100: where do you start?
[13:09] paul at sonic: where would i start, or where would i recommend you start
[13:09] Bigteef100: you paul
[13:09] paul at sonic: because i've read most of them
[13:09] Bigteef100: you want to read about a new one
[13:09] paul at sonic: i would probably start at wikipedia
[13:09] Bigteef100: where?
[13:09] paul at sonic: i would go to a murder i already know about and then at the bottom theres a listing of categories it's filed in
[13:09] paul at sonic: usually unsolved murders or something like that
[13:09] Bigteef100: and you'd scan it for an unfamiliar name?
[13:10] paul at sonic: yeah i'd be able to notice if i'd read it before
[13:10] Bigteef100: so what would happen if
[13:11] paul at sonic: yes jared
[13:12] Bigteef100: you were scanning a list of these, and you came across your own name. and you click it, and there's a picture of you... and a description of a terrible murder. and you figure it must be a mistake, and you try to go visit a friend, but he doesnt see that you're there, so you go to your girlfriends, and she is sad and doesnt see you, so you had to find whoopee goldberg, since she's the only person who can see you... and it turns out a coworker had you killed?
[13:13] paul at sonic: i'd probably go visit my girlfriend while she's making pottery to cope with her devastating loss and then have a really schmaltzy love scene where by touching her with my invisible hands she can feel my presence and believe that i'm in a better place
[13:13] paul at sonic: or i'd complain to a wikipedia administrator

paul: joey i ended up having four beers and an empanada
paul: the empanada was argentine chorizo and saffron rice
paul: but i'll tell you, it wasn't that great
paul: left under the heat lamps too long
paul: and the crust was way too flaky for my taste
paul: ok well good night joey
paul: let me know if you have any questions about the empanada

BskowAtWork (12:36:59 AM): paul i have questions about the empanada
paulatsonic is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in.

staaaaaaan: it'll feel like brenda warner is IN my apartment
me: I wish I felt like that
I only have my dreams

paul at sonic (4:44:35 PM): i'm not gonna lie to you, brian
paul at sonic (4:44:46 PM): i just mentioned to joey about how much your dog hated me
paul at sonic (4:44:57 PM): some things i'll never let go
“BskowAtWork” signed off at 4:47:27 PM.

LET IT GO PAUL

paul: anthony birthday thread
paul: contribute pls
me: this is pretty disrespectful to daniel
paul: howsat
paul: oh fuck right

[09:43] tonysquares: i totally got the 3D glasses bro
[09:43] JT: yeah i saw them on the coffee table
[09:43] JT: AWEOMSE
[09:44] tonysquares: they came in packs of 4?
[09:44] JT: heh
[09:45] JT: lonely ppl need not apply
[09:45] tonysquares: CHUCK VIEWING PARTIES ONLY
[09:46] tonysquares: disclaimer: chuck is not actually in your living room, enjoying your party and eating dip

me: PAUL
me: PAULUNAIR
me: paul i have an important question
me: paul for the love of jarf
paul: joey i'm busy
me: WE'RE ALL BUSY PAUL
me: BUT SOME OF US MAKE TIME
me: paul if you opened a new york style pizzeria what would you call it
paul: joey pls leave me alone
paul: thanks dude
me: paul
me: paul this is important
paul: joey don't make me block you for god's sake
me: like "Nair's Pies" ?
me: "Paul''s Brick Oven"
me: paul just answer me and i will leave you alone
paul disconnected

[13:38] paul at sonic: jopy being annoying
[13:38] paul at sonic: told him i was busy
[13:38] rbx6jm: ya rite
[13:38] paul at sonic: i know

on gchat:

me: paul just tell me what you would call your pizza place
me: and i will leave you alone
Paul Nair disconnected

me: why are you home? you should be out scouring the streets for insecure women who need a hug
not that you need that
but it's a goldmine tonight
Jeff: I am under the weather
me: and you're a good hugger
unfortunate
Jeff: indeed
Sent at 11:05 PM on Saturday
me: what did you think about the MLB/MLS package?
Sent at 11:06 PM on Saturday
Jeff: I like it.
Let's do it.
me: don't cost nothin
shit's free
Jeff: rrrrreal talk
Sent at 11:08 PM on Saturday
me: no doub
t
j
Sent at 11:09 PM on Saturday
me: do you even like soccer?
i think i kinda wanna watch eastbound and down
while the plot may not be much, i'm sure there are valid comedic highlights
Jeff: indeed
I got nothing against soccer, I just don't watch it much
Sent at 11:13 PM on Saturday
me: two words: (not wu-tang) but actually, "danny mcbride"

Jeff is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Jeff comes online.

me: goatbird vs. cornman
field of battle is a dog's hymen
Eric: goatbird.
me: good call

[10:18] tonysquares: gonna need a career year from chone figgins
[10:21] JTWorkAt: System Message
The system cannot complete your request at this
time. To proceed, please contact the Technical
Assistance help line at 1-800-225-3375, Monday
through Friday, 7:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. Eastern Time.

i don't think the help line is gonna be able to do much for chone

me: paul are you depressed
me: paul i think you might be depressed
Paul Nair: joey can't you annoy anthony or your wife or someone please
me: maybe you should have some pizza i bet that will lift your spirits
Paul Nair: noted. goodbye
me: there are some good pizza places in queens
me: like FAMOUS NAIR'S

i think paul blocked me on gchat now

PAUL

whatever's going on, this would make a good movie

IMDB PAGE

OrdiNAIRy People (2009)

Cast (Cast overview, first billed only)
Paul Giamatti ... Paul Nair
Ryan Reynolds ... Joey Nelson
Jim Henson (CGI) ... Jarp Laplin
James Carrey ... Tony Squares / D-Train
Niles "Mr. Clutch" ... MAYES
Mandy Moore ... Emz
Jason Biggs ... Brian Skowron
Phillip Seymour Hoffman ... Burton
Eli Porter ... Himself (uncredited)

Message Boards
jason biggs oscar buzz biggserthebetter
Prosthetic Penis? nairfan911
giamatti? what about kid from slumd jarffus
blur-ray release newell
where was randy? randy808
new eli porter remix palubat

Eric: im good, just hangin out. killin time before work. realizing that i need to invest in some lotion.
if only they made michelotion.
me: OH GOD
that would be magnificent
Eric: why ask why, dont be dry.
michelotion.
me: got dry skin? Why not do it drunk?
Micehlotion
Michelotion: 'Cause some skin is better than others.
Eric: haha

me: MAYES
Paul: yayaya
me: got a text from MAYES
Paul: MAYES
me: sayn we dink tonite
Paul: nice
me: MAYES

Eric: what?
ive havent herad of them
me: that was the best sentence in history

i have to stop reading this entire thread every time there's a new post

paul at sonic: gotta do this volunteering tonight
EienFlow: as part of your community service?
paul at sonic: no... decided a few weeks ago to do some stuff to help people less fortunate than myself
EienFlow: were you drunk?
paul at sonic: yes

paul: JOEY WOU sorry joey would you ever let a black person inside your house
joey: yes paul
paul: what about warren sapp
joey: sure
paul: great because he wants to lay down a jam with you
paul: something for his wife for their birthday
joey: he shares a birthday with his wife?
paul: ummm yeah
paul: i guess it was meant to be huh?!
paul: thats what he keeps saying to you

Paul: i just shifted in my chair and accidentally held down the volume button on my ipod and i thought i was quickly going deaf
me: swine fl

me: I'll have an order of the beans
Paul: ok that will be $5069
me: uh, for beans?
these better be the best beans I've ever had in my life
Paul: yes sir
they are just normal bush's baked beans from a can
me: you got lucky, then

me: I literally saw someone driving a car on the sidewalk on Tennessee St on the way back from taking Sean to his truck
Drew: wow
Drew: how does that work?
me: well, it was a small car
Drew: on purpose? or were they old/drunk/female/asian?
me: I think they were coming out of a driveway onto Tennessee and instead of having to go the opposite way they wanted to go, they decided to take the sidewalk for about a third of a block
Drew: goddamn
me: they turned up 13th immediately
Drew: that's awesome
me: I couldn't tell what was driving the car
me: something amazing no doubt
me: probably an orangutan
Drew: or a drunk old asian lady?
me: possibly
me: one eye
me: five teeth
me: looking for all the world like a cartoon witch
me: Broom Hilda was driving that car
Drew: I WISH
Drew: boner CIT-TAY
me: DLEW, YOU RICKA MY POOSAY
Drew: your magic pussy
me: YOU RICKA MY POOSAY NOW ELSE I DLIVE ON YOU SIDERALK
Drew: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA
me: oh, racism

[10:34] paul at sonic: were all the teachers super jacked black guys
[10:34] Bigteef100: uh
[10:34] paul at sonic: with wraparound shades
[10:35] paul at sonic: (this is kind of how i picture florida)

staaaaaaan: you know how to get in touch with the and1 announcer
staaaaaaan: i had this idea of getting him to order a sandwich at subway
while filming him
and him providing commentary as each ingredient is added
me: That sounds amazing.
staaaaaaan: and then using that video to pitch a series of viral videos to espn
me: SICK WIT IT SPINACH MOVE
OH BAY-BEEEEEEEEEE
50 CENT EXTRA
WORTH IT, YA HURD
staaaaaaan: yesssss

1:01 AM me: JOPY
joeynelson: oh god
1:02 AM me: me and JARF YOU HATER THE JARF

me: I don't know, Paul, we've lost it.
Paul: women aren't attracted to this jarf
they don't like men who are BATSHIT INSANE
me: so tru
Paul: FUCK EM
SNOPY FOREVER AND EVER
me: that explains why I am sitting around naked as a jaybird listening to sad folk music
Paul: i am hours away from getting drunk again

Paul: Snopy discreetly barfs up his Lunchables ham and cheese crackers behind the 7-11. That bully won't leave him alone. He's done nothing wrong. Why'd they have to move? Is life always gonna be this tough?

i miss you, paul.

me: I mean, my bday is in september and the OS would be a perfect gift
I'm gonna hassle the shit out of you for that OS-Dell.
staaaaaaan: watermelon sox hat
watermelon sox hat
me: You watch.


me: Hey Stan, you remember that article you sent me about that Dell Mini? And how it could be an OS?
That would be AWESOME.
September to remember for sure. 22nd to be exact.
staaaaaaan: watermelon.
me: racist
what will all the black red sox fans th
staaaaaaan: tru

me: boner police woulda had me locked up
jsmckinney@gmail.com: maybe youd be locked up
but the best was already freed
the *beast
me: no, its the best
boner's best fresh north carolina chickens
if it's not "the best," you're getting boned.
john: wow 3 people just looked at me because i laughed really loud at that

Paul: long live omgtru
me: death to all who speaks its name in vain

[10:19] Bigteef100: did you see that 'whalerider' movie?
[10:19] paul at sonic: i haven't
[10:19] paul at sonic: was she maori
[10:19] paul at sonic: i'd hit it
[10:19] paul at sonic: wait is she adult yet
[10:19] Bigteef100: she was like 7
[10:20] paul at sonic: oh i'm thinking of another movie
[10:20] paul at sonic: uhh
[10:20] paul at sonic: charlies angels

Drew:
Adam Jeffers: WHAT THE
Drew: i'm gonna market myself as "The Human Kush"
Drew: rent my peen out to sleepin' ladeez
Adam Jeffers: you know if you are the human kush, you have to refrain from poking them in the jaw with your peen while they sleep
Drew: true
Drew: but since i'll be charging $55 a night, i'll have to learn restraint
Drew: Drew James: Kush For Hire
Drew: NO FATTIES
Drew: that's my business card

tonysquares: that is a cool comic
tonysquares: and it's accurate too
tonysquares: men do love threesomes to the point of folly

1:06:12 PM ayeoshawty: How old you
1:06:21 PM whatsupjoey: 67
1:06:52 PM ayeoshawty: Are you serious
1:07:18 PM whatsupjoey: what's wrong with that
1:23:51 PM ayeoshawty: Youuuur fucking old

me: this is disappointing on many levels
Paul: did it have ice cream in it
me: on much of it, yes
Paul: i do enjoy ice cream cake on occasion
me: I am devastated by this

joey: paul if MAYES needed a kidney and you were the only match
joey: would you donate one of yours
paul: sure i guess
joey: oh god paul bad news
paul: whats up joey
joey: they left a few sponges inside of you after the operation
paul: well that can't do too much d
joey: and a cassette copy of "please hammer don't hurt 'em"
joey: MAYES is doing great though
paul: i loved the music during the operation
joey: yeah that's interesting because i know they were playing tone loc during the operation
joey: i'm not sure where the hammer tape came from
paul: no it was a mix of older rap
joey: oh paul i'm sorry i hate to have to tell you this
joey: there was a mixup
joey: they give one of your kidneys to tone loc
joey: and the other to mc hammer
joey: you have no kidneys now
paul: what about mayes
paul: i only have two joey
joey: you have some late 80s/early 90s rap cassettes where your kidneys should be
joey: mayes is dying
paul: nothing has changed
joey: well
joey: the good news is hammer & tone loc are doing great
joey: the bad news is you and mayes are going to die
joey: that seems like a small price to pay
joey: paul do you have any final requests
joey: a last meal perhaps
paul: sure
paul: how about a pizza
joey: oh great i know the perfect place
joey: paul what kind of toppings would you like
paul: hmm
paul: pepperoni and sausage
joey: ok great i've got the order in, that'll be here in no time
joey: would you like to watch some tv, judge joe brown is on
paul: can we change it
paul: i'd like to watch the black judge
joey: great great
joey: oh good news the pizza is here
joey: oh bad news i thin they messed up the order
paul: let me guess
paul: pickle relish
joey: well
joey: yeah it appears to be pickle relish
joey: at least a triple order
paul: i'll just have some peanut m&ms from the vending m
joey: this crust is pretty doughy too

darryl: what does "clusty" mean?
in the context of chillin with your man rusty?
me: In the sense of the word that you would be blowing off of the burner kind of dusty?
Scholars maintain that no one really knows the word's actual meaning
darryl: i concur
apparently clusty is a search engine
me: oh
well, then, ghost was searching the internet for bob digitech, perhaps
darryl: both his hands are typing into clusty?
to search a way to get the rust off of his side arm?
me: perhaps
darryl: naval jelly
me: I gotta say, though, searching the internet for b digi is a tough job
needs two hands
darryl: after aluminum foil
me: wait, what?
darryl: lotso f letters
me: indeed

squares: lol i just got a fax where the guy called me Anthony Holton
squares: which is funny because it was in response to a fax i sent him that had my full name on it
me: sounds like an honest typo
me: have you seen the tiger woods fart video?

darryl: pretty sure marcus vick is working at a gas station in norfolk
me: maybe emporia
norfolk is a tough place toget a job right now
he's huffing gas in Warshaw off I-85
On his way to see his new high-school girlfriend in Manassas
darryl: quite a drive just for a girl
me: she's really special, Darryl
she might be the one
darryl: hmm
apples might be a miracle hangover cure

Palubat: don't know about the sauce
RICH BOY SELLIN JARVES FAKE RANDYS WANNA JACK JUST BOUGHT A SNATALAC
me: sauce would be nice, I think

me: So, I ordered Leah Remini for you to celebrate the Jarf Festival.
A gift for you.
She's in the office bathroom.
Palubat: SWEEEEET
me: Nude, oiled.
Palubat: oboy
me: Let's head over, shall we?
So, we'll just flip the lights on here.
Palubat: this was a very nice gesture jarf
me: Oh, fuck.
It's Rhea Pearlman.
I asked for Remini.
Palubat: wait
me: Well, good luck.
Palubat: ok we can go now
turn the light off
jarf
turn the l
me: *Door locks
Palubat: wait
HELP
me: NONO
It's fine.
Palubat: OH FUCK DE VITO IS UNDER HER
me: Just get it over with
we'll get you a burger and fries after all this
Palubat: WHY JARF WHY
me: but I paid a lot of money
and this is really rude of you
Palubat: SHES PRESENTING
me: wow, DeVito grunts more than I thought he would
Palubat: its really loud too
deafening


Congratulations IM Highlights on your 200th anniversary.

that's about how much i expected him to grunt

[15:22] Bigteef100: hey paul?
[15:22] paul at sonic: yes jared
[15:22] Bigteef100: 'gucci mane' is a really fucking stupid name

rackin em up here at work today

[16:33] shredongtr: what pills will make us feel like we're floating
[16:34] paul at sonic: cialis
[16:34] shredongtr: thats cock shit you moron

[12:50] Bigteef100: i'm doing pretty good too
[12:50] Bigteef100: thanks for asking
[12:50] paul at sonic: well this is good news all around
[12:51] Bigteef100: though i have an incurable thirst for water
[12:51] Bigteef100: i cant drink enough of it
[12:51] Bigteef100: i dont know why
[12:51] paul at sonic: well water is plentiful around these parts
[12:51] Bigteef100: or what suddenly brought this on
[12:51] Bigteef100: but water
[12:51] Bigteef100: boy
[12:51] paul at sonic: so i say indulge as much as you want
[12:51] Bigteef100: that sure is great
[12:51] Bigteef100: i love it
[12:51] Bigteef100: i cant drink enough of it
[12:51] Bigteef100: to tell you the truth
[12:51] paul at sonic: yes water is a great wonder isn't it
[12:51] Bigteef100: if i could drink water all day
[12:51] Bigteef100: i would
[12:51] paul at sonic: very refreshing
[12:51] Bigteef100: i mean
[12:51] paul at sonic: well i tell you jared
[12:51] Bigteef100: it supposedly doesnt have much flavor
[12:51] paul at sonic: i mean not to toot my own horn
[12:51] Bigteef100: but i really like drinking it
[12:51] Bigteef100: i mean
[12:51] paul at sonic: but i drink quite a bit of water you know
[12:51] Bigteef100: i cant really get enough
[12:51] Bigteef100: i drink it all day
[12:51] Bigteef100: i just love it
[12:52] Bigteef100: in big cups
[12:52] Bigteef100: in little cups
[12:52] paul at sonic: it proves that our lord really did have a divine plan for us
[12:52] Bigteef100: in small tiny cups
[12:52] Bigteef100: with alcohol
[12:52] paul at sonic: to provide us with such a refreshing beverage
[12:52] Bigteef100: i just love drinking it
[12:52] paul at sonic: seas of it
[12:52] Bigteef100: over and over again
[12:52] Bigteef100: through straws
[12:52] Bigteef100: you name
[12:52] paul at sonic: hey you don't have to tell me
[12:52] Bigteef100: boy paul
[12:52] Bigteef100: do you like water too?
[12:52] paul at sonic: i think a nice cold glass of ice water is just about as good as it gets
[12:52] Bigteef100: cool
[12:52] paul at sonic: i vomited blood last night

me: LIZE
Emily: nah
me: well, you are big smelly fathead
quoted from the jarf gazette
Emily: that was downright rude
me: the reporter claims to have good sources

[11:09] paul at sonic: oh god disgusting check this out
[11:09] paul at sonic: at age 16, he became a member of the All-American Skeet Team
[11:09] paul at sonic: wait nevemind its not what i thought

xero: so how was the party after i departed?
bigmike: OH MAN!
bigmike: Remember that hot girl I was all up on?
bigmike: We ended up making out the rest of the night!
xero: yew mean yer cousin?
bigmike: She's like my 3rd cousin, so it really doesn't count.
xero: yew know, there's a word fer that...
bigmike: Yeah, kissing cousins! ROFL!
xero: no, that's a phrase... the word fer that is incest

Burton: thmak yo(u)
me: twelcommr
Burton: you spelled that wron
me: lewron james
Burton: better

SH: and its too gross to go for a walk. what kind of beer were you drinking last night
me: no idea. one was called autumn maple
SH: haha
me: but then i switched to something the bartender kept giving me
SH: i read that too fast and thought it said autumn rape

Drucifer: GODDAMN
Drucifer: Thunderpoop
Me: Thunderpoop? have you been poopin' this whole time?
Drucifer: i WISH
Drucifer: no
Drucifer: i pooped on account of the mexican food i ate beforehand
Me: phew
Me: solid or nonsolid?
Me: UNsolid, I mean
Drucifer: TOTES SOLID
Drucifer: but not TOO solid
Drucifer: worked out nicely
Me: that is awesome
Me: yesterday I took a HUGE, TOTALLY SOLID, medium-brown dump
Me: like, the very definition of a TURD
Me: I was really proud of it
Me: I would've taken a picture but I was in the middle of a video game
Drucifer: i would feel slightly similar about this poo
Drucifer: though it came in waves
Drucifer: it wasn't a single turd
Me: cleanup? was it a chore to wipe afterward or was it like swip-swipe and you're done?
Me: or somewhere in the middle?
Drucifer: three trips to the spool
Drucifer: no biggie
Me: standard
Me: that's good
Me: that's a good one
Drucifer: yeah
Drucifer: no flushing problems
Drucifer: didn't even feel obligated to monitor the flushing
Me: congratulations
Me: you have taken a professional dump
Me: I wonder what it's like when those are what you do everytime?
Drucifer: I WOULD HAVE NOOOO IDEA
Drucifer: that would scare me
Drucifer: variety's the spice of life
Me: I'd sort of like to count on when my poops would come and how difficult they'll be to pass and concurrently do away with afterward
Me: I'm in no way what you would call "regular"
Drucifer: you don't want to have missionary sex all the time!
Me: no, but I'd like to get off everytime, you know?
Drucifer: sometimes you wanna fuck on a gravel driveway, or up against the wall in the dressing room at Gymboree!
Me: I guess that's true, but that's more like the eating
Me: pooping is the end result, and the end result is GETTIN' OFF
Drucifer: true
Me: it's like, what if you're coming and then all the sudden it BURNS
Me: or you're coming and then it just won't come out anymore
Me: or you almost came but then you didn't and now your balls hurt
Me: no matter how I get there, I wanna make sure my load gets shot and that I feel like a stack of thousand dollar bills afterward
Me: because if you have really great sex and then oh OH you're about to come and she, like, jerks her body to the side like a spaz and CRONCH bends your dick in half
Drucifer: that would suck big time
Me: it immediately goes half-limp and you're mad at her and you want her to go home
Me: that's sort of like getting all excited about OOH I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT and then sitting down with your magazine or iPhone or whatever and then all you do is *ffrt*
Me: and you can still feel the poop in you
Me: but it ain't goin' ANYWHERE
Drucifer: and then i'm so mad about not getting to read Twitter while i shit that i just sit there anyway since my pants are already off
Drucifer: fuck it
Me: exactly, so you just sit there, pushing, redfaced until your butthole hurts and you have a headache
Me: and then give up and slide your pants back up feeling like you got cheated out of something amazing
Me: story of my life, man
Me: they wrote that song about ME

John: why the fuck am i listening to the alkaline trio
this is too gay
me: oh
I think you just came out to me
John: haha
me: Lily is going to be disappointed.
John: i think she would
switched to Deadguy.... MUCH better
me: yeah good thinking
listening to alkaline trio is like listening to nutless Hot Water Music
John: or like listening to Hot Water Music with more nuts
only theyre on your face
slapping you repeatedly
maybe a dick or two across your forehead
me: a constant smattering of nut sweat across your delicate chin
John: a dainty mustache of schmegma
me: I am pretty sure that I am going to kill myself now
John: hahaha

[17:23] paul at sonic: i'm saying, he's old enough that he could have spent seven years back in the 80s doing that shit and by now you wouldn't really know it
[17:24] Bigteef100: how do you figure?
[17:24] paul at sonic: you are doing this deliberately to infuriate me
[17:24] Bigteef100: no.. i just have no idea what you're getting at
[17:24] paul at sonic: i find it fascinating that on a regular basis you have no way of comprehending what i say to you
[17:24] Bigteef100: what do you mean?

smalldosesofhope: who is jopy?!
me: jopy badman
smalldosesofhope: ?
me: he's mad at me because I posted pictures of clubbed baby seals to his website
it's a long story
smalldosesofhope: alrighty then
me: I lead an exciting life.

Burton: what we really need is $100,000 to make out own .tru extension
me: THY WILL BE DONE
Burton: godspeed on all of your jarfing
me: ok turns out none of my coworkers are into giving me 100,000
sucks
Burton: did you do the trick where you put some of your own change in a can
that gives the impression others have already committed
that's how we bought Rhode Island from the aliens
me: good point
American History was never my strong point.
Burton: trust me it's true

Palubat: think i'm getting a cold
gime drinj
me: okok
getting my name changed to jarf from jerff on omgtru
it is the only way
Palubat: tru
me: tru

whatsupjoey: Burton I obtained a flask
whatsupjoey: LEVEL UP
12:12 PM
whatsupjoey has gone offline.

me: hey shitreader
John: sup dong bone
me: excited about partying down at the dong palace
getting amped to dick the place down if you feel me
John: dude
me: you know? really get in there and put a deep bone all over the apt
John: it will be awesome/boneful
me: yeah, I can't wait for you to see the erection that is my atmospheric touch
I party "hard," if you know what I mean
John: hahaha
me: can we talk about band practice?

joey: paul i'm going to bring back "homey don't play that"
joey: what do you think
joey: are you on board
paul: I say that rather frequently
joey: so you're on board
paul: I am on board
joey: just to be clear, this is my thing
joey: i'm doing this
joey: you are just on board
paul: Uh
paul: Well I say it from time to time joey
joey: yeah but i'm bringing it back
paul: Do I get to say it?
joey: yeah of course
joey: but if anyone asks you about it, let them know that i'm the one spearheading this movement
paul: Oh cool. I'm on board
joey: also you have to be naked when you say it
paul: Uh

bigteef100: does that make you sad?
paul at sonic: no that makes me relieved actually
bigteef100: why's that?
paul at sonic: well it affords me greater range with what i can come up with
paul at sonic: for example i could put "RIVERSIDE CITY COLLEGE"
bigteef100: this is going to be about a serial killer or something
paul at sonic: and the hint would be "where cheri jo bates was brutally murdered by the zodiac in october of 1966"
bigteef100: isnt it

me: Don't you mean Ike Turner?
smalldosesofhope: no no
a common error though
me: Well, Ike is pretty terrific.
I think you should pencil him in.
I'll make a call.
He'll be at your apartment in an hour.
Nude and shivering.
I'll give him the spare keys I have.
So he can let himself in.
smalldosesofhope: ohhh sweet...like a welcome home present
how thoughtful
me: indeed
he may need a shower and a hot meal
I should mention,
he's blindingly drunk and making lots of racial slurs.
He may threaten violence, but he's just playing around.
smalldosesofhope: ohhh
good to know
don't want to misconstrue that
me: yeah, so I'll just set all this up
you'll be Mrs. Ike Turner in no time.
congrats
This helps me too, since he has been in my house throwing eggs against the wall for a week now.
smalldosesofhope: oh sure...pawn your problem off on me
me: hey, true love is worth it

me: gime
gime drinsk
with some rominute pls
lightly greased
Palubat: the rominute is all sold out
we have none left
me: fucking cocksucker
Palubat: excuse me sir?
me: I said lucky rock splitters
they got the last ones-- over at the table near the window
I'll have the frimpkimn
frosted
and gime drinsk
Palubat: here's drinsk
me: oh good
Palubat: for the frimpkimn, i'm afraid we have no more frosting
me: bitch-mouthed fools
Palubat: say what now?
me: I was commenting on how the ditches in the south pool
with water
in the rain
I was watching history channel programming before I came.
I'll have a plate of retsinos.
Stuffed with gritorma cheese.
Palubat: i'm afraid we're unable to serve you
me: well isn't that nifty
you dickfucking immigrant

do texts count

Yes, they count.

me: hi paul
hello
how are you
can I help you with anything today?
Palubat: hello
THE PAIN
YOU MEAN NOT WHAT YOU SAY
me: good to talk to you
Palubat: THE WORDS, THEY ARE FLOATING ON WAVES OF DISDAIN
JUST LIKE ME
me: always a pleasure to see that smiling face of yours
Palubat: like me like you like the randyman
me: ok, well, lunchtime! See you soon!
Palubat: *WEEPS

Palubat is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Palubat comes online.

me: do you think if i make myself a 'drunj' t-shirt i owe jeff a royalty?
me: because i don't have that kind of dough
whatsupjoey: patent pending
me: did he patent getting drunk itself, or just drunj as a style?
whatsupjoey: burton he's been filing meritless patents for years
me: hey joey, i'm making drump t-shirts, want one?

Jeff: MOTHER
FDUCK
LKFDNWSIOFNSON
RFUOICKIRCKFDI
me: its fun to read those really fast and force yourself to make them mean something
R U FUCK RICKI
LEFT ON WEDINSON
Jeff: KJBIFAUSEDG(UGN
me: KGB PAUSE GUN
this is like code from god
i just spit out an entire mouthful of water laughing
i think this has to do with being hopped up on cold medicine

Palubat: have you seen jerry
i asked him to do some work on the broiler in the kitchen
we need to enlarge it
me: bastard
Palubat: he said he'd check it out
excuse me
me: oh, uh, my favorite sports team lost
I was mad
not intended for your ears, though
Palubat: i see
do you know where i could get a kiddie pool on short notice
me: nah
Palubat: and does costco sell huge quantities of marinade?
me: son of a bitch
Palubat: what
me: sorry, i was just looking at the newest news on the health care bill
disturbing
Palubat: indeed
me: no, I don't know where to find that stuff
Palubat: i am going to broil you and eat you
me: cocksucker
Palubat: excuse me?
me: you heard me
you suck cock

Palubat: BRUTON
me: I think he loves that nickname

me: BRUTON
BRTUTON
BRUTPONTPN
Burton: which one of us?
we're all here

Dan: ah roger
i'll hire you to eat my balls
me: how much?
and for how long?
Dan: 0 dollars
for the rest of your life
me: I don't want to make a career of this
let's say 6 months for 60,000 dollars
Dan: yikes
that's a little much
me: compromise: 30,000
it's the exact middle
Dan: 0
me: um, I appreciate the offer, but I have to go elsewhere.
Dan: farts

me: hangover setting in
jarf dying
Patreesha: quick ... the vitamin water!
me: IT'S TOO FAR AWAY
JUST LEAVE ME HERE
SAVE YOURSELF
Patreesha: no!!! i'll never leave you!!!
we're going out TOGETHER
:PEW PEW PEW:
ahhh they got meee
me: PATREESHA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
:drops to knees:
YOU BASTARDS
Patreesha: jeff.... jeffrey..
me: don't you die on me
Patreesha: before i die...
me: you're gonna be fine
Patreesha: i must... cough tell you,
LISTEN TO MEEE
COUGH COUGH
me: it's just a flesh wound
Patreesha: i must tell you where the treasure is
the.. treasure..
is buried...
in...
the...
TREASURE CHEST
death rattle
oh wait you're right, it IS a flesh wound
me: Yeah, it's not that bad.
And the gunshots seem to have stopped.
We can probably just walk to the car.
Patreesha: oh cool, there's vitamin water in the back
ew it's hot from being in the sun
me: meh
I'll still drink it.
Patreesha: ew i dont like the purple kind! i specifically asked for yellow!
me: yeah me too
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Patreesha: : PEW PEW PEW:
me: YOU BASTARDS

paul at sonic: (1:21:19 PM) i was eating a giant mexican sandwich and watching c-span last night
paul at sonic: (1:21:27 PM) when i realized my life really is going slowly downhill
paul at sonic: (1:21:33 PM) but so gradually that the days all seem the same
rbx6jm: (1:21:37 PM) nair a mexican sandwich is a taco

jerff: you gotta strike through you comment on bros icing bros
jerff: ALL CAPS BRO

darryl: every time she turns around, curtis jackson is snitchin
EVERY TIME
me: IT'S UNBEARABLE

Burton: jeff [REDACTED] until the fire is [REDACTED] quaking illuminated skylights of cerulean [REDACTED] thin ice lines, someday, i suppose.
but then again [REDACTED]
me: Well, we've got the containment unit in [REDACTED] portions of fire-ridden [REDACTED] children out of there
so [REDACTED] be fine
Burton: Understood. [REDACTED]. Tankinis.
me: great to hear from you
Burton: even redacted, i'm always here
me: I'll send your regards to [REDACTED} LORD THE FLAMES
Burton: Oh, thanks, I [REDACTED] until the 14 [REDACTED] hearts, and blood, so much [REDACTED].
me: Yeah, I [REDACTED] mostly her body [REDACTED] like a coiled snake would [REDACTED] on top of the crane.
Burton: [REDACTED] or so but [REDACTED] lulz, [REDACTED]. Murdered.
me: [REDACTED] merrily until the [REDACTED] lobsters [REDACTED] into her vagina. Shit was [REDACTED].
Burton: [REDACTED] [REDACTED]
me: yep

burton: joey
me: butterton
burton: jpoey
me: butane
burton: jooy.
me: bartsley
burton: joey
me: fffffffffffff

me: MCKINNEY
YOU ASSBONG
YOU'RE FIRED
John: FIRED FROM AWESOMENESS
and hired by douchebaggz, inc
me: promotion, more money, 401K
John: its actually a 402k!
thats one better!
me: yeah, I upgraded that model
get lifted
John: yeah apparently if you unlock it, you can reinstall the upgrade
me: ALL DAY WE SMOKE GARDEN
John: gardenvarietybongrippa
me: I have lost my mind

Jopy: jarf i went to college and i still don't get it
i went to "college"
me: the giraffe dies at the end

that convo was re: a toys 'r' us commercial

Jopy: i haven't seen a good bus stabbing in months
me: you should come
and bring that babby
Jopy: i can't see any reason not to bring my child to that

me: BRUTON
Burton: jfrlf
me: THEY NMADE ME A CARCASS
Burton: noe
me: HE WAS OUT IN THE FLUFF
WATER DITCH
Burton: oh, makes sense

me: hey your website is looking really good
me: http://www.marvelousmanboobs.com/
emily: I'm not even clicking

me: http://riveronmirror.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/max-wright-_alf_star-_on_crack1.jpg
me: HOW DID I MISS THIS
paul: joey there was like an entire movie made about this
paul: back in like 1992
me: oh yeah that movie where the dad from alf pays homeless men for sex and smokes crack
paul: HEY WILLY
paul: (alf impression)
paul: god these pita chips are delicious

emily: earlier today I was thinking about how people reveal themselves as assholes with a single sentence
emily: I came up with the following
emily: "I don't even own a TV"
emily: "I enjoy fine wines"
emily: "I guess you could call me a foodie"
emily: (or anything ending in 'foodie')
emily: "Well, the bible says..."
emily: are these spot on or what
me: so spot on
me: "Have you read Atlas Shrugged?"

rbx6jm: ever just have trouble breathing just sitting there
two step flow: no but i wake up screaming quite a bit now
rbx6jm: close enough
two step flow: not really screaming more like saying "UNNNNNNNHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" really loudly and with rising pitch
rbx6jm: i do the exact same thing
rbx6jm: thumbs
rbx6jm: actually shorter bursts
rbx6jm: but you get the picture

me: heads up surf ninjas on hbo family right now
mayes: :/

two step flow: kit kats good
rbx6jm: no sharin
rbx6jm: sharon
rbx6jm: the ausbornes
rbx6jm: eddie murphy hug
rbx6jm: losin my mind nars

John: rowdy
well have a good trip back homes
me: I smell like a rotten pig distillery
John: see ya soon
LOL

two step flow: theres no better feeling than crossing the goal line, spiking the ball, and doing an intricate touchdown celebration with bob schieffer
two step flow: ours involved finger pistols shooting at each other
two step flow: god i'm really losing my mind

randysterling: soulja boy also needs to be stopped
me: he wants to meet you
randysterling: seriously
me: yeah he wants to have breakfast with you tomorrow
randysterling: im down
me: alright remember to wear the pumps and iron the skirt first, its wrinkled
me: don't worry about a wig or makeup though.
randysterling: umm, im just gonna wear my usual clothes
me: nah he's not gonna be down with that
randysterling: im not a tranny, i dont feel comfortable doing this, tell him im sorry but i have to respectfully decline
me: its really nothing you just show up in the skirt and heels sit in a booth boom you get your breakfast don't fuck this up for me i spent a lot of time putting it together
randysterling: but i dont wanna
randysterling: its weird
me: its not that weird, this is business. sometimes you have to give the client what they want
me: and besides the waffles are great at this place
randysterling: question, what exactly do you mean by client
me: oh you know, the person you do business with. hey make sure you shower right before you go there ok?
randysterling: this doesnt feel safe, im gonna have to back out, sorry
me: randy unfortunately it's not optional at this point. now make sure to do up your toenails real nice tonight
me: he likes light blue polish
randysterling: thats it, im just gonna walk up the FDR drive in the middle lane and hope someone takes pity on me
me: randy don't do it. soulja boy isn't going to hurt you and you're going to make me a lot of money off of this
randysterling: too late
randysterling: goodbye figgit
me: randy don't do this it's my ticket to riches
me: just let soulja boy make love to you
randysterling: looks like poverty from here on out for you champ
me: ok how about lunch with xzibit
me: NO sex involved
me: for you
me: ok?
randysterling: what do you mean for me
me: you will not have to have sex with xzibit
me: guaranteed
randysterling: i dont have to have sex with anyone i dont want to right
me: you can't, we included that in your contract. you are legally prevented from having sex with anyone involved in this business deal.
me: so it's all good
randysterling: sweet
randysterling: im down
me: great let me introduce you to the other partners in this meeting
me: let's see
me: beyonce, mya, some woman named pinky
me: ok they want to meet with me and xzibit privately
me: we're gonna be a while
me: you just cool out in the restaurant
me: um, the cook will make you some french fries
randysterling: deal goes bad, i spray up the joint and put one in my dome when im finished, hope it was worth it
me: it wasn't
me: we spent the whole time at the hotel watching xzibit do his bill clinton impression
me: the ladies didn't even take off their coats
me: it was a really shitty impression too

classic paul & randy

paul: joey h&m sure is full of gaywads
joey: yeah i think it's exclusively gaywads paul
paul: i certainly did not see anyone there who would enjoy having sex with a woman
paul: EXCEPT FOR ME
paul: EXCEPT FOR M
joey: paul i understand you enjoy having sex with women
joey: please accept this gift as a reward for all your hard work lately
joey: *rhea perlman enters your office in a slinky neglige*
paul: :-(
joey: *carrying a bucket of pickle relish*
paul: :-( :-(
paul: something fucking stinks in here and it can't be me

me: stand by for a personal message from rap star T.I.
randysterling: is he live from prison
me: hey what up pimpin, yuh homey paul told me yous a big fan mane
me: listen pimpin i just wanna big up pimp squad click uhhh check out my patna young dro he gotta new mixtape uh
me: shout out to you for bein a big fan mane you know uh real recognize real
and uh
randysterling: young dro is pretty whack
me: GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE HELP ME PIMPIN THEY DONE RAPED ME MANE
randysterling: and make sure you dont drop the soap big homey
me: ok let's all thank T.I.
me: nice to hear from him
me: and let's all wish him the best
randysterling: bye T.I.

paul: i really hope i'm not a shitty dude
paul: like i would hate to wake up
paul: and realize
paul: oh i'm one of those shitty dudes
paul: maybe i should style my hair like guy fieri
joey: you should adopt the fieri lifestyle paul
joey: RAISE YOUR GAME
paul: ok ok
paul: joey i got bleach all over the bathroom

two step flow: joey i made you some ritz cracker philly cheesesteak bites
two step flow: guy fieri showed me how
whatsupjoey: wow paul you really RAISED YOUR GAME
two step flow: why are you throwing them in the tr
whatsupjoey: great work paul

Palubat: you bastard
do you have a wii
me: not hooked up yet
I have the google tv
it has netfkix
I just haven't hooked it up yet
Palubat: oh ok well google "MIKE DOUGIE STAY RAPIN BITCHES"
and i'm sure you'll find it
me: my eyes keep watering

joey: paul check out this review from D.J. Woods: http://www.amazon.com/review/R1RU6FWFEHD95D/ref=cm_cr_dp_perm?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B00004OCOC&nodeID=284507&tag=&linkCode=
paul: kind of bizarre there at the end
joey: paul on a scale of 1-10 how would you rate that review
paul: 9.7
joey: great news paul, i've optioned the content of that review and i'm working on a spec screenplay as we speak
joey: i'm traveling to hollywood next week to pitch it to producers
paul: this person seems like he's either a really normal, nice person or a complete psychopath
joey: i'm talking to Dax Shepard's people, he would be perfect for the D.J. Woods role
paul: no in between
joey: Amy Adams as the girlfriend
joey: Betty White as the mom, she's huge right now
paul: its the part she was born to play joey
paul: can't get enough betty white
paul: she's on fire
joey: oh she will literally be on fire
joey: in the third act
paul: i'm thinking cameo by pop superstar DRAKE
paul: as the next door neighbor
paul: with a lot of lady visitors ; )
paul: "when are you gonna settle down, bill! have some soup" -- dj woods
paul: that's the climax of the film
paul: joey the budget estimates are in
joey: how do we look
paul: even with moving production to canada this thing is estimated to cost 400 million dollars
paul: and i can't haggle with ILM
joey: fffffffffffff
paul: strike the set
joey: ok we're going to have to recast
joey: paul do you still have corky from life goes on's number
paul: joey he's not picking up
joey: paul try his cell
joey: this is important
paul: joey he's really screaming at me
paul: how can a guy with down's syndrome have such a vocabulary!

two step flow: they gave me a couple of bread triangles
two step flow: useful
two step flow: for sopping up the soup remains
two step flow: what have i done with my life
rbx6jm: gime osap

randysterling: would officially get freaked out
randysterling: is he a genie
me: uh yeah
me: he's gonna give you three wishes
me: rub his lamp
randysterling: uh
me: thats how it works you butthole
me: haven't you seen the movies
randysterling: fine
me: GROSS HE'S JACKING JADAKISS OFF

me: do it when you get a chance
and take that Joey with you
he seems like a nice fellow
you two could really "hit it" off
randysterling: he cuts me
me: yeah, he's a great guy
he told me he fancies you
randysterling: but the scars
me: he is a churchgoing man
good morals
good integrity
he'll treat you right
if you talk slick? he'll beat you right
like the bible intended
randysterling: but he shanked some old lady last week for no reason
me: Ha, he's still got it.
I've been murdering dolphins for years, Randy. In cold blood.
randysterling: why would you do that
their our friends
me: THEY'VE HAD THEIR TIME
randysterling: good point

me: lemme ask you something: when eating elk aorta-- do you cut headways or leeward?
pavearrow: leeward
dude, google that shit

me: Yeah, he's been a total bust since
Maybe he has trouble seeing out of his [REDACTED RACIAL SLUR]
Miles: LOL
crushed it
Miles: maybe he's distracted by the brutal destruction of Pearl [REDACTED HISTORICAL REFERENCE]
me: I think this might be revenge for us bombing [REDACTED JAPANESE CITY NAMES]
Miles: [REDACTED JOKE BECAUSE IT'S WAY TOO SOON AND REALLY IS QUITE HORRIBLE]
me: [REDACTED LOL]

me: boner chill pill
WARNING: boner chill pills have been found to cause permanent penis thinning in most men
me: i didn't give a shit about prince charles either, right?
johnny: speaking of penis thinnining...
me: penis theremin
prince penis
me: can you google image search "prince penis" for me and let me know if that rap name is taken?
johnny: i can not do that for you

randysterling: false allegations
me: shit stained blue suit found in your car

paul: joey i found an interesting update to the zodiac killer case
joey: what's the latest paul
paul: america's most wanted profiled it on their website and they have previously unseen photo of darlene ferrin with some dude that no one can identify:

joey: paul i've been running some analysis on that photo
joey: it looks like it was doctored
joey: luckily i was able to recover the original image:

joey: what does this mean
paul: i was asking where the bathroom was

me: so, semen go-gurt, dead bats, outdoor drinking?
I'm excited.
randysterling: best summer ever

me: I can't imagine a black guy saying that.
Palubat: black man pet cat
me: ANSWER THE QUESTION PAUL
Palubat: white dudes