Palubat: i know nothing good will come of this can he be handcuffed at least me: yes me: so you'll go? Palubat: yeah if he's handcuffed me: GROSS HE'S ENTERING MURS' CAVE Palubat: sure is slimy in here me:sound of car speeding off Palubat: odamn
two step flow: would you have lunch at pf changs with plies Jon Mayes: who's paying two step flow: him Jon Mayes: yes two step flow: he's extremely self conscious Jon Mayes: i'll walk him through the menu two step flow: seems to have never seen a napkin before Jon Mayes: get real loose on sake two step flow: yep he's crying now two step flow: wow Jon Mayes: check please two step flow: he's waving the waiters away
RYNAD: only hope is that Kevin Durant will sho up at my apt and start draining dirty clothes into my hamper me: oh man he'd drop 200 on you RYNAD: easy me: but that one time you block the pants from getting in the hamper? Greatest day of your life. RYNAD: I'd be all like "GET THAT DENIM OUT OF HERE GET THAT DENIM OUT OF HERE" bunch of back dudes in my room with their mouths covered going "OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH" *black me: I imagined back dudes, now there's nothingness.
me: paul Palubat: hi me: I want to tell you something but you can't tell anyone else Palubat: ok me: MY MONEY LONG LIKE SLEEVES Palubat: i told randy me: ffffff Palubat: (he was going to the bathroom) me: fffffff
whatsupjoey: no thanks i have responsibilities at home paul two step flow: oh don't worry joey two step flow: the DUNGEON FAMILY have kindly offered to see over things at home during your trip two step flow: joey big ghipp can't seem to find the paper towels can you tell him wh whatsupjoey: paul what is big gipp doing with my food processor two step flow: lol
me: Oh yeah, I'm all sadded up. I'm on my nothing means anything grind. I am not a bird. Tedd: I am not a football team. me: I am not a falling leaf. I am not a remote control. Tedd: Everything I do is not art. me: Give me the cheetos and I will eat them.
Palubat: : L me: how is it? Palubat: it's terrible me: FREAK U I got my degree in social engineering online at FREAK U Palubat: i got my wisdom teeth extracted at FREAKNIK me: that woman won't no dentist but DAT AZZ
two step flow: moonday two step flow: night two step flow: flotbals Jon Mayes: oboy two step flow: ARE YOU R two step flow: RR two step flow: RRRRRR Jon Mayes: andy two step flow: ARE YOU RRR R RR two step flow: R RR two step flow: RR Jon Mayes: he's flooded again two step flow: pump the ass two step flow: gas two step flow: gas two step flow: i meant to say g Jon Mayes: :(
Kris: did you know milk comes from eyeballs me: even breastmilk? wait, what? Kris: yes all milk we're changing it me: let's do it I'm all eyes on this one Kris: I took out an ad on FM radio gonna run during Casey Kasem me: frequency modulation, I like it that Kasem is going places Kris: i'll shoot you some choice lines me: he's the voice of the transformers generation Kris: *** represents a really loud goose honking noise that I dropped two octaves using a guitar pedal *
Narrator: HEY MILK
Narrator: COMES OUT OF EYEBALLS NOW
EVEN THE BOOB ONE AND THE COW ONES AND WE ALSO INVENTED A FROG ONE
me: GOATS GOATS GOATS we need a website to shout otherwise, that's perfect
* CHECK US OUT AT MILK COMES FROM EYEBALLS DOT NET
Kris: TEXT "MILK SECRET" TO 555 FOR THE SECRET ON HOW WE DID IT. OK, I'LL JUST TELL YOU. WE KILLED TONY MEOLA.
Randy: is there any place for me on this earth (looks up at sky) me: man, courtney cox's character in masters of the universe was stupid to think that was her real mom and she just gave her the damned machine? oman it was actually evil-lyn
3:40 AM Kris: Just had a fucking virtuoso cabbie performance Made it known early on that he didn't trade in small talk. Let his abilities a professional driver of humans trade in... BIG TALK One man automotive pick and rolls. The driver was Stockton, but his insatiable driver DNA was Malone Then I fell into a timewarp where people were fish and I couldn't figure out whose house this is or why we ever thought the internet was a good idea. Gimme a book deal.
me: Miles, are you celebrating diversity as much as you should? Miles: HOW DARE YOU me: hey man, it's just a question no need to get defensive Miles: you know my family was murdered by the diversity tribes of the north me: ok fair point
two step flow: REMEMBER ME FROM 1997 I'M THAT SWEATING MAN IN YOUR PRE-CAL CLASS two step flow: WELL NOW I'M ALL GROWN UP AND FULL OF BUD LIGHT WANNNA F4 two step flow: HIT F4 TO WIN MORE WITH NORE two step flow: WHY DON'T YOU HIT ALT+F4 AND GE TTH EFUCK OUT OF MY LIFE BITCH two step flow: (actual transcript of a fb chat)
Jon Mayes: KNOCK KNOCK Jon Mayes: two step flow: he's n two step flow: he's not two step flow: he's not taking my money two step flow: he sure is happy to see me Jon Mayes: just leave him be Jon Mayes: he'll know what to do two step flow: don't DON'T SIT DOWN
this had to be his gf or someone else logged into his account:
two step flow: well hello dere meers Jon Mayes: hi two step flow: what's going on over there Jon Mayes: HOT STUFF COMING THRU two step flow: i said the same thing on the toilet this m Jon Mayes: eww two step flow: -__- Jon Mayes: ^__^ two step flow: this is the worst conversation we've ever had Jon Mayes: it is! Jon Mayes signed off at 10:14 AM. two step flow: so when are you going to tell kate about that rich old lady you've been sleeping with two step flow: oh
me: my lawyer says otherwise he's a terrible lawyer I think this briefcase is filled with live shrimp. Chris: from now on we should only communicate through our respective legal councils. you may forward all correspondence to the offices of Tiger, Maco, Hammerhead and Associates me: and mine to Tearific Talentz c/o Finders-Keepers Agency I gotta get a new lawyer
found this back from my summer of unemployment/horrific drinking in 2010, made me laugh:
Jopy: paul we can offer you a position at omgtru me: i'll take it Jopy: the title is Junior Editorial Midshipman Jopy: the pay is $9/week me: whats a midshipman Jopy: paul do you want the job or not me: joey is omgtru headquartered on a boat
me: dro and I would like to invite you to a dinner party strictly black tie Palubat: You both hate me me: no not at all we're inviting you to a fancy dinner a nice time with nice folks a good mix of snates and jarves and palus we even fixed you up with a little date no pressure she's super nice Dro met her in an airport it's 100 euros a plate but we'll cover the cost Palubat: I dunno I'm not feeling so great you guys can just drop me off at bennigans me: the bennigans burned down c'mon Dro's really into you meeting this young lady and it's free Palubat: I find this very suspicious Drop me off at the Chi Chi's please me: dude, we went to all this trouble and Dro is really upset he's throwing a bunch of shit really upset Palubat: Ok ok fine me: great so seating chart at our table me Palubat: I want you both to know this puts me in a very awkward position me: Dro my ladyfriend the Dro ho and his friend he brought for you she's recently single Palubat: Can I get a beverage WAITER me: Ms. Pearlman Here she comes now Palubat: I knew it me: well Palubat: I'm just going to walk to bennigans me: we all really want what's best for you I think you'll find escape QUITE impossible Palubat: I'll just be in the bathroom then Do NOT send rhea in me: the bathrooms are locked oh man she's gotta go you two can share the room it's not a bathroom per se Palubat: Excuse me do you mean share a toilet stall me: um it's a bed Palubat: You guys really fucked me on this one me: and, yeah, you do whatever you want in it gotta run, Dro's beating his bare chest and screaming about real shit HOLLA Palubat: Byeeeeeeeee
me: I clean it Palubat: you clean the dog hair me: yes Palubat: i see. well i guess at this point it can't get any worse add the doghair me: we're out of doghair alternate caption: GROSS HE'S JACKING SNOOP DOGG OFF Palubat: alternate caption: OUR LIVES ARE SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL
bigteef100: In RoboCop: Creating a Legend, a bonus feature on the RoboCop: 20th Anniversary DVD, it is stated that Murphy's face was removed from his corpse and implanted on the cyborg's head to give RoboCop a sense of identity. This psychological disruption RoboCop may have experienced is explained from the basis that a person whose memory has been erased would still possess the memory of being human and would suffer a psychotic breakdown if he saw the reflection of a robotic image instead of his original image of humanity. two step flow: robocop is such a pussy two step flow: if i woke up and had a robot face i'd be stoked
bigteef100: hence his song 'carolina [in my mind]'? two step flow: i love that song, i must admit bigteef100: shocking two step flow: people in nc get very happy when it plays two step flow: we have a much less emotional reaction to "Enter Sandman" bigteef100: why do you think that is? two step flow: hard to say, seeing as how both are about the serenity and beauty of north carolina
me: eyelash man vs whisker baby sammy: eyelash man like a boss me: battlefield is John Travolta's saved up semen sammy: the only tough part of whisker baby is the actual whiskers me: right sammy: the rest is pudgy weak baby meat me: real talk
sammy: but you can always destroy a good smell with any other smell or farts which are also smells but also something more the fantastic raging boner vs. uneven tit lady field of battle: ComicCon restroom me: RAGE LOSES, uneven tits are just undeniably powerful
me: props to that man and props to his horrific gambling problem Jeff: there are millions of them, but they only release them in small quantities, so shit is mad valuable me: you gotta bet big to win big wait are we talking about the 89 upper deck dale murphy reverse negative?